If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

I think with these sorts of hours, could you afford a cleaner maybe a couple of times a week? Lots of people will jump on and say you should have lots of spare time ,but you dont when all on you. Then DH will be able to relax and so can you a little more. You are looking after DC and supporting your DH.You need time as well!

havent rtft. But it seems he is doing plenty around the home during days off. I wouldn’t expect him to do cleaning/cooking work days. OP
only has a 9/12 old at home all day. That’s ok, plenty of time of clean/ do washing and prepare a meal and to play/go out and entertain a baby. She’s not overwhelmed with what needs done. It would be unfair for her to be sitting hoofs up during the day and have her husband come home and start cooking/unloading dishwashers etc. Yes, her day may go on a bit longer if she needs to clean up after meals and get kids to bed but there’s plenty of downtime in the day with only a baby at home.

Because as a single/separated dad he wouldn't be paying for 100% of the OP + kids' living expenses. Surely that's obvious? The two situations aren't remotely comparable.

Also, you imply that he's exempt from household responsibilities, but claim that what he does do is easy. However if so, it's also easy when OP does it, so she's not doing anything particularly hard, and so has no right to complain.

OP - note you list loading baby and dogs into car for school run as one of your jobs

are you feeling overwhelmed? Has there been any PND?

there’s nothing wrong with asking him for help (particularly around basic cleaning up free himself) if you are struggling and perhaps baby being unplanned means you may not have been in the right headspace. Maybe a cleaner would help to reduce the pressure when he is off work so you can spend family time together?

When do you actually spend time together as a family? Sounds like he takes them out by himself when he is home, to leave you alone. Doesn’t sound great.

Zero for those hours if you're sahm

The SAHM/ working parent debate is a red herring here as I don't think OP really wants to be a SAHM to begin with. Having been used to kids in school and the days to herself for several years, I think she has gotten used to a lifestyle of lots of downtime and few demands on her time.

Nevertheless, this thread has provided some laughs from various posters.

Examples:

• Itemising 'waking the older kids' and 'coming home' as chores
• Saying that paying all the bills is 'the bare minimum' (because a man is the one doing it)
• Suggesting that the stress of 'house admin' is in any way comparable to the pressure of being the sole breadwinner
• Equating the demands of SAH parenting to high-stress, safety-critical jobs

Mumsnet at its classic, double-standard finest. 😂

Have I been at home today? Have I been parenting today? Has my partner been at work today? You don't know the answers to those questions.

Lol I can take a pretty good guess.

It’s not because a ‘man’ is doing it. That is disingenuous and quite frankly offensive to single parents who work to pay the bills and have to do all the child rearing/housekeeping/life admin themselves. Paying the bills is the bare basics in having a family as much as feeding and clothing the children. Does mean you’ve done enough of your ‘bit’ in earning the money when it comes to parenting or household responsibilities.

I'm the main breadwinner in my family (and was the sole breadwinner for a while). It is immensely stressful. I think you can't appreciate how stressful unless you've been there, just like you can't appreciate how hard the mental load is if you're not doing it!

I'll go back to the point - either doing 85% of the childcare is no work at all and the childcare aspect of the OP's job as a SAHM is very low - as a lot of the time the OP only has the baby at home so even easier. Note thus is for these kids - the other poster with 3 preschoolers is a completely different case! This would mean the OP has a light load doing house work and childcare (unless we're suddenly going to discover she's running a 10 room B&B at the same time).

Or (as I think we all know) it isn't easy and the DH doing 85% of childcare whilst he's home is him making a pretty good contribution!

I have 2 kids yes. And they were babies once yes.

My list was the same as above when I had a newborn and a 3 year old, but without the full time work and will all of the things that OP had ticked.

But it doesn’t seem he’s doing childcare in the same sense as actual parenting, this is the point. He’s essentially babysitting, parenting is a whole other ballgame and not just the fun hanging out bits. If he’s not actually doing some of the actual parts of parenting beyond a couple of activities to keep them occupied, then this ‘85% of childcare’ thing is actually irrelevant.

But what are the ‘parenting’ parts and how much time does that actually take - op would still be doing the hanging out and activities during her days. OP doesn’t mention if he does bath/bed/meals. Is he expected to arrange appointments and take kids to them on his days off?

you can’t get away from the fact that the sahp will have the mental pad of the kids - it’s inevitable and makes sense. Doesn’t mean sahp has to have mental load of all bills etc

He has a high pressure job and is faciliating OP to be at home with the kids. As far as I’m concerned that means it’s ok for him to parent the nice bits. I’m sure if the kids are at school OP isn’t doing the lionshare of ‘parenting’ in the day either. So it’s just housework / household chores and the school/club runs. Yes it’s a hard slog but OP doesn’t work so she has the time.

I have been a sahm to 2 kids and now 3. With the two, my partner didn't do much outside of work in terms of housework etc. now with 3, there is no option for him not to help. There is simply not enough hours in the day for one person to do everything for 3 kids if you want to maintain good standards.

Even with 2 of them being older? Can you explain the difference between a newborn and 3 year old, versus a 9 month old and a 7 and 8 year old? I've had my kids at all of these ages, and 7 and 8 are not full on ages where you can't get things done.

It is quite possible. Maybe not for you and that is absolutely fine, but for many it is very much possible.

Ridiculous. Of course the parent at home isn't working as hard as the parent in work! For most of us, the weekends spent with the kids are the leisure time!

Tbf though if he's in at 3am and then off for 12 noon shift I would expect you to have had a good nights sleep at a decent hour, got up, chucked in a load to do whilst doing the school run and then sorted it when you got back. All while he's not even had 6 hours off.

If at the weekends you'd prefer him to do housework whilst you take kids off then say to him "I'll take them swimming today whilst you do x y and z".

However I think it's a shame you don't all go swimming as a family, then set up an activity whilst you both get stuck into some house jobs.

But it doesn’t seem he’s doing childcare in the same sense as actual parenting, this is the point. He’s essentially babysitting, parenting is a whole other ballgame and not just the fun hanging out bits. If he’s not actually doing some of the actual parts of parenting beyond a couple of activities to keep them occupied, then this ‘85% of childcare’ thing is actually irrelevant.

I don't understand. What else is there to parenting, apart from hanging around with the kids? Do you mean making lunch, etc? Hardly taxing!

@itsgettingweird "However I think it's a shame you don't all go swimming as a family, then set up an activity whilst you both get stuck into some house jobs."

I strongly disagree with this.He should take them swimming while the OP has a couple of hours to herself. Good for both him and the kids to have some time together.

One of my kids is autistic and requires alot of help still. A third child is a whole extra person. Dont think you have considered the difference between two and 3 kids. A whole extra person obviously requires more time. You have no experience to judge the op.

Op did you feel like this before the unplanned baby? Is it just that you’re down in the trenches with how difficult the first 18 months are and are feeling resentful?

I have no experience....I had 2 under 3 and kept things going. OP has 1 under 3 and 2 older and more independent. I could argue OP doesn't have my experience. It's not about numbers, like other people have told you it's not much difference with 3. For reference, I also childminded a baby, 2 x under 3s and some over 6s all at the same time. For 3 years. And still had my house sorted.