If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

I know he doesn't, think you've misunderstand my post, I said:

Surely the better use of his time is spending time with the kids and taking them off your hands, rather than prioritising more chores and leaving the kids for you to deal with?

If OP wants him to do more around the house, surely that means that he is going to be spending less time with the kids? I'm questioning the mentality of demanding more housework/chores from him, when he already takes the kids 85% of the time.

Indeed.

OP, did you work between the 7 year old and the baby?

I would expect very little on the housework & see pretty much anything he did as a ‘bonus’ but would expect to see him spending a lot of time with the children to build that relationship given how much he works. Pretty much as you’ve described really.
You and he would also ideally have downtime as a couple.

Good lord, he’s a pilot. Let the man sleep. I’d rather be didn’t crash the plane than put a load of washing on.

How does he do twice the work? 😂 While he is outside the home working, I am inside the home working. The exact same hours. Providing childcare which was until very recently for 3 children under 5 and I'm also 7 months pregnant. So yes I currently now have one child at home but I'm still not a cleaner or a maid. When we are both home, we share the load. As it should be.

What an idler. He should be doing 100% when he is not working, just like you.
You deserve so much better than this.

MN really loves to excuse men from doing anything in their own home if they work, my husband has worked while I was a SAHM and he still ironed his own uniform and unloaded the dishwasher and threw on a load of washing - because a SAHM to young children doesn’t mean a live in maid. Why does working excuse men from participating in the daily tasks that a family needs? Earning the income doesn’t mean he never has to stick some washing on, who is facilitating his desire to work and have a family? Oh yes the stay at home skivvy.

Its priorities isn’t it? He takes the pressure off the “mum” bit but the “housekeeper” bit remains?

I think you need to adjust your expectations and you come across as resentful and entitled.

I agree that I’d want the pilot of a plane to be fully alert and rested before any trip. If he sorts out his laundry, entertains the children to give you some space and has a job that means he’s responsible for the lives of hundreds of people, I’d try to stop resenting the fact that he hasn’t put his cereal bowl in the dishwasher.

If the housework is too much, can you get someone to clean or do the laundry or whatever is getting on top of you.

My DH is out the house 7am-8pm or later 5 days a week. He does nothing more than kiss the DC goodnight and put his plate in and start the dishwasher monday - friday. I expect him to clean up after himself, but that is all. On weekends we share responsibilities, though he does more of the childcare than housework because he misses the DC.

Your DH should be cleaning up after himself, sorting his dirty dishes and clothes, but he sounds like he does loads given the hours he works. Your older DC are big enough to be helping out too. Give them jobs to do.

He sounds amazing. A bit slapdash when he’s in a rush but aren’t we all. At least he doesn’t announce on a Saturday morning that a fence ‘needs’ painting/car ‘needs’ valeting and it’ll take him most of the day. Then say ‘well, when else am I going to do it?’

I would be getting a job so he didn’t have to work such stupid hours to pay for everything and everyone. Then would expect proportionate help.

I had two working parents. Being passed from pillar to post was a horrible aspect of child. Parents always late for pick up, last min admission to after school club, never at assemblies or sports days. I was made fun of once for never having play dates as my parents never had the energy.

I promised myself as a child I would be a stay at home parent and give my kids what I didn’t have.

Not much at all. But if you need help, ask him.

Just give a set job. Rather than fester with resentment. Dh and me seem to fallen into set jobs. I sort the washing. He does a lot of the cooking and mostly he is in charge of the dishwasher for example. Tell him he needs to run the washing machine. Just talk to him, explain your like him to contribute around the house, so it's job to hoover the entire house on a set day, or he does a lot of washing every day etc. My dh wouldn't often think to scrub the bathroom for example but I ask him, he cracks on.

I would expect him to muck in with putting the dishes in the dishwasher or doing the washing up and maybe throwing a load on if it was obviously needed. I would also expect a bit of interest in putting the kids to bed - maybe reading them a story or just spending a bit of time with them (if he can, not sure if they'd be in bed by 8pm).

I would also expect the weekend (or days off) jobs to be done with his help - running things to the tip, mowing the lawn, changing the beds - stuff like that that can wait but still need doing.

It really isn’t. I wouldn’t expect him to do anything if I was at home all the time.

He obviously does work twice as hard as you, if he’s working full time and doing house work when he gets in from work. You have plenty of time to do housework, you choose not to

Can your husband request only earlys or only lates? That might make it easier in relation to routines and housework etc. it’s possible at my husband’s airline and he generally only does earlys. They are aware of his family circumstances and were keen to accommodate that. Maybe he could speak to BALPA?

Almost nothing

I'm also working full time when he is outside the home working. Childcare is a full time job.

Would you say the same if he was a tube/train/bus driver?

Unfortunately grass isn't always greener, as you are discovering.

I work full time and so does my husband and we have three kids- I absolutely could not be bothered with endless housework during our limited family time.

Why can't you get a cleaner? Many posters have mentioned it, but you seem not to have answered it?

When mine were small, we needed the money to pay mortgage etc, so I used to do all the kids, household stuff, organising, everything revolved around ensuring he had an easy time to do horrendous hours some days (I'd do packed lunch etc too), effectively I did the lot, as his hours were so random I never knew when he'd be home or what time he'd have to leave the next day till about 5pm, and worked my own part time self employed side hustle around him. It was just the job he did - on call and reliant on the customer. I couldn't say 'please can you do the school run tomorrow' as we never knew, so I couldn't work a normal job, but it worked for us at the time. I couldn't have gone back to the hours and the commute of my job post kids as I couldn't have found a nursery or childcare to suit. Likewise I did all the shopping cleaning gardening so that on a weekend day off for him it meant we could do quality family stuff.

In later years he's changed the job and now self employed and only takes work that suits us better as a family. I'm now working outside the home and the kids have grown/flown, and he's cutting down as he goes into retirement, and I will too. You have to give and take, and adapt according to family needs.