If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

Parenting means homework, washed and cleaned uniforms, buying the uniforms, the shoes, making sure the kids are measured for these items so they fit (of course finding, researching and apply for the school to start with), school runs, buying clothes in general, taking the kids out, arranging these trips/activities, after school clubs, Saturday clubs, play dates, birthdays, Christmas/other festivals, sorting presents and parties, taking them to other kids parties, getting gifts for those children, attending school events, parents evening, world book day costume, Red Nose Day, children in need day, dress like a Roman day, school trips, over night trips, pack the right bags for whatever is needed daily, arranging holidays, pack for every individual for said holiday, unpacking, washing, putting away everything, summer holiday entertainment, dentist appointments, haircuts, doctors when needed, up all night with them when they’re sick, changing the bedding, medicating them at correct times. Never mind meeting basic needs such as feeding, bathing, teeth brushing, general non neglectful parenting stuff. When you become a parent this is your job whether you work or not even if the bulk of it falls to the SAHP.

And if it’s ’hardly taxing’ then surely taking on just a few of these things is easy enough even if you have a difficult work schedule? Apparently it’s nothing for the op to even moan about but it’s far too much for someone with long working hours outside of the home…

50% help? When 15 hour days are typical?

Really?

Guess you missed the bit when OP said he does all his own laundry as she doesn't?

OP hasn’t said he never would do those things. She’s been very selective in what she has shared. Given she won’t even do all the laundry together, I suspect he does do some child rearing tasks. I am prepared to be proven wrong. In OP’s words, he does 85% of childcare when he’s around and off work. If we are dismissing this as not actual child rearing/parenting, then I guess we are dismissing OP’s SAHP role too!

The husband is completely out of order for leaving dishes and being lazy with housework. She is 100% not BU to be expected to be treated with respect. I’d expect a child to load a bowl in the dishwasher. The rest of it is just unreasonable unless OP says he throws dirty underwear on the floor or something similar. Or if he never played with and had quality time with his children.

Guess you missed the bit where I said big whoop, when you’re a parent ‘only doing your own laundry’ is in no way a positive point in your court. Could you imagine a mother on here saying ‘well I washed and dried my uniform for work and now my husband is irritated I didn’t at least wash and dry some of the kids things whilst at it. He should be grateful I’ve taken care of myself to give him a break’. Utterly laughable.

It sounds like the problem is that you are a SAHM because you feel like you SHOULD rather than you enjoy it. I think you need to be honest with yourself and recognise you can’t be that type of mum who is a homebody because they love it. You are starting to build up micro resentments over nothing (weighing in the balance how much you do vs him, what’s fair etc).

There is surely a middle ground between trying not to be your parents and not crucifying yourself in a life of what to you seems to feel like drudgery. It comes across like you want him to do chores because you want him to feel miserable about them just like you do. Isn’t a better solution to strive toward neither of you feeling miserable?

Oh come on! He took them out, brought them home, made them lunch then set up a structured activity for them at home. Whats the difference between OP’s parenting and the dad’s babysitting?

Is it magically easier for him to have them on a non school day than it is for OP to drop them off to school for 6 hours and then spend an evening with them?

That's a big harsh, she's not working as she's looking after the kids, he will be earning a huge wage as a pilot so yes they wage slip does matter! I don't fancy jumping on a plane when the pilot is too knackered.

No your post about the elves was.

Parenting means homework, washed and cleaned uniforms, buying the uniforms, the shoes, making sure the kids are measured for these items so they fit (of course finding, researching and apply for the school to start with), school runs, buying clothes in general, taking the kids out, arranging these trips/activities, after school clubs, Saturday clubs, play dates, birthdays, Christmas/other festivals, sorting presents and parties, taking them to other kids parties, getting gifts for those children, attending school events, parents evening, world book day costume, Red Nose Day, children in need day, dress like a Roman day, school trips, over night trips, pack the right bags for whatever is needed daily, arranging holidays, pack for every individual for said holiday, unpacking, washing, putting away everything, summer holiday entertainment, dentist appointments, haircuts, doctors when needed, up all night with them when they’re sick, changing the bedding, medicating them at correct times. Never mind meeting basic needs such as feeding, bathing, teeth brushing, general non neglectful parenting stuff. When you become a parent this is your job whether you work or not even if the bulk of it falls to the SAHP.

Oh. I hadn't even thought to list those things. That's pretty basic. We manage to do these small tasks easily, as well as both working full time jobs 🤷‍♀️

What actual parenting are you suggesting he's not doing? He's keeping the kids active and amused. I haven't seen any suggestion from OP that there's something she has to do with the kids in the times he's home that he isn't doing and she's clear he's looking after all 3, not taking the older two out and leaving her with the baby. OP's not said that he just sticks them in front of the TV (in fact she's said he's actively playing with them) or that he does the thing you often see on here where he plays on his phone and ignores the kids until OP has to take over. OP also hasn't said he refuses to do things she then has to do with the kids (and remember he's a shift worker so just because he's home at school pickup time doesn't mean it's reasonable to expect him to do school pick up - it will depend whether it's a full rest day, or if its actually time he should be asleep). OP's complaining he's not doing housework as well as what he's currently doing.

I absolutely agree he may be getting to do more of the fun stuff with the kids and less of the mundane stuff around housework, but then OP needs to actually communicate to him that she wants to be the one to take all three kids swimming (better her than me!) and leave him to do whatever she normally does at home when he takes the kids out. What she doesn't get to do is itemise her day in small steps including 'get child into the car' and then make out his commute is downtime but hers isn't (not clear why OP can't listen to a podcast when it's just her end the baby in the car!) and completely ignore that 'work' for her DH might be more than one item!

I agree with this. I've been a SAHM for 7 years (in the past, not now). I know it's tough but his long working hours and shifts are more tough.
I don't want to belittle the role of a house wife but I found it really easy to do the laundry, cooking etc wgrn i wasnt working. I had plenty of time, even with two toddlers in the house.

Yeah me too :). I'm also not clear why there's an assumption that a man that does his own washing and ironing isn't at packing and unpacking at least for himself. I'd actually assume he does at least the flight bookings for the holidays as well given he'll be the one with the system access to book, but of course it's possible OP uses his login and does it.

I know that OP may be doing all the mental load of parenting, but she isn't actually complaining about that. She's complaining about him not putting the laundry on!

We're talking about the time that the DH is not working. I agree that he probably doesn't sort the school uniforms out in that time, but if it's the holidays he is most definitely providing holiday entertainment. It's not clear why you'd assume he's not doing most of the things on that list if they need doing whilst he's not at work.

Remember - he is at work for something like 50-60 hours a week. there is downtime in that, but the OP also has downtime when the baby is sleeping and the kids are at school. The OP should be picking up the vast majority of parental admin because of his work hours

Dh is out the house 9am till 8/10pm weekdays.
He without fail makes tea in the morning. Gets the dcs breakfast sorted. Usually gets the youngest dressed. Makes all 4 beds.
Whilst I Potter wash up , sort Washing etc.

He probably does 3 days a week school drop offs. Home grabs his lunch which I make when he's doing drop off. Leaves. If I drop off he makes lunch.

When home if ever before 8pm he puts youngest to bed. If after eldest to bed

If he's home early if a job is done or cancelled he baths the kids.

I do all the cooking as honestly he's shite at it. Plus I tend to do it for when he gets in he usually let's me know when he's leaving wherever and rough eta

Weekends we both muddle in. Get done whatever needed. He will take kids out if I need to get on with anything. Or we all go together.

It’s is all pretty basic isn’t it, even when working. So the OP’s husband should manage a few of those tasks without being told to, since it’s so very basic to get on with without even thinking about it 🤷‍♀️.

Yes that list made the OP come across really badly. Although I understand it must be hard with a 9 month old.
Itemising every single thing she does with the kids, and putting his as 'work'.
Her day could just as easily been squeezed into 'childcare and housework'.

Also, complaining that her husband has a Costa on the way to work.... Well what's stopping her from picking up a coffee after drop offs or whatever herself??? There must be some shops around. I doubt that a pilot's family live 'really rurally' as loads of MN seem to , lol.

He does do some of those things though. OP listed them earlier.

Maybe OP could take on a PT job to relieve some of her DP’s financial burden too.

Child minded...so they went home at night. It is different with 3. I had 2 under 2.one of them autistic. Its much harder having to take a baby around for school runs and meet all their needs around that. Have you ever tried making dinner, doing homework for two kids, breastfeeding a baby and ensuring they get an afternoon nap, housework etc all at exactly the same time on very little sleep?

I can honestly say none of my colleagues nor my students have ever taken their nappies and missed their potty, while I've made a drink; tried to eat something non-edible while I've used the loo; fallen over, while I've tried to make my lunch; made a beeline for the main road while I've taken the rubbish out. Most of them even have more than a 2 minute attention span. When my son was a toddler he tried them all. I love my kid more than anything else in the world, but when he was younger I worked 10 times harder at home and that was on a good day. Oh and I have these things called lunch breaks at work, when no-one asks me anything unless something untoward is happening, my toddler never got that concept....

Your current situation sounds very similar to ours. Me being a sahm gave dh the opportunity to set up his own business, and it's still going strong. I do my bit, as you do, but dh is still the main breadwinner and I'm OK with that. We work as a team! I did go back to a regular job for a while when things settled down for dh, but the cost of childcare was crazy. Now we both work at the business he created, but I'm flexible and it works beautifully. I'd be quite happy if dh never cooks again to be honest after sampling his culinary delights 😂

But they are not talking about an autistic child in this post. How is putting dinner out for 2 any different than putting dinner out for one. Come on you're clutching at straws here with this poster.

But one parent is working full time to provide a sole income to support the family. As part of that arrangement I would expect the SAHP to manage all things related to the home and family. I wouldn't expect the working parent to have to come home from a 12 hour shift and take the kids out for new shoes just as I wouldn't expect the SAHP to come into the work place and knock out a few emails.

It’s not just about the working days. The op said he does some bits with the kids on his days off and no housework at all. He’s not working 12 hours a day every day, it’s the days off where he should be pulling equal weight in all areas of home life.

Well if it should be equal on his days off I guess he can drop the time he currently spends with the kids (85/15 as OP said herself) and only does it 50/50 with the OP and then cleans the bathroom while she juggles all three kids for longer.
I’m sure the new set up will work out swimmingly for her.