If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

Jesus. You're a SAHM. That's kind of your job to put a wash on? Do you do his job?

I think it sounds like he's pulling his weight but you sound resentful that you're at home?

That sounds hellish working hours. Why dont you list a few jobs for him to do over the week.

No, because they’re different jobs. Have you ever seen the instrument panel of a plane?

There is a middle ground OP. Your parents might not have been able to make allowances for sports days and pick ups but you sound financially comfortable so it wouldnt need to be to that extreme. You could work part time for example and make it work around school times. Not that I'm suggesting you should at all. But just have a chat with your DH and if you're struggling why not get a cleaner, or outsource ironing etc etc. I imagine being a pilot he has a decent wage so can afford the help.

Yes, my husband is a pilot. He works the same crazy hours and still helps around the house.

Wow. You're incredibly entitled and self absorbed. It seems that you need a reality check.

And you’re a SAHP?

I’m scratching my head too. When I was a kid, admittedly halfway back in the last century, my mother stayed home til we went to primary school and then worked part time. She was known as a ‘housewife’ aka SAHM nowadays.

Housework absolutely is work and hard work, but I can’t fathom what a SAHM expects to do all day while she’s working in the home and DH working outside the home, if she’s then expecting him to do housework during his day. Especially a SAHM whose children are at school.

(I know this OP still has a baby, it’s a general point.)

Someone that can fly a plane can get their head around cleaning a bathroom.

So you don’t work at all and haven’t in many years since having children? (Not judging, just asking to ensure I respond correctly in my next post).

No I work full time but when I was on maternity leave with three under three (so I was basically not working for 4 years) he worked those crazy long hours and still managed to come back to help with the housework, cooking and parenting. It is possible if you’re a team (even if you’re a pilot).

Or putting their own bowl into the dishwasher

I had a 9 month old baby, my third, fairly recently, and certainly considered housework as part of the stay at home parent's job during my maternity leave.

As a working parent, the idea that the other parent staying home (with just one baby for 6 hours a day) would then propose we split all housework (not just what they didn't get through) 50/50 in my non working hours is miserable!

I promised myself as a child I would be a stay at home parent and give my kids what I didn’t have.

You appear to have achieved your destiny. This is the payoff.

I’d be very mindful of the world view your set up gives your children.

Just wanted to say your posts are refreshing compared to most on this thread. (I actually also worked in aviation pre-kids 😊)

Indeed.

He washes his own uniform. OP doesn't wash or iron any of his clothes so yeah I'm guessing he knows that already.

Presumably the older 2 children are back at school now, and it sounds like when he's off work he spends time with the children (as he should as he's also a parent) which gives you some down time. In terms of chores etc can you afford a cleaner? Presumably he's pulling in a decent wage in return for those hours and to financially support the household alone; outsourcing that aspect would be fairer on both of you I expect.

That’s fine that you’re doing that and you can see that him working these hours is facilitating that. You have a child at home and 2 older ones out of the house in the week, I can’t see why you can’t put a load of washing on or if you don’t want to, pay someone to do the chores you don’t want to do. When I was on maternity leave, I did all the housework when dh was at work and it was 50/50 at the weekend but there was nothing major to do then because it’s been done in the week, we just spend the weekends as family time, etc. Now we both work full time and do pretty much 50/50 but we do things we’re good at. And because we’ve both worked our way up at work, our jobs are now flexible and we didn’t miss any assembly , sports day, etc. there was always someone available.

I think he’s doing enough. He does his own laundry and entertains the kids when he can so that’s a positive.
You get to live your life goal of being a SAHM and I would be thankful for that. Many would love to be given that choice.
I would however remind him to put his dishes in the dishwasher when he's finished eating.

Not a lot, just what he can manage. Being a pilot and working shifts should be hard. Also he needs to be rested if he is flying a plane

If you’ve no intention to work while your kid are in school then I think you just need to suck it up. It’s a bit harder this year with a baby but equally you’ve just had 2 if not 3 years where your kids were at school and all you had to do between 9-3:30 was a bit of housework. Swings and roundabouts.

At the risk of sounding like the Daily Mail, what size is your house OP?

because a SAHP = full time job of 37-ish hours per week. Take the children to school and pick up again still means you must be home between 9 and 3 ish. So six hour per day for five days = 30 hours. A 9 mth old which will need some entertainment but will also nap twice per day for around 2 hrs. So the entertainment is around 2 hrs per day as you have 4 hrs to do all the housework, unload/load the dishwasher, laundry, and general SAHP duties.

Theoretically your DH must be coming home to a very clean house with meals prepped and homework for the children done. He does his own laundry and entertains the children for 85% of the time he is around. You’re unhappy about a bowl in the sink but have presumably spoken to him about that and we can also assume he has the intellect to realise how to put it in the dishwasher.

Overnight the baby wakes but your DH needs his sleep or is at work. This is the shitty bit that falls on you. It’s short term though as babies quickly grow and become children who do sleep through.

Honestly, what is there to do on your DH’s day off that you haven’t managed in your working time?

Our house 'rule' was one up, all up. In other words, no one sat down and got waited on because they had been 'at work' (Out of the home) all day. Likewise, I didn't sit down all day when a SAHM. Yes I may have met friends with toddlers or a baby in tow, but I was working. I expected my DH to help when home. He did. We are a team, and his work and my work in whatever format has been respected as equal.

Now that I out earn him, I still do a lot around the house, his job is respected regardless of whether mine is better paid. Works both ways.

I have found that defined responsibility is easier to manage. It's hard to expect to the less involved spouse to just spot what is needed. On that basis we split certain jobs. Bins is my DH job, washing is mine, putting away is down to the owner of said clothes. My DH does the lawn, I do the veg. etc. When I was a SAHM I was happy to give jobs, now I'm not there is more adulting and awareness of what just needs to be done.

I don't agree. Everyone who has a job deserves respect and recognition they work hard. There are certain jobs where people take others people's lives into their own hands, for example pilots flying aeroplanes and Doctors saving lives. People in the forces too who are prepared to give their lives. They are all examples of extremely special people and they deserve to be treated as such.