If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

Free rent? Are you serious? For a home/mortgage that she probably contributed to prior to kids. Clothes, holidays from a bank account that a prior salary went into. I actually am astounded that you are seeing this on such a transactional basis. I despair.

Once again, empty the dishwasher. Put on a wash. Clean the bathroom. Because it’s your house too, and your partner is more than a paid housekeeper.

None.

you are a sahm clues in the name - you will do the bulk. My husband also worked long / odd hours and it was tough in the early days.

I am a massively believer in equal parenting. But you haven’t worked for nine years and he’s got the burden of solely providing for his family.
It also changes the equation that he’s a pilot. Which means his 8 hours of work is different to mine as an academic. It means that when he’s at work he’s concentrating to a degree that most of us don’t have to. I am sure he gets compensated well for it but it also adds to the stress.
Effectivey between 9-3 you have one baby and then you have two older children who need some supervision but for instance can bathe themselves, serve themselves drinks.

I am also surprised by the he’s not engaging them comment- it sounds like he is, when he can.

Nope. He does 100% of his job during the day. I do 100% of mine which is childcare and tidying up after them. Other than that no, I am not a maid.

When he is home we both share the load of childcare and running a household equally.

If I was your husband I would expect more time off to be honest, however it depends on how much eh enjoys being with the kids

Having one dog ( harder work than children in my book) with 3 children and a home to run is enough to make me run for the hills,never mind 'dogs' It's no wonder you appear stressed OP but to be fair you make your choices in life and live with them.

He's doing more than enough. I think your expectation for him to 'throw a load on' when going out the door is unreasonable, but you could ask him to do so. The fact he takes all 3 out when not working is great - do you do the same for him so he also has some downtime?

That is just laziness and slobbishness - no excuse for any adult not to clear away their own plates and start a dishwasher. Similarly whichever parent does most at home as a rule, both parents should be competent to run the household when needed. No parent should need instruction books on how to operate routine home machinery or care for their own children.

Rather than talk in terms of how much the WOHP should do at home, think instead of how much leisure time you each have. If you both get a few hours work/housework/childfree each week then you probably have a sensible balance. If only one of you is getting much leisure time the balance is wrong and some tasks need sharing differently.

Why are people talking about "if he was single"?

He isn't single, he has 3 children and he and the OP have a joint responsibility to provide for those children, parent them, care for them and run a home for them.

Therefore it doesn't matter what he would or would not be doing if he was single and didn't have a family.

Honestly, not much, but I do empathise. For him once he leaves work it's his free time. Whereas for you it's never ending, and taking care of 3 young children and dog is no joke!

I don't view running a dishwasher or emptying the bins as too much to expect of him. Sure you could do it by yourself and it's hardly the end of the world if he doesn't do it, but it's a nice thing to do and shows that he spared a moment to think about how he could help you. These are all little things that show he cares.

But when he leaves work and comes home he does childcare. Which pp have said is equivalent to him working. So his time outside work isn’t all leisure!

Why have more kids if you are struggling already?

Free rent? Are you serious? For a home/mortgage that she probably contributed to prior to kids. Clothes, holidays from a bank account that a prior salary went into.

Fair enough, she may have contributed to downpayment on house. But she hasn't contributed a salary in 9 years, so clothes, food, holidays, heating, internet, phone, etc. are all fully funded by him.

Exactly. Why is it work when OP does it and fun down time when he does it?

Yes you do, you pay someone to look after your children for you!

I think the issue is the OP has said he does 85% of the childcare when he's not working. So unless the kids