Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

She was clearly attempting to by threatening to deny them a relationship with their grandchild if they didn’t do what she wanted.

She has little choice but to accept the dynamic. If that wasn’t the dynamic she wanted to be part of the time to exit stage left was before she married and had another child.

Except of course she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to deny them a relationship with their granddaughter. As evidenced by the fact that within hours of issuing her ultimatum, her husband was at his parents’ house dropping his daughter off solo. Whomp whomp.

@BruFord I know what you mean but think from the OP and her parent's position it is an ultimatum out of the blue but for the mother it is likely to be different. We have all had family disagreements but OP and her parents are presenting a flat no to the mother's request for parity with 0 respect for her wishes. They are obviously looking down on her and her other children and don't seem to realise that she is quite likely to have some influence in her own family. I don't think we just have to accept what wider family want and when I haven't been happy with the way my children are being dealt with I have raised it politely but firmly and we all get on really well now. You need to have boundaries, ultimately as a grown woman if I have an issue with how my family and children are treated by my in laws they are going to need to be addressed. By the way before I am painted as a villain or a Karen or whatever we are calling women who have an opinion now I get on really well with my in laws and wider family. If they were relying on DH for family interaction they would not get a quarter of the access that they now get or less. I think that the grandparents need to start appreciating and respecting their daughter in law a lot more the way OP is talking about her and all the posters who are hating on her says a lot more about them

Well OP said he wasn’t aware- we don’t know the full story or how this will pan out - but it’s rare that a man picks his parents over his wife , soo, I’m betting on DIL 🤷🏼‍♀️🙏🏻

He became aware of what she’d done behind his back, and proceeded to leave his daughter with them anyway.

If you’re inclined to bet, it probably wouldn’t be wise to wager too much.

I actually think this is horrible and sister in law has every right to feel this way.

How would you feel if your children were treated differently and felt left out.

She is simply advocating for her children as any mother would.

I think it's quite horrible that children who have been part of your lives for some time are not treated as family. Do you feel the same way towards in- laws? And partners who are not blood who have been part of the family for years?

Your sister in law simply doesn't want it to get to the point where her children realise the difference and feel like second class citizens to their sister. Surely you can understand that?

I think an honest discussion is required between the son and his parents.

if DIL’s rule is her two children must be involved in every interaction between his parents and their grandchildren that seems to be a step too far for the grandparents.

these are people who don’t feel like grandparents to these two children - for whatever reason.

I wonder if there is anything else that would make the DIL feel better about the relationship? They are given equal gifts and invoked in gatherings where all the children are invited.

the DIL is happy for her younger daughter to spend time with them without her two older children - so her rules only apply to the children of other families.

a compromise might be their son takes all the older children out and invites the grandparents. He is on hand to manage the behaviour and the older children get time with their step cousins and their step dads family.

Still betting on DIL 😘

So it’s fine for the op’s brother to dump his child at his parents when it suits but his wife can demand the grandparents take all her children out.
Doesn’t make sense.
I’d be tempted to play a game of who blinks first. My gut is saying the op’s brother will.

She may not be "demanding"( in your view) - so insert the more appropriate word "blackmailing" instead

She decided to bring her kids into a blended family. She decided and now the GPs of her daughter have to dance to her tune and accept her other kids - otherwise she withholds their granddaughter from them, why?? What an absolute bitch to even threaten that.

They seem perfectly happy to be nice to the kids, they dont need to do more than that, and shouldnt be blackmailed by her..

@DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain what's with the bold type? BIL and SIL choose this family set up I agree.

I sometimes wish my kids had more extended family but blackmailing people into acting like their grandparents would feel like a rather hollow victory.

Or she’d just rather keep toxic in-laws away from her kids since they seem to be having a negative impact on their welfare 🤷🏼‍♀️

The ops sil is not trying to compromise she is using emotional blackmail and is being controlling and manipulative in order to get her own way. She has used them for free childcare for 2 and a half years and when she wants more she uses blackmail. She won't cut contact with them she has no one else and her children are hard work.

Got your fingers crossed and everything!

Yup!

But she doesn’t want to keep them away! She wants them closer. She must think they are good people if she is blackmailing them to spend more time with her children!

That’s a lot of wishful thinking on your part. A husband that’s in agreement with his wife 1, comes to such a decision with her, and 2, would at least respect it upon hearing of it. Instead, she went behind his back and the ultimatum was rendered meaningless within hours of her levelling it. He had zero issue with leaving his daughter with her grandparents, despite finding out that his wife apparently didn’t want him to.

You want to believe the DIL will get her way, but nothing that’s happened so far suggests she actually will. You just really, really want her to I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good point, @Bellyblueboy, I think we’re overlooking this. She wants her children to spend more time with them, not less.

Withholding the toddler from them to force this to happen doesn’t seem like the best approach. If anything, she should invite the GP’s over more often so they spend time with her older two.

Sure sure

Because SHE has changed the goalposts now, not HIM - is that easier for you to understand??

I respect your point of view. However part of being a parent is protecting your children im sure you'll agree.
This situation is no doubt hurtful to thes ister in laws other children.

Im sorry but i wouldnt let grandparents see any of the kids.
There is a reason that when you marry you are called an 'in law'. Which is to accept the new person into your family and ensure they are part of your family.
I know the kids see their biological dad but theres not much the mum can do about that and i would hope that the others see their mum.

So you’d seriously split up with your partner/father of older children and when you start seeing someone else you’d expect their parents to treat you’re badly behaved children the same and take them out every time they are with any other grandchildren? That’s the most entitled thing, as I’ve said my parents often took out my older 2 but couldn’t manage my asd child so I did something else with them, I didn’t deny a fun day out for my other children or parents. It’s not fair to expect grandparents to manage challenging behaviour, even less fair when they’re not actually the grandparents and they’re now being blackmailed

Who said split up with partner? What i actually said was as a parent you want to protect your children. The world is cruel enough without it encroaching into your home. I agree if the children are badly behaved grandparents shouldnt be expected to deal with them on their own. However i would hope the parents would help them deal/ cope with that. What i neam is the children should all be treated as the same. The kids are getting conflicting messages here. On the 1 hand parents are saying 'we're all 1 family now' grandparents are saying no we're not. Thats all. Try not to get annoyed this is just a discussion forum. We all have differant points of view. Perhaps this ladys 'other children' feel hurt by the grandparents. We can only do our best as parents. And sister in law is trying to do her best as she see's it. Wonder what her husband is saying about this?

Strange how it was all good & dandy when she was getting free childcare for 2.5 years.