If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

FFS, he may not do much housework BUT he entertains the kids most of the time, takes the did for their walks and cooks food. Give the guy a break.

But he has CHOSEN to have children - 2 at least. And presumably keeping the baby was a joint decision too.

So I'm not sure the relevance of what he'd do if he lived alone would be.

Living alone isn't an option - he has a family.

When I lived alone, I frequently worked 16 hour days and ate microwave meals. That has no relevance at all to how my DH and I live now we have children.

I think you come across as a bit entitled you are only a SAHM because your OH works to get the income to allow you to afford to do so. You have 3 children - why? The world’s a mess it does feel indulgent to have that many ( and then whine about it). If you hadn’t had the third you could have gone back to being an executive and paid for help so no need to fret over dishwasher or laundry.

plenty of women have to do 100% childcare, housework and hold down a job plus all the school drop offs etc. (On their own as single parents).

if OH wasn’t helping at weekends at all you would right of complaint.

You are BU you wanted to be a SAHM by your own admission,.your DH has a demanding job would you like him to wash the kitchen floor, hoover when he gets home at 3.00 am? Alternatively you can put the baby into nursery or get a nanny and get a job.

It wasn’t me who brought it up. 🤷‍♀️

But people on this thread keep saying, 'Oh, if he lived alone, he wouldn't need to cook, he wouldn't need to clean, he'd have his laundry done for him, he wouldn't need to pay for the OP and kids'.

I mean, that's probably true - but he wouldn't be a family man either. He'd be a single man with no children.

Presumably the OP didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to marry her and have three children with her. This life - married with children - is one that he himself CHOSE.

So saying 'Oh if the OP and kids weren't around, he wouldn't have to do any of this shit' is fairly pointless.

He has chosen to be a husband and a father and that brings responsibilities with it. Responsibilities that it is impossible for him to walk away from.

Women who are SAHPs are at risk of exploitation due to their diminished economic power compared to their partners.

That's very much not the case here. The OP is actively choosing not to work. Please don't compare her situation to slavery or modern slavery - that's really offensive.

Just because you 'pay for someone's keep', as you put it, doesn't entitle you to expect them to work 24/7 with no pay and no holidays - what exactly would you call that?

She does have pay, her partner literally pays for everything she has and does. I assume she goes on holidays with her partner, too.

I find your views offensive tbh, along with anyone else who thinks a SAHP is a 24/7 skivvy that the working parent "pays for".

I am not a SAHP myself, but SAHPs are not "paid for" by the other parent out of their "own" money. That is an exploitative and abusive way to look at SAHPs, mostly women.

In functioning, non-abusive relationships with a pretence at equality, both partners make a decision that one parent will become a SAHP to support the family and the other parent will focus on earning the money. Money is family money, not the money of the wage-earning parent. So the wage-earning parent is not "paying for" the SAHP and the SAHP is not their employee or servant. Instead, the SAHP is supporting the family by doing the bulk of housework and childcare and the working parent is supporting the family by earning money. Both the SAHP and working parent should have access to family money for their needs and expenses, but that's what it is - family money. So no one is paying for anyone else. That's the split of responsibilities that the family has chosen for their own particular reasons, whether because one parent is working long hour or to avoid nursery fees or for any other reason.

It sounds as though he does plenty given his job and shift work.

When is he suppose to rest or do 50% of the chores, at 3am?

Ask yourself this - If you went to work with your husband and still did all of the domestic stuff - How much work would he expect you to do at work?

What if he was a single parent?

I've said it before and I'll say it again - This is not the 1950's. Women are not placed on this earth to just push out kids.

Do something for yourself as well, OP! It's OK for you to want a career and to work.

I read you are feeling resentful of having to be doing most of the “boring and thankless” everyday stuff. I can understand that and I am surprised of some comments from women that seem to completely dismiss how frustrating that can be…despite having chosen to be a SAHM (this is very reminiscent of the old paradigm where it’s ok and expected for women to be busy with menial tasks and men to be having “jobs”).
The issue is that if you are in paid employment, you would have higher chances of being recognized for your work, being seen, perhaps even praised. Rarely this will happen if you do the washing up or clean the bathroom! I think that in your case, your husband is hardly available to contribute more, but I would share your frustration on the lack of recognition and push for an attitude change, which hopefully in turn will translate in action too.

Do people really get praised for going out to work? Usually working in a soul destroying job to make money for someone else is thankless.

