Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

The dynamic would change and the actual grandchildren wouldn’t feel uniquely special.

Well, this speaks volumes.

Not sure how you can feel uniquely special when there are six of you, soon to be seven.

Yes, it recognises that the older children aren’t the grandchildren of OP’s parents. They aren’t.

Do you consider SIL family? Does SIL consider your family as family?

Where I imagine it gets a bit messy and difficult for her is to have one child of hers considered "family" and one not. It puts her in a difficult position regarding contact with your family.

I think in her position I certainly wouldn't be trying to block contact with her DD, that's going too far. But I think it would be reasonable not to spend big occasions like Christmas with your family. Her older children deserves to spend Christmas and similar occasions with those who consider them as "family" rather than as outsiders.

I am wondering if the parents in these blended families are setting up unrealistic expectations for their children.

in lots of these threads it’s step parents arguing that their in laws should treat their children just like instant grandchildren and beiges and nephews, and it’s the in laws saying they just don’t feel that way and while they will of course be kind and welcoming they don’t think of them in the same way as the other children in the family.

We don’t force these children to instantly think of step parents as actual parents. In fact we have mothers on here arguing that step mothers aren’t real mothers and they shouldn’t take over parenting.

so why is step grandmother and step grandfather expected to step into all the grand parenting roles immediately when the same mother would freak out if a step mother called themselves mum and took child to get their first haircut and the same father would freak out if step dad assumed he got to walk child down the aisle.

it’s all very odd

YABU. Your SIL is sticking up for her children who will be getting upset at being left out, which will happen more and more over the years. You say the children are treated the same when they're at the house but also that they aren't thought of like family. Children pick up on this and it can cause resentment between siblings.

I don't blame her for putting up with it for a few years hoping it would change (and, yes, making use of free childcare) but I also don't think she can ban her husband from taking his daughter to visit his family. They need to come to an agreement between themselves but she doesn't have to facilitate her daughter spending time with people she doesn't like.

Honestly you should have seen this coming and warned your parents.

Maybe what's happened is that SIL has decided she doesn't want to be around the OP's parents, if she hasn't actually stopped the brother from bringing the granddaughter. Which seems fine - maybe what she's decided is that she doesn't view his parents as her "family" and so she doesn't have to facilitate the relationship.

All of this

OP didn’t say they didn’t consider them family, she said they don’t consider them grandchildren/nieces/nephews. They are family - in laws, same as the is a DIL and a SIL rather than a daughter and a sister.

Now is a very convenient time for her to decide to prioritise her older children, now that her childcare needs aren’t more pressing. However, it doesn’t seem like she’s required to facilitate it.

Can someone explain to me why they a) need to feel uniquely special and b) why you couldn't include step children in this c) why it's ok to exclude children astranged from their biological family and d) why you think it wouldn't be harmful to those vulnerable children.

It's not about making the grandchildren feeling special at all. It's about prejudice and trying to legitimise deliberately excluding a vulnerable kid because grown ups don't like them and see them as lesser for having the wrong genes.

It's vile and I totally with other posters saying it speaks volumes.

Children are still developing and vulnerable.

Mature adults should be able to empathize and do what is best for the emotional health of the kids, rather than merely indulge their own preferences.

Your parents sound mean.

Mature adults shouldn’t lie to children that a relationship is something that it isn’t.

The SIL attempting to, behind her husband’s back, strong arm her unwilling in-laws into providing something the actual grandparents of her children won’t provide is not to the benefit of anyone.

She didn't say sil was estranged from her family. She only has her dad and brother. I think there might be some jealousy from her sil because they are big family who are close and she wants more from them. Says a lot that her brother knows nothing of these demands after dropping off his DD at his parents house. He could have brought the older children with him as well or is she being selective?

I don't think the grandparents are at fault here. The ops sil sounds passive aggressive and why didn't she talk to her husband about it because he knows nothing. I think the green eyed monster came out.

