Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

I’m not sure it’s in the best interests of the children to be denied a relationship with their relatives because their older half siblings don’t have one with theirs. Suppose it’s ’fair’ though, but whether they appreciate it will depend on how they feel when they’re old enough to make their own decisions. Such a choice can easily blow back on the parents, no matter how noble you consider their intentions to be.

However, in this case it doesn’t seem like the son is on the same page as the DIL at all, thankfully for the grandparents.

Brother knows nothing about these demands and he doesn't want to go no contact. He dropped his daughter off at his parents.

Ah ok sorry I missed that bit! First priority is for the actual couple involved to decide together what is acceptable here then! SIL can’t be threatening to remove contact unless they both agree to do so.

SIL is the mean one here if she has misled her older children into thinking they should have the same relationship with their sibling's grandparents as their sibling does.

Children aren't stupid. They can understand that different people have different families - if they are taught this from the start. I am also a stepchild and at no point did anyone tell me that my stepparent's family were now my family. I knew who my family were. It's cruel to mislead children in blended families into believing that each other's relatives will treat them the same. They're no different to in-laws.

Because grandparents are not parents. And every situation is slightly different.

Grandparents should ultimately understand the set up of their grandchildrens family life and either choose to support that or find themselves not very popular.

Ha!

So brother needed childcare did he??!!

I suppose we will have to agree to disagree.

i have seen lots of grandparents be kind to step grand children. But I do think it’s a step too far (excuse the pun) to expect an equality between step and real grandchildren when it isn’t expected from parents.

i am incredibly close to my niece and nephew - take them away every year. If my sister remarried I would be kind to any step children she acquired but I wouldn’t be taking them on holiday or naming them in my will.

I think a lot of people feel this way.

Well they can feel this way. But if the parents are upset by this, then it doesn't really matter how you feel.

Ops brother isn't upset he dropped of his daughter at his parents house so he can go to the gym 😂

Why so angry? This is a chat?

Apologies, I think I read your post wrong, I thought you were talking about step children vs grandparents. I think the posters who think the grandparents should embrace the step children, would also apply the same principle to the step parents.

You are totally missing my point! I'm not angry! I'm saying that what you believe is actually irrelevant. It comes down to how the parents feel. And the parents not the grandparents or randoms on the internet are ultimately the ones who decide whether they feel it harms their children!

Well yes - one parent here has a problem the other doesnt.

but we are having a conversation - exploring different view points. That is the art of conversation surely? Chatting something though - finding noir how other people would react on this situation.

no one would comment otherwise?

In which case the SIL has a husband problem not an In-law problem!

As unpalatable as this might be we do not consider them nephew/niece/grandchildren. Again unpalatable to many but my cousins’ kids are family.

That is entirely your prerogative. I personally find it more than unpalatable, I think it's absolutely appalling. But if that's your decision, it's up to you. However, it's also up to your SIL how she chooses to respond. She has made a decision that she doesn't wish to allow her youngest child to participate in activities that her elder children are excluded from.

In general, I think it's fine to have specific outings that only one or two children are invited to, based on the children's interests or ages. However, that only works if all the children receive equivalent outings appropriate to everyone. Not if some children are always treated and others never are.

If sister-in-law had her way I don’t know how she would think that it was in my niece’s best interest.

It's in her child's best interest to be shown that in their family, all children are treated with the same love and care. It's in her best interest to know that her siblings are not inferior beings who deserve to be excluded.

It's the other way around why hasn't she told him how she feels? He got the message from his dad of his wife's expectations going forward. She sounds unsteady and passive aggressive.

She's upset.

I don't think it's necessarily 'passive aggressive'.

Her first responsibility is to her children not to her husband...

She has more children than just the elder ones. Her youngest shouldn’t be denied a relationship with her paternal family because she doesn’t share them with her older siblings. SIL is the one that chose to have her youngest child, knowing she would have relationships her eldest lacked.

You would think she was at least responsible for talking to her husband before she started levelling empty threats at his parents. Seems that he has a wife problem.

Her way of handling it is by harming her daughter who has done nothing wrong. They have looked after her so she could work and showing her gratitude is by sticking two fingers up and making demands. Why not arrange a day out with the grandparents and step grandchildren. I doubt they would say no if asked. The op hasn't made them sound like monsters her sil is making a fuss out of nothing and she will harm her daughter.

She has to make decisions in the interests of all her children. If contact with the grandparents is harmful for the older two and potentially undermines the sibling relationship, then it's not unreasonable to take that into account.

Totally agree with this, and I’d go further to say that if I were SIL, it wouldn’t just be a matter of activities, it would be about the broader attitude towards my children- if some of my children were not seen as equally valued members of the family , then I wouldn’t want that sort of toxicity anywhere near them- these sorts of things cause lifelong mental health problems.

Denying a relationship could also easily harm the sibling relationship. There was a thread not that long ago about two younger siblings deeply resenting their mother and older sibling for being the reason why they were denied a relationship with their paternal family.

Her husband doesn’t agree with her anyway, given that he only learned of her ultimatum when dropping his daughter off with his parents.

Does your other siblings have stepchildren and if they do do their wife's or husbands make similar demands on your parents?

Hi op, I am posting an old thread to give posters a better understanding of your and her family dynamics. I think you are getting an unnecessary bashing and I think it's clear people don't understand and she does have family she isn't destitute. I do wonder if the apple falls far from the tree?
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4838225-brothers-wedding-and-childrenstepchildren

Well as I began to type didn’t my brother turn up at my parents with toddler; Mum was out but it emerged that brother had no idea about the ultimatum. I don’t know where this will end but niece left with Dad while brother went to gym.

OK, your latest update puts a different spin on the situation. So your brother had no idea that his wife had issued this ultimatum?! It sounds as if she’s trying to estrange him/their child from your parents unless everyone does what she wants. That’s not healthy and I hope that he stands up to her controlling behaviour.

If she was genuinely upset by your Dad’s decision not to take her son to the air show, it would be far better to have had a quiet word with him-not issue ultimatums that her husband is unaware of!

I hope that your brother can sort things out as I can’t see their marriage lasting if she reacts like this every time she’s upset.