If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

Yeah the work thing was a a bit of a joke.

I’m wondering if this is made up, I hope it is because surely nobody can make lists like that and think this will make people see how much I do.

Yes I remember reading that a pilot is one of the most stressful jobs. Pilots have really high rates of stress and depression, compared with other professions.
OP even seems to begrudge him a morning coffee from Costa.
I believe it's absolutely easier to be a SAHM to two school age children and a 9 month old baby than be a pilot. I'm in no way dismissing the relentless nature of being a SAHM. I was one for 7 years and I know it's tough!
However, I'd much rather be in OP's position than having the pressure and responsibility of flying hundreds of passengers around the world most days.

If you are feeling swamped could you not get a cleaner either every week/every other week to take the load off you a bit? I wouldn't personally expect him to do more than he is.

You missed out the jobs he has to do while at work.
I'm a SAHM if I list every single thing I do, I'd MAYBE have a list longer than his, but vacuuming/dusting etc doesn't really compare to his day. He must do certain things otherwise people could die.
I must come across as a non feminist, I'm not! I've realised every job holds its own shit.

I’m sorry but it is really rather silly for the OP to list her jobs for the day and break them down even to “load up baby and dogs”. But then for her pilot husband merely say “work” and commute back home.

Sorry but this is disrespectful. If her husband listed all the actual elements of his working hours it would be extensive, stressful, highly involved with a variety of other personnel, full of concentration and responsibilities.

But she gives no indication of that whatsoever. If you want to compare take off and landing of a plane, dealing with bad weather and turbulence to loading dogs and a baby in a car that’s just nuts.

Presumably a pilot’s wage would allow his wife to employ a cleaner and additional help in the house. After all his wage is supporting her desire to be a SAHP. Of course that doesn’t mean that it absolves him of all family involvement but OP does admit he is actively involved with the children whenever possible.

What u doing while hes doimg 85% of childcare? For a while i was a staynat home mum with ft working husband. I felt that if he was working 40hrs pw i should do at least 20hr housework and have dinner ready. He did do some childcare allowing me to go out etc if u do half the amount hours housework when he takes kids out you cam have time for u

Mine works night shift, long hours, doesn’t always sleep as he should either as it can be noisy in the day. I don’t really expect much most days. He often makes everyone dinner, as im busy running about with any Clubs etc at that time, and will do things if I ask but otherwise in the week is not much. Sometimes he just has to go back to sleep if he’s not had enough. We just team work it the best we can and give eachother a break when we can. I think we are both exhausted.

None. I worked alongside him so the same hours. When we got home, he’d sleep, read the papers or a book with his feet up. Potter about and relax for a couple of days off. I’d have the children, the housework, the laundry, the prep for the next week’s work, the other house to clean after one set of holiday makers and those people to transport to the mainland and I had to bring the next lot over for their holiday. I chopped wood for the fire, cooked, washed dishes, went shopping and played with the kids. We had no electricity so laundry was washed by hand. By the time I had time to sit down, it was time to go back for the next week’s work on the trawler.

Bloody hell. How unfair for you!

You have already said that he works long hours and you dont work but, when he is off he does 85% of the childcare.

What do YOU expect him to do, above and beyond working really long hours and then having the kids 85% of the time that he isnt working?

I'd expect him to at the very least clear up after himself, wash up his cup/plate etc and not just leave it for OP.

My friend works long shifts, has a child and still manages to clear up after herself.

Pilots have a decent amount of down time, particularly if they have layovers.

Of course - clear up after yourself is surely what any person should be doing (including children).

I didnt realise he was a pilot as obviously that isnt working long hours as they have the rests etc (my friend is a pilot and i wouldnt class this as working long hours). Also she gets paid a lot and they can have help etc round the house so she isnt scrubbing toilets after being with her kids when she is home.

My Dad on the other hand worked his whole life in a manual job on a very low wage and he wouldnt have been expected to come home and do the housework or anything like that. He wouldnt have been able physically to even have us 85% of the time. So the pilot's wife is in a lucky position.

I would agree OP was lucky if she had a cleaner and he was clearing up after himself and they had equal leisure time.

I would not have minded if I’d got some wages for the trawler …after expenses and the boat share, the rest is divided among the crew. Skipper might get 2 shares. I should have got the rest. Being the only crew. When I was sacked for being 8 months pregnant with #2 …too embarrassing for him to have me climbing the ladders 15 ft at port at low tide, …he got 3 men to replace me. When I asked why 3 , he said he couldn’t ask fewer to do what I did. Their shares were £700-800 a week after tax each. I did feel a little resentful at my £10 per week pocket money 🤣

😮

I hope it's not too bold to hope he is an ex now! Or had a massive personality transplant!

No. He is an ex. I did last 20 years but yeah, got away in the end. He never trapped another woman. He died a few weeks ago.

You've detailed your daily tasks as individual items but for him you've just lumped it all under 'work'. So of course yours sounds longer 🙄

It really is rather extraordinary isn’t it.

If my husband is out working long hours and I'm at home all the time then I don't expect him to do any household chores, but would expect him to share child care when he's home.

If I was also out at work all day then I'd expect to share household chores 50/50.

You work long hours too OP, just inside the home rather than out of it. Your contribution is just as valuable as his. He needs to parent and contribute to the household tasks too.

Rather than try and work out how many hours he should put in, ensure you both have exactly the same amount of leisure time so things are completely fair. He doesn't deserve more off time or less of the mental load because his job is renumerated

This!!

I bet if her H was to do it in his view it would be very different.

Also i must be missing somewhere where the OP said he was a pilot!!

If you choose "See all" to view OP's posts, you'll be able to see where she said this.

Your two year old must be less energetic than you think then and must be quite the exception. This is the most unrelatable comment I have ever seen in my life.