If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

My DH was away a lot with work so I had to get on with everything.
He was good with the DC and they adore him but never as hands on as yours sounds.
He then got a job where he was away during the week, home at weekends and did most of the gardening, DIY, helped clear up after meals etc.

Are you happy as a SAHM or would you like to be at work?
I found after the DC all started school I needed to get back to work part-time at least, but until then I was busy and happy as a SAHM.

While working shifts probably not much basic household chores. Maybe a bit of time taking the baby so I could have a bath or pop to the shops without them in tow. On his days off I'd expect a bit of help with some of the bigger chores or planning for the week. Day to day stuff like taking out a bag of rubbish to the bin would be whoever found it full.

If I also worked outside the home I'd be expecting much more equal contribution to the home chores though. I'm a single parent so I've had to run a home, work full time and raise children by myself. It's much easier to keep a home running smoothly when one of you is able to be home.

SAHPs don't really get "paid" the market rate for their services though, do they?

If a SAHP is providing a "paid for" service, like a nanny or a housekeeper, then surely they'd get their board and lodging provided, and then the market rate on top of that, plus paid holidays and time off.

It's not really comparable.

Instead both parents should be working to create a decent life for their children, with quality family time and each parent also getting time to rest and pursue their own interests without the children.

Each also contributes different resources and a different skill-set - one parent (male or female) might have a highly remunerated skill and be willing to put long hours in at work but lack the patience to want to do childcare for hours on end each day. Another parent might really want to work, but in reality they don't have great earning potential so it makes financial sense to avoid nursery fees until the kids are school age or at least get some funded hours. Another parent might want to be at home with the kids all the time, but the family needs a second part-time income at least and so they have to work at least a few days a week.

These are all compromises that families have to make irl. But none of them involve "buying" the services of a lower-paid or non-working partner. And as a bare minimum, all adults in the household should clean up after themselves and set an example of respect and appreciation to the kids. And both adults should have at least a little bit of regular time to themselves or to pursue their own interests.

SAHPs don't really get "paid" the market rate for their services though, do they?

If a SAHP is providing a "paid for" service, like a nanny or a housekeeper, then surely they'd get their board and lodging provided, and then the market rate on top of that, plus paid holidays and time off.

Well I would suggest that a SAHP is entirely paid for/paid by the working partner. Board and lodging plus all expenses (clothes, meals out, luxuries, household items, all bills, car, phone, plus all holidays are paid holidays). Time off I would expect to be negotiated in most families.

But remember, "time off" for us workers is what SAHPs are describing as "work", so time off is an interesting one!

Slaves are entirely paid for by their masters too, aren't they? What you're describing would be viewed as exploitation outside the family context.

There's a reason why employment relationships are regulated to such an extent. SAHPs are not employees and should not be viewed as such.

So his loving family miss him and want to speak to him? The poor lamb.
A job with that much travel and he opts of family life further? Moaning that his wife calls him? Jesus. What an arse

Agreed.

Imagine being annoyed because your kids are excited you're home or your wife calls you when she thinks your child might have broken their arm.

@Goldbar Wow. Comparing people choosing to be SAHPs with slavery? Crass and offensive to black people. You do know that being a SAHP is different from slavery, right? In that you can end the arrangement at any time.

And sorry, who do you think pays for a SAHP? Do you think they get magic money? It's the working partner. And there are no formal employee contracts for SAH work because then there would be deliverables and standards and performance management. SAHPs would not like that. In being a SAHP, you have your entire life paid for by the working partner. In return for that, doing the housework and childcare is the expectation, no?

it sounds like he does a lot TBH. If your job is the children then you should do your and their washing and he does his. By your thinking, how hard would it be for you to chuck a load of his washing into the machine?

so he has to do all the work and half of the house stuff? That doesn’t seem at all fair.

Personally I wouldn’t expect help during the week much at all. If he’s working and taking care of the kids when off I feel like that’s enough. I realise SAHM is full on but no more than if you were working full time as we both wrk full time in our house and tbh most of the childcare falls on me even though I work 8-5 and dh works 10-7

It isn’t.

My kids have flown the nest... but my husband doesn't work, and I do. I do 0 housework, I don't cook meals, I don't do laundry, bins, grocery shopping, or anything like that. He walks the dog and does all errands. I carry mental load for all family admin, including support for youngest who, while left the nest, is still actively being supported.

I suppose my point is that you need to agree to your division of labour together. You clearly feel it is unfair, but it does sound like your DH is working shifts. When my husband did work it was similar shifts and we had to take account of the recovery time from unsocial hours which meant that he was often a bit useless with the kids or anything else for that matter.

The main thing is to approach this like a team and support each other with understanding.

I know from experience that it is way to easy to slip into a competition over who is the most exhausted or put upon, and lose sight of being kind to each other.

You don’t do his laundry? Wow this will be a why is my husband leaving me post in a few years- he works all those hours as a fucking pilot!! and does his best with the kids when home and you want more!! You however don’t work and are a SaHM wow just wow!!

He sounds like he's pulling his weight.

I think she’s got things pretty easy if you ask me.
She says her husband is a pilot.

Well I for one would prefer to be piloted by a man who is not tired or stressed and be safe on my flight.

I think he does pretty darn good if he does 85% when he’s off.

Having read all your posts just because he works shouldn’t mean he gets a free pass and doesn’t do housework. If he lived by himself he would work and do chores so he should still do some chores of course.

wow, the man does his own laundry’s poor poor man 🤣🤣 come on. She looks after his children 24/7 while he is at work, doesn’t mean she should do all housework and laundry. She isn’t a skivvy.

@PicturePlace - I'm not sure what has happened to you in life to reduce you to this, but your comments are pitiful reading. Maybe consider some therapy to work things through?

He's not at work 24/7.

The 2 older children are at school for a chunk of the day.

I'm not saying that being on your own with a baby all day is a walk in the park, but let's not resort to hyperbole about the situation.

I think your household needs to pay a cleaner to come in weekly to clean everything to lighten your load and then you'll be less resentful .

How many men want more than 2 children? Mainly the ones with more was because their DW wanted them. I’d expect many men would be happy with 1.

I'm not saying this applies to the OP's situation, but modern slavery is an ongoing problem worldwide and it is not infrequently dressed up as 'marriage' to hide it. Married relationships can be abusive and exploitative. Women who are SAHPs are at risk of exploitation due to their diminished economic power compared to their partners. Just because you 'pay for someone's keep', as you put it, doesn't entitle you to expect them to work 24/7 with no pay and no holidays - what exactly would you call that?

In terms of expectations, the expectation should be that each partner makes a fair contribution to the relationship. Not that the SAHP does all the housework and childcare. Since the other parent doesn't work 24/7, the SAHP shouldn't be working 24/7 either.

He does half the home stuff WHEN he is at home.

Not half in total.

I bet he wouldn’t. I bet he’d have a cleaner and send his laundry out. He wouldn’t be keeping four other people either.