Does your SIL always include your children in her blood family outings? Do members of her blood family always include your kids when they invite your sil child?

They don't have to lie. Who says they do?

My step grandparents were clearly not my grandparents as I called them by their first names.

They can treat all the kids as meaning something to them though and no show favouritism because they understand how this can be damaging.

The alternative is showing a child that they don't mean anything, they are of less importance and less loveable and setting up a hierarchy of approval in the family where some are winners and some are the dogshit on your shoe that has been walked in.

Well yea of course all adults should be kind and welcoming. Children should all get gifts at Christmas and birthdays and when they are all together they should be treated like any equal group of children.

But children can understand that dad’s news girlfriend or wife is not their new mum. They understand the relationship is different. Why can’t they understand girlfriend or wives mum and dad aren’t their new grandparent? They are are bonus set of people in their lives but they don’t have to have exactly the same amount of time with them and their step cousins and in most cases they won’t get named in the will.

theirs dad’s girlfriend’s or wife’s parents won’t necessarily come to all their school
plays - in a similar way their great uncles and aunts don’t.

in fact in this cast the SIL seems to expect considerably more from her in laws than she expects from the children’s actual grandparents.

The SIL, who expects them to pretend to see her older children as no different to their actual grandchildren, and provide that relationship because their grandparents won’t.

It isn’t a binary of grandchildren or dogshit. By all accounts they do treat the children kindly, they just don’t consider them grandchildren any more than they consider the SIL to be their daughter. The relationships are different and don’t need to be forced into the same mould.

While some blended families may seek to emulate nuclear ones, that isn’t something that can be forced. The reality is that not all members of the same family will share the same relatives, and the relationships will reflect that.

If they aren't prepared to treat all the kids the same, it leaves the parents in the difficult position of making a judgement call about whether this causes harms or not to one or more of her children.

So yeah the grandparents have a choice here about whether to respect the kids all the same or not.

If they don't then, the son (not merely the SIL as this is being framed as) have to make decisions.

The grandparents do not have a right of access to the children.

The parents can decide it's not in the best interests of the kids to see the grandparents because they feel their attitude of favouring one over another is harmful.

Note here who has the parental responsibility and the power to make decisions.

Ultimately the grandparents choice is to support the parenting decisions of their son and DIL or then stupidly wonder why they are cut out, whilst wailing about how unfair life like a child and wondering why I give them precisely no sympathy for their hypocrisy.

Out of interest - I have seen many women here being supported when they say they feel closer to their own children than their step children - going on holiday with just their biological children (without the dad).

the resounding advice is always the dad ofcourse has to treat his own children equally but it is okay, expected even, for the mum to be closer to her own children than her husbands children. No one ever criticises mums for spending more time with their biological
children, why is it so different for grandparents?

so say a mum takes her daughter to Paris every year for one on one time. She gets married and has a new, older step daughter who is quite badly behaved. Does she either have to take both girls every year or stop? Is she still allowed time with just her child?

You do understand the difference between a child and an adult right?

There's no such thing in asking a silly question but what has your question got to do with what the poster was talking about? If you don't agree fair enough. Can I ask why you don't agree?

As unpalatable as this might be we do not consider them nephew/niece/grandchildren.

And that’s your prerogative and you have every right to feel this way. Just as your brother and SIL have every right to go low or no contact so that this opinion doesn’t impact their children. Which is what DH and I would do.

Yes of course. I must not be expressing myself correctly.

what I mean is why do step grandparents have to treat new step children like are their real grandchildren when step parents don’t?

I am not in any way suggesting the grandparents be unkind - but they are bound to feel closer to their own grandchildren in the same way parents feel closer to their own children.

why is it abhorrent that these grandparents want to take their grandsons away without including this boy but it would okay for a mother to spend time with her children without her step children?

im not sure why you think this means I don’t know the difference between adults and children? Thre parents and grandparents are all adults.