Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

You say “these children”

you re right i will never be able to understand that attitude. I do hope karma isnt a bitch

And I an so very haopy for my friend daughter whose dad isnt her life that her husband and her husband family have accepted her in their lide as much as all the other grand children. All their lives is enriched because of that.

If SIL doesn't want the complications of a blended family she should have made other life choices. Blended families bring complications.

She's wanting to force unrelated people to pretend her children are their grandchildren. They aren't. That's not a call she can make.

It's obviously not a call her husband, their son, is interested in either or he wouldn't be there dropping the toddler off while he goes to the gym today.

As long as the children are treated well and invited to wider family events, which the OP says they are, the SIL is being unreasonable. She can't demand her children are taken out with her youngest's cousins for special grandparent/grandchild occasions because, and this is getting repetetive, they aren't related. Her older two already have grandparents.

OP's children and her DSis's children are not their cousins, they are cousins of their half sister.

I really like my DBro's step kids. They are great kids and good company. They aren't my family but they are part of his. We all get on. They call me by my first name, not Auntie Gwen. They have their own aunts and uncles.

@Bubblesgun It does sound as if there’s simmering tensions in the family around the two stepchildren-did you read the OP’s linked thread about all the children in the family having to be excluded from a wedding due to the stepson’s aggressive behaviour?

The OP’s brother needs to sit down with his wife and talk about this. Explain that his parents can’t cope with the behaviour and that’s led to this situation. The OP did say that the behaviour’s improving so hopefully it may not be an issue in the future.

Issuing ultimatums isn’t going to help; helping and supporting their son until he can safely interact with the other children will.

I think it's very sneaky of your sil to time this annoying with your niece starting nursery. She has clearly done it behind your db's back and he's fine with leaving his dd with your dps. I doubt this ultimatum is going to stick.

I'm a firm believer in treating the kids the same. I do so with my brothers partners eldest and my now husbands family do the same with my eldest. The adults chose to be together and it's not right to treat kids differently as it creates animosity and jealousy between siblings.

Are the older kids difficult ?
Is that why your parents prefer not to have them about ?
Is the behaviour etc being addressed ?

If she lives with the children, yes you should be including the child. It is horrible for a child to see others getting gifts, but does she have the same ultimatum for their kids children, if he takes them out does he include your niece?

I understand giving your niece maybe a more expensive gift than her other children, and maybe giving her other child a cheaper one.

Kids dad*

I’m a bit torn on this one.

I went to post if they are taking your brothers son away but not his step son then I can see why your SIL is upset. But I see it was your son and your sisters son that he took away which I don’t think is an issue.

I grew up in a blended family and all grandparents treated us all equally. 30 years on you can’t tell what child belongs to what parent.

I think if your parents are still treating the step GC and treating them the same as their son’s daughter then they are doing well.

Ultimately they don’t need to have the same relationship and your SIL can’t insist on it but she can set her boundaries as to protect her children and your parents don’t need to like the boundaries but they do need to accept them.

A bit shit though if they continue to use your parents for childcare.

That.

just that.

He's not the only child who didn't go though!

Involve a new “random” child????
That child has been in their lives for more than three years! That’s not some random child!
What a horrible term to use. The child didn’t ask to be in this situation, and how awful for making him seem an inconvenience. Shameful.

I see what you are saying. But it’s not equal. Because as you say, there’s no 100% fair way to do it.

But also you say you know your dad will get more but see it as compensation for her parents not being together. But in reality it’s your children that will ‘paying the compensation’. They will inherit less so your dsd can inherit more as compensation for other people’s choices (the other people being dsd parents). That doesn’t seem particularly fair or equal on the other children.

and honestly, you can’t know that any of the 4 parents involved won’t change their will or get remarried. If your dsd mother passed away and her husband is the sole benefactor, he could change his will and/or remarry and leave it dsd portion to the new wife. You could do the same. Your husband could do the same.

I am not suggesting you are doing anything wrong, but it’s a good example of how it won’t ever be 100% fair and equal in blended families.

Like in the situation of the Ops. The Sil saying her son must go out when the grandfather is taking other grandchildren (not siblings of the step grandchild). The step grandchild also has a history of being violent. So the grandkids can have a day out with own grandfather without a step cousin who has behavioural and violence problems tagging along. How is that fair on the other two? What if the grandad can’t cope with 3, especially one that has to be watched so closely? Does he just stop taking any of his grandkids out?

If the sil was so bothered about the son being included, knowing he has issues why isn’t the conversation ‘next time can my son come and me or my husband will come along’. Rather than just expect someone else to cope with his behaviour.

It’s very difficult to make it 100% fair.

I agree there’s no way money wise to make it 100% fair. Taking her Mum and Stepdad out of the equation, splitting our estate equally across all our children seems like the best way to ensure fairness in a shit situation. But we think of it as “children of this family” rather than “his/ours.”

Maybe the Grandad here could have separate days out with the stepson? Or with the stepson and the nephew with the brother or uncle along too? Your suggestion of the parents going to help manage behaviour is a good one too. There are loads of ways around it that can make it, if not “fair”, certainly less unfair.

My DH and my sister in law grew up with a stepmum who openly favoured her biological child above her two step children - think giving £100 in a birthday card to one and £10 to the other two. Her parents followed her example sadly. His Dad is incredibly guilty of allowing the situation to continue but didn’t want to be alone so offloaded all parenting decisions to her.

