If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

The mental load is apparently very heavy. I have no idea how single working parents manage. This is actually mockery to them.

I don't understand what more you expect. He works long hours, earns the household income, spends a lot of time with DC when he is home, deals with his own laundry and cooks if he has a decent length of time between shifts.

You have one child at home in the day. Is there a reason he needs to be thinking about whether the rest of the households laundry needs sorting too? If you were both out of the house for the same number of hours it's fair enough but you're not.

Very little

This is very true. I supported my kids dad as he retrained for a better career, due to the intensity it worked out better for me to be a SAHP to our young children until he qualified/got through the first year. Colossally bit me in the arse to be honest, children have high needs autism, youngest is a year away from school and I’m sitting with an every emptying CV whilst he used to tell me he couldn’t possibly do a thing because he worked. I would seriously advice any woman not to ever take this route. Support is meant to work both ways, but inevitably it just falls into the situation like the op, where there is a conflicting view of what is supporting a working partner and what is taking the mick into not lifting a finger in your own home.

It’s a relationship killer, being made to feel you’re an unpaid housemaid. It’s not just about what’s ‘fair’ to the working partner, it’s about having some respect for your home environment despite having a paycheck.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I have children who are similar ages to the OP’s eldest (and I also have another younger child) and given they are at school for six hours and I’d expect a 9mth old to nap during the day, I can’t understand how the OP doesn’t have time alone to do work without the children around on an almost daily basis.

Surely the mental load related to the kids is part of the job of the sahp?

It’s hard work when women do it but when it’s the man it’s nothing.
Oh all he did was take them out for the morning, come back, feed them, occupy them in the house and keep them away from me for 85% of the day. So nothing really apparently.

Of course not. But it’s shift job where you go through different time zones and need to be alert.

Nothing. You are very lucky. You seem to have a DH that works very hard, works long hours and also is a hands on dad when he is home. So he leaves the odd dish in the sink. Not the end of the World really is it. If it bothers you that much that just mention it to him that it would help you out if he could please rinse his dish and pop it in the dishwasher.

I suppose it depends on the baby (and the job!) but all day with a 9 month old isn't necessarily easier than all day in a job. My 9 month old was an absolute horror, screeched all the time and wouldn't be put down for naps. Refused all food too aside from breastmilk so i ended up underweight not to mention waking up a gazillion times a night. My corporate job was more manageable even though it was supposed to be a high stress one!

The OP’s husband does short haul so time zones are irrelevant.

I assumed everyone would think like this, but obviously not!

She could divorce him, but then she would have to get a job herself and step up her pension.

This is loads. He’s working not only long hours but unsociable ones too which I imagine muck up his sleep patterns.

No, he does twice the work that you do.

If the sexes were reversed, you'd be a cock lodger by MN standards.

And when you calmly discussed this with him, what did he say?

They have two parents. Parenting them is not wholly on the SAHP because you may as well be a single parent if the working parent doesn’t meet their needs other than playing with them a bit. It’s also a poor example to the children if they see dad doesn’t do any housework, takes them to the dentist/doctors/hairdressers or knows anything at all about their school lives/activities outside of swimming and such. Just playing with the kids and doing nothing else sounds more like a glorified babysitter than real parenting.

Still crazy hours and shift work.

If it feels unbalanced it probably is.
i would expect my partner to work a more family friendly job really. Coz you’re probably doing nights and days.

if you took the same approach eg childcare as his the job so did no house chores in that time, would it stack up? I suspect so. In which case you need to think of a balance.

if he’s doing activities with them then at last make sure he does all the prep and clean up for them. If he has a long commute on a train spent on his phone- he can do an online food shop etc from a list- or put the little one in the nursery for a morning and have child free time? So it feels more balanced. Don’t do chores in that time. Do something for you.

you probs just need to discuss a routine. So can he change his hours so he always does breakfast or a school run etc so you can do other chores. I think with 3 kids and FT work though it’s just a slog to get it all done!

But you’re a SAHM and your older children are at school all day.
The washing loads can be done during the day - why would he need to be putting on loads of washing?

If he was a slob and not putting his pants in the laundry bin, I’d take issue, but if he’s generally cool and like to spend time with the children when he’s at home, that seems pretty good.

I think worrying about ‘childcare’ and the % split, makes it seem more like a job - when in fact, just being a family and being your kids isn’t ‘childcare’.
It’s being parents. And it seems like you e got a pretty good balance for your family.

My husband does the same job and manages to help around the house and with the children. It’s really not difficult.

Readjusting your expectations may not be about getting him to help more. Sounds nearly impossible with thoss hours. But it could be worth thinking about what you both want out of life and any steps you could take to get there, for example:
Are you happy being a SAHM - would you prefer to do maybe part time work, and do you get any time for your own social life and things you want to do? (no judgment against either choice, but you seem unhappy with the status quo)
Are there any household jobs you could outsource?
And are you happy with the time you get with DH, or does it feel like you do the household, he does his job, you both do childcare and then no time left - is there any possibility of him reducing hours if it suited you both?
Those changes might not be financially doable, but if there's something you want to change, tell DH and have a joint think about what compromises it might mean.

not much esp as you only have a baby during the day and the other children are in school. Are you struggling?