If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

@Woister

yes, I totally understand. It's about respect, not treating you like a housemaid, not about scrubbing the bathrooms.

ask him who he thinks he is & ask why he thinks you should be running about cleaning up after him?

he has a case of Pilot God complex and he needs a slap of reality!

I would swap with dh in a heartbeat.

Dh typical day:

• wake up and get ready
• commute to work (includes Costa drive through and podcast)
• work
• commute home
• eat
• sleep
• maybe there will be a dog walk/school pick if possible

my typical day:

• wake up with baby - feed, dress
• cook breakfast - normally eggs
• wake up older kids
• school drop off
• dog walk
• tidy up house
• take baby to play group
• Come home - normally do house admin, laundry
• load up baby and dogs for school pick up
• come home
• afternoon club twice a week
• put on dinner
• help with homework
• feed kids
• baths
• kitchen tidy up
• sort out uniforms if needed
• bed

Thanks, that’s kind! Working in aviation really isn’t family friendly!

Your poor fucking husband .

I'd expect on days he's working 50% childcare when he's not at work

Days off 50% childcare and 50% housework

I'd expect him to tidy any mess he makes-
Dishes in dishwasher, clothes in basket etc

Both of you should get some time to yourself equally.

@WhateverMate

a cleaner isn't going to be there 24/7 wiping his nose for him

He's not my husband and he's perfectly happy thanks. Nothing poor about it. He's in full agreement with me about how we run our household. He would even say he has the easier daytime job.

What you're forgetting OP is you've listed one line for your DH called "work"....but you've broken down your "work" into every separate thing you do. If you listed his work as every little thing he does in the hours he is being paid, it wouldn't just say "work".

Hardly given it was your life long dream to stay home.

If you would swap in a heart beat then get yourself back into the working world.

And in your DHs list you didn't mention 85% childcare, swimming, bowling, activities, feeding lunch, washing and ironing.

Why did you have the 3rd child, after such a big age gap, if you’re not able to cope?

honestly, no he shouldn’t be losing out on sleep to put the washing on, he’s a pilot ffs, if he fucks up then people die. Lower your standards, up your game or go back to work and get a cleaner, those are your 3 options!

You're saying you want your kids to have a SAHP, but in the next breath you are not liking what comes with that. Just hire some help, it helps everyone.

OP, 3 children is a lot largely on your own.
Of course you want more than token help.
Going back to the baby stage after 7 years is very hard and a real shock.
You are juggling a lot.

Bowl in the sink is so disrespectful.
You absolutely should have a cleaner to help with your load.
He needs a couple of days with all 3 on his own.
Can you take a short break away?

Sahm is 24/7 with no holidays.
He needs to do more.
Treating his home like a hotel is not on.
Take action before the resentment poisons your marriage.

Blimey it sounds like he does lots with the kids, which is more important inbetween shifts than housework.

The pilots I know do have quite a lot of time off so he should muck in then when his shifts are further apart. I have a pretty low opinion of pilots though, having had a teen DD working as cabin crew ... a lot of them are sleazy bastards.

Plus work is listed as if it’s just a simple task, not something that takes up most of the waking day 🙄.

Let's all be honest, who wants a pilot in charge of a flight who isn't well rested 😳

I knew someone who did a spreadsheet to show the hours she worked (Sahm) and jobs she did and then the same for her DH who worked long hours. Unfortunately for her when he came home and added in the things she had missed out for him it backfired.

there no point coming on here and asking what people think is fair - you need to sit your husband down and explain how you feel.

what would having equal ‘time off’ a week look like?

To me it seems fairly evenly split tbh. I’m somewhat confused about why you’re so resentful when you’ve deliberately set your life up and your parenting to do a more traditional scenario. You wanted to be a SAHM because your parents were not around, married a high earner which facilitates that, plus he does a fair amount childcare and housework wise and yet you’re not happy.

I am wondering whether the reality of being a SAHM vs the ideal you had for your kids because of your complaints about your upbringing is not well matched.

Seems to me like it’s less about you working more or harder and more about feeling less valued in your role.

You wanted to be a SAHM, you need to suck it up I'm afraid, hire help or go back to work. He does need to tidy up after himself tho, that's a given.

Presumably your 7 and 9 year olds help with dinner and kitchen tidy up, as well as sorting their uniforms. If not, why can’t you do it during you plentiful time off during the day?

@middleagedandinarage

so it all renders him unable to put his own dishes in the dishwasher & wipe up any spills/mess he makes.

Desr god, men are given such a pass to adult. Let alone the pathetic swooning because he's a pilot.

@Woister

I do hope your swishing around the house with your maids uniform, pretty little fluff healed slippers and hair & face done. Bringing the poor pilot his slippers & whisky

Depends what you mean by help. I would not expect any domestic type help. I would, however, expect him to absolutely prioritise his children in his "awake" hours. I would!expect him to want to.

Not a dream just knew that I wanted to be present in my children’s lives

If it was a regular 9-5 job then I’d be expecting him to do 50/50 childcare once he gets home.

I wouldn’t expect him to do any laundry etc as that part of your ‘job’ as a SAHP which can be done in your ‘working hours’.

Surely the point of one parent being a SAHP is so they can take on a large chunk of the household tasks and childcare.

On his working days, I wouldn’t expect him to do any of the housework or cooking etc but I would still expect him to be a parent (and I would hope that he’d want to parent).

But on his days off, everything should be 50/50 including cooking and laundry.

How long have you been a SAHP for?
When are you planning to return to work?

Im a sahm with an 8yo and 2yo. I would say the only 'work' with your kids is the baby. Please don't make it seem as if your older kids are any work. That age is an absolute doddle.

It seems like your dh is doing absolutely enough. Why is it hard for you to do the housework?

Your older kids are in school FT, your baby naps at least 2 times a day so you do have plenty of time. You make it seem like your dh does nothing. At his hours and the type of job he has, he is doing a lot.

I really can't understand what your issue is? I'm a sahm too, so I do get having a baby is hard work but to make it sound like you are taking care of 3 children is just false. Your older two are not at home for the bulk of your day.