Interestingly the biological child became very angry about the inequality as an adult, feeling that it damaged her relationships with her siblings. DH and SIL are still in therapy. All of them including the bio child are no/low contact with the Mum/Stepmum. These inequalities permeate well into adulthood.

Purposefully leaving a kid out because you don’t see them as part of your family is pretty callous. It seems like SIL & step kids have their issues but you also don’t sound like very nice people.

I really think it’s helpful for ppl to read the OP’s previous thread before commenting. The poor boy’s behaviour is the issue. Happily, the OP says that it’s improving so perhaps it’ll get to a point when her Dad could take him out.

Does your SIL fully acknowledge his behavioral problems, OP? One of my closest friends found it difficult to accept that her son’s behaviour was causing ppl to stop arranging playdates, for example. His aggression was frightening, I tried to deal with him as I’m one of her closest friends, but even I had to stop after he threatened me and my son with a baseball bat.

It was only when the school said that he may have to be excluded that she finally accepted the situation. She paid for a private assessment and he was diagnosed. He now takes medication and is so much calmer and happier.

I think that’s a good way of looking at it.

Making it less unfair than trying the impossible, which is to make it exactly fair.

I do also get, given the steps grandsons (and on occasion the step granddaughters) behaviour mentioned in the other thread, the mother is going to have to accept not everyone can or is willing to be solely responsible for volatile children. Which is why step dad and/or mum, all their joint children and grandparents could go out together. Or one parent, one grandparent and one or more of the children.

Theres other ways to make it less unfair. Rather than an ultimatum willing is unfair on everyone else except her children.

I also think, you can’t predict what will make the children, when they get to adulthood, angry. My dp was brought up by his dad and step mum. Step mum then had a baby of her own and dp and his full sister were treated very differently. Still are. But dp is closer to his half sister than full sister. He doesnt speak to his Dad but has a decent relationship with his step mum. As he understands the complexity of her situation (she was only 18 when she met his dad) and blames his Dad for love bombing a teenager, marrying her and expecting her to raise kids that weren’t hers while he worked away.

Whatever way a family plays a blended family, some of the kids involved may feel resentful.

The bottom line, which has been hinted at upthread, is this imo: grandparents who have little to give welcome all and sundry into their hearts. Love is free. Everyone gets an equal shot at the last roast potato at Christmas.

Grandparents who have the responsibility of much to give, don’t. Before anyone comes at me, it IS a responsibility when you have something to give, because whatever you do someone will go without (eg the food bank if you leave it all to your family). The process of working this all out crystallizes relationships and draws boundaries. It has to.

These grandparents give of their time and attention when all the children are around - treated equally etc. But they are making clear that abc are their family, xyz are treasured guests who have their own grandparents (and if they don’t, they choose not to take on that responsibility contrary to their son who did - perhaps because they’ve put an entire adulthood into their children (and therefore their children’s children), but nothing into the married-in with pre-existing children by someone else who just appeared one day).

Separately, I’d venture that those advocating for the SIL as an A+ mum are looking past their own actions and no further beyond them than their own children. They’re looking for parity with unrelated parties in a way they weren’t able to achieve with the parties they are related to. That doesn’t make someone an uber-parent.

Having said alllll that, every situation is different. The OP’s parents have had their SDGC around since they were toddlers. That’s very different fron if they’d arrived as teens for example. Other things are what SIL is like to them, how good she is to their son and their other children, how she cares for or looks out for the other 6-7 grandchildren, whether the children are in need of anything, the parents’ own resources etc. So much to take into account. A one-line “SIL sounds amazing and your parents sound nasty” is utterly meaningless.

What age are the step children?

my parents don’t take all the grandkids to everything. The 13 yr old gran kid wasn’t invited to see Bluey but the younger ones were.

i don’t see the issue as not everything has to be every time. There was a poster on here last week claiming her kids should get money because the other gran kids got spending money at the fair, even though they never went to the fair. It’s madness,

It depends on the children's ages and temperament and what the context is. There are times it's appropriate to include step chn/step grandchildren and times it would be fine for GPs to see bio GC on their own. The SIL is BU if she won't discuss and negotiate according to circumstances.

Sorry but there’s no point not being honest my family have very little interest in the children.

They are however, treated well when they are in our homes. I don’t think they need to be collected if other grandchildren are doing something. They just wouldn’t be thought of.

The behaviour is improving but the poor behaviour only really happened in relation to the boy wanting my father’s attention.

Both the children are very intelligent. There are times when the boy is very witty. They are not disliked.

They are broadly the same age as my elder two and my sister’s some nine and seven years older than my niece.

People suggest that she should be kept from us as it would somehow damage her relationship with the other children, her half siblings. While all three of them should be treated the same in their house surely they realise that they don’t share an extended family.

Why would it enter my niece’s head that her grandparents should treat children who aren’t related to her grandparents the same as her,

Everybody has a duty to treat everyone with respect but not equally.

I am beginning to understand the SIL's point of view a bit more. Before your last post, I assumed that there was some sort of compromise to be found. But now I think - why should she waste her precious family time with her three cherished children on your family? If I were her, I wouldn't think you were worth the bother. I'd just enjoy what I had.

God if I were SIL I’d be done with this attitude as well.

Your Niece can meet her GP when she’s older on her own terms if she wants to

In many peoples opinions, they do share an extended family. Many people do consider each other family without shared DNA. If your brother adopts them will you consider them family? Or is it strictly “blood only?” Hopefully it will enter your nieces head because she will be raised to be nicer than you with more inclusive values.