I would not expect any help from him but I also would not expect YOU to do everything. I hope that if he's working that much, you all are benefitting financially from it. If so, hire a housecleaner to come in and help once a week. Get a sitter to allow you to take time off periodically to have adult time. And be sure to tell him how lucky you feel to have such a hard working husband who enables you to be at home with the kids, and still takes an active role in raising the kids!

To those who are arguing my post saying it's still his responsibility is ridiculous, it is important he does his share of housework on his days off. Childcare only doesn't cut it. Yes you can't do 50% if you get home at 3am, on the day, but you certainly can on your days off. I have been in both roles (currently the breadwinner) and the important thing is neither person is treated like domestic help and childcare is valued for the tough all consuming job that it is. We do our share. When DH was on long hours he did plenty of housework on days off, and now I do the same. When it's more even and we have both been working we both do our share of housework and parenting. If OPs DH doesn't want to do this then he hires a cleaner. It's not the 1950s!

@Lollipop81 She looks after his children 24/7 while he is at work

Such an oxymoron!

Unless you get benefits then all the money you have is provided by the working spouse. I am not sure why you are offended by that fact

Not all of us marry sugar daddies.

I wouldn’t expect anything at all in terms of physical help.

At the end of the day if I worked full time and my partner was home with the kids all the time, I would still do some housework when I was at home. I wouldn’t think i deserved to not lift a finger ( which he is doing) and neither would I want to. Working full time doesn’t give you a pass to do no house work at all.

Posts like this are always hard because really it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Here you feel undervalued and are resentful. Eventually that will impact on the stability of your marriage so something does need to change. You do need to have a sit down talk, arrange for someone else to mind the kids and maybe write down what your main issues are so always being left to do chores for example. Being a pilot doesn't mean he can't load or unload a dishwasher. He works long hours and has other people's lives in hands, he needs sleep and that is something that I would consider and you already do (assuming he's not doing night wakeups with the baby).A little bit of thoughtfulness on his part wouldn't go amiss, so he gets his uniform out, he puts a load of washing in, he irons his uniform, he irons the kids uniforms and hangs them up, he gets a costa on the way into work, he could get you one on his way home. Is there stuff that you can outsource that would make your life easier?

You have chosen to be a sahm, you have 3 kids, you've chosen a dh with job with long, unsocial hours.This was always going to involve domestic drudgery and with his hours you were always going to be the default parent, surely you anticipated that? You need to take some responsibility here for the choices you have made. However, that doesn't mean you just have to take it on the chin, there are simple things he could do that would lighten the load. At the moment you are responsible for all child rearing, housework and mental load, that is a lot for anyone (I wouldn't have signed up for it). If it was me I'd be more inclined to get him doing his fair share of actual parenting when off, so kids are being set up with an activity then he plays with baby or feeds him/her or makes a meal.He gets the uniforms ready, gets pe kits packed, checks homework is done, takes on some of that mental load that you are responsible for. Yes he might not be able to do the same chores every week depending on his work schedule but he can pick up different things each week.Have the chat and work on these issues. Best of luck op.

If he’s home at 8pm then out again at 12pm the following day I would be asking him to watch the kids whilst I went to do a food shop before he went to work. He’s home anyway, going alone is much more stress free and wouldn’t even take long.

My partner can be home 9-10pm then be at work for 12pm the following day and he wouldn’t have any problem with this as he wouldn’t be in bed until the last minute. He would also tidy up whilst I was shopping too. I work too, Part Time and on these days I’m home I would be up early to sort my other child for school.

I think as long as he’s hands on with everything when he is there, then there’s probably very little you can expect for the times he’s only there for a couple of hours in between.

I am a SAHM 3yr old and 2month old and we split the weekend. One weekend DH has 8 hours to himself to do what's he wants child free and another weekend I get 8 hours (I EBF) to do what's I want a bit tricky witha. Newborn but we try to make it as fair as possible.

As you have 2 school aged children your dH should have a few hours g or himself on this day(s) off

Try reading the OP's posts at least. She won't list everything he does because it'll make her own list look even less impressive but she did let slip that he does all his own laundry.

I think it was very telling the way the OP just listed
work
in really quite a dismissive manner. No recognition of being responsible for a plane full of passengers and all the ramifications that are the responsibility of a pilot, tricky flight conditions etc. She doesn’t even include his washing in the family load.