If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

Of course him even washing his own clothes and uniform is an issue. You could look at it as him doing 1/5th of the families washing, which added to the 1/7 evening meals he cooks and then 85% of childcare when he’s off starts to look much closer to 50/50 during his non working time.

There’s no point defending yourself to some. Even in this day and age so many people (including women) seem to believe that parenting the children and running a home two people made together should solely be the job on the parent who’s at home/lower earner. Which in the majority of cases is the mum. The fact is, it’s solely their job when the other parent is out of the house, when both are home it’s both their responsibility equally. That’s life when you choose to have a partner and children, your pay check isnt a get out ticket from home responsibilities. The work doesn’t stop because you’ve clocked out of your paying job.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the one coming across as angry here 🤷‍♂️

Not a lot. He’s working long hours.

@WhateverMate I did see the previous posts but I thought the reason she wasn’t doing any housework during the day (other than tidying) was because she has 3 preschoolers at home and is also pregnant? She basically has a childminding business at home with that many preschoolers 😂

I'm wondering whether this thread is even real and the OP is not sitting somewhere with a bag of 🍿 and enjoying the...erm..."discussion"...

If parent 1 works outside the home, and parent 2 has the kids mostly, then I use this rule:
When P1 is working on their paid job, P2 is working as much on their non-paid job with the kids.
As the kids almost certainly need longer hours of care than P1's work, the hours outside P1s work hours should be evenly split between the two parents, excluding family time when they would both be with the kids.

Do people really think it's ok for someone to not even bother to wash their own cereal bowl on their day off.

How fucking lazy. I work full time and am somehow able to wash a bowl. I haven't keeled over yet.

OP is looking after THEIR baby all day and kids in the mornings/evenings.

That doesn't mean she's his maid at all times and he should never had to lift a finger.

Some people have some seriously low bars.

No one has said he shouldn’t deal with his bowl and not leave unnecessary mess

It wasn’t his day off. He lifts plenty of fingers by the sound of it - 85% of childcare when he’s not at work

I find it odd when people think being a 'stay at home' parent includes cleaning and cooking!!!!

It's about being there to parent!

I think he should in general do 50:50 of cooking and cleaning. If his long hours mean, if he also cooks and cleans he'd have no time with the kids then you might feel that's not really ideal and do more cooking and cleaning to facilitate their time tog

For me, the 9 month old changes everything, I think you're both undoubtedly under a lot of pressure, the first year of a baby is tough, especially when you have older kids you also need to be there for. Try to be kind to each other at this time xxx

Yes I was talking about another poster.

I mentioned my DH in that post (and in an earlier post asking why piloting is sacrosanct but other difficult jobs are not) because he was a police officer on a brutal shift pattern when DD was pre-school aged and still
managed to contribute something other than money and sperm to family life and our household 😂

The work doesn’t stop because you’ve clocked out of your paying job.

But the work shouldn't pile up because the person at home all day in the home they made together, refuses to do any?

So one's working outside all day, while the other is Mumsnetting all day at home with the kids.

That's no way to treat anyone, let alone the other parent of your children.

PP are being very rude but also I don't think anybody's situation is comparable. Just as all FT jobs are different, all SAHP situations are different too.

I find the OP's expectations unrealistic for her situation. Husband who works shifts ( this is very damaging to the body, messes up your circadian rhythm) and occupies kids when he's free. He could be more respectful w.r.t his own mess e.g dishes but I think the split is fair. If OP is overwhelmed with the 9 month old she could look at maybe getting a cleaner but making hubby do more is unfair.

If her husband had a normal 9-5 job I'd feel differently, he could definitely be doing more. Also in cases where a woman (usually being the lower earner) has to stay at home as childcare is too expensive .. husband should pitch in more.

Does everything have to be a who has it hardest competition? People's lives are different and they cope with them differently. There's a lot of very personal comments on here.

Ahh I see.

No, that's not the reason.

Why low bar? I often don't wash up right after the meal. When enough dishes accumulate, then it all goes into a dishwasher or washed by hand at the end of the night/the following morning. I have never really considered it to be such a big deal.

Why are pilots so revered on here?! 😂

I’ve never done DH’s laundry nor he mine.

For the first 18 months of DD’s life DD was away all week. I did get resentful about his chilled evenings and ability to watch/listen to whatever he wanted, read books etc while I was doing all the night wakings and expressing and sorting out of stuff. He picked up everything at weekends so that I could recoup some energy to manage the next week’s disturbed sleep and work (self-employed) to keep my hand in.

Roles now reversed but with older children.

It’s not clear how much OP’s DH’s absence is exacerbated by travel to an/different airport(s). I could understand the resentment about commuting being like resting compared to the relentlessness of parenting a baby, and the bowl in the sink would absolutely sit there until it walked out the door itself if it happened in my house.

Giving up an exec career seems foolhardy at best. Anything could prevent a pilot being able to fly commercially. (My relative couldn’t fly when a condition worsened as he aged so he ended up starting an airline and he now runs that instead. The financials are far less secure. The longer you’re out of exec or even corporate life, the harder it is to get back in. You’re clearly intelligent. DC3 was unplanned and has rather upset the apple cart. You could consider nursery for the baby, cleaning/gardening services for the house and dip your toe back into work, OP. Just because you planned something as a child doesn’t mean it can’t be changed. And it may just help you get some balance and respect at home.

But the husband isn’t doing anything at home, bar a few activities with the kids. He’s not involved in the crux of parenting them, he’s not doing any housework. In terms of what he’s providing, yes the bills are paid and the kids have some attention from their dad but that’s it. It’s less than bare minimum…

I think there’s a couple of red herrings sending some people a bit off track here. The 85% of childcare during his time off doesn’t actually mean doing anything particularly taxing, and not seeing his children all week is a balance regardless. If the op and her husband were separated and this thread was ‘my ex will take the kids swimming, play in the garden with them then drop them off’ people wouldn’t be so sympathetic. If he’d have to step up as a single dad then why does he get to flake in this situation?

His job does sound difficult and tiring, but it really doesn’t mean that he’s exempt from all household responsibilities.

So what reason is it that you've decided I don't do housework except for the fact I'm parenting 3 young children and pregnant?

You said yourself the reason is you shouldn't be expected to do that and parent all day 😳

Yet all that parenting hasn't stopped you Mumsnetting all day, while the work piles up for your husband to do when he gets home from a full day at work.

Have I been at home today? Have I been parenting today? Has my partner been at work today? You don't know the answers to those questions.

And no I should not be expected to parent all day and do all the housework too. I have never denied that and it won't be changing. I will continue to parent however many children I have at home on any given day and will clean up after them/myself and nothing more. My partner and I will then complete everything else together when we are both home. Happily.

You could go out to work and pay for childcare, cleaner etc if you're not happy.