Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

The behaviour is improving but the poor behaviour only really happened in relation to the boy wanting my father’s attention.

Poor kid.

I think it would be great for your niece if her siblings were treated as part of one big happy family. I don't think it would be good for her if she felt they were considered 'lesser' but unfortunately that's what your family seem to regard them. Your latest post makes me a lot more sympathetic to your sil's point of view.

Many people do consider each other family without shared DNA

yeh I mean if DNA defines family then SIL isn’t family either is she? So she’s more than reasonable to tell your parents to F off. They don’t share her genetic code and are therefore not her family 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think of them as my extended family, I don’t know about my other siblings. However surely my niece would recognise that she is family.

The step grand children have never been treated badly by any of us ever but we don’t see it as necessary to include them in outings etc .

The more you post the more I can see why your SIL is having this approach. You and your parents sound unpleasant. If I was your SIL I would not want any of my kids spending time with you all.

Do you have children yourself?

The step grand children have never been treated badly by any of us ever but we don’t see it as necessary to include them in outings etc

You tolerate them for as little as possible and make sure 'the real ones' know they are actually special.

I think whether you've treated them badly or not maybe a matter of opinion tbh.

You need to start showing it then. I think everyone one would be happier in the long run if those dcs were treated the same as the biotech dgcs.

Wow.

OP, I hope that you and your siblings' relationships remain strong and that none of your children become part of a blended family setup. Think how awful it would be if they felt like outsiders.

Your SIL has my admiration. I hope that your DB comes to understand and support her stance.

Her sil daughter attacked her niece and her son attacked her nephew. The mother has lost control of her children. She needs to put a lot of work in them. When my daughter tells my son to do something he tells her you're not my mum. What can the ops family do if her children are allowed to get away with what they want they won't listen if her family tells them off.

My dad had a terrible upbringing he eventually moved in with his aunt and she disciplined him she was very strict. My dad was abused before he lived with his aunt. She pulled him together and taught him to show manners and respect to his elders. My dad was born in 1947 a different time to what it is now. Parents like to make excuses these days and Mollycoddle children and pretend that's parenting.

I hope you take from this post that actually your family don’t share the view of a lot of ppl. Your SIL is not unreasonable. You seemed to come to the post for validation you are correct rather than for alternative views 🤷‍♀️. I can’t imagine excluding step children on the basis of blood.

I agree that it's up to the parents to put the work in if they want the older children to have a good relationship with the GPs.

Demanding that they are always included with any other GC probably isn't going to do that!

“They wouldn’t even be thought of”

that’s all, really

I don't believe the ops family should parent her children. I think that's why she hasn't said anything to her husband because she's struggling to teach them right from wrong. Her husband will probably mention their age and stamina to put out arguments or fights between them and the other children. Ops other brother banned all children from his side going to the wedding because of their older brother's step children.

« As unpalatable as this might be we do not consider them nephew/niece/grandchildren. Again unpalatable to many but my cousins’ kids are family »

Fair enough OP. But you can’t expect a mother ( your SIL) to put her kids into that type of atmosphere . You can’t control how you feel and the children will perceive your feelings. If it were my children Îd protect them from a situation where only their sister was considered family (if they had little other extended family themselves) She’s not stopped your DB bringing your niece today.

but we don’t see it as necessary to include them in outings etc .

So how does that work?

Brother & his daughter are invited but not SIL & SC?

And to the children, all their siblings, step or not are brothers and sisters.
My DS has two half brothers because their DF remarried after me.
I went out with them for meals, took them on holiday. They all considered themselves full brothers.
Has anyone asked the DC children what they want?
My last point, my DS loves his brother's, and asked too. Who he loves is important to me too.

Yep. I’ve got a whole sibling and two halves. Thanks to our parents we all get on well and consider ourselves just brothers and sisters .

If you're not interested in them and only tolerate them, then I think you'd agree that it's a big ask to expect your SIL and the DC to spend time with your family. So you're probably going to have to accept seeing less of your DN unless your brother is available to bring her on his own.

i am with your SIL on this all the way. You and your family do not sound like nice people. I think this post is a wind up, I am hoping it is anyway.

Your SiL is right to protect her older children, but is going about things the wrong way.

Using your younger child as a bargaining chip is pretty nasty - especially when she has not said anything before when she is getting free childcare. Very sneaky.

They share the view of a lot of people as well. Personally I don’t know any stepfamilies that follow the ‘ideal’ suggested by posters on these threads. No one said you had to imagine it, any more than you had to approve.

Yes I ´ve been wondering if it’s a wind up too.

search by the OP’s username

Why is it the SIL who is using the grandparents as free childcare?

It might be the brother who would have been looking after her had the grandparents not been available to help - maybe he's the one using his parents as free childcare not his wife.

Parents should include stepchildren on activities. Why wouldn’t they if bro has made a new life with sil and her children. They are now part of your family. This is silly and you all sound horrible not to include them imo 🤷🏻‍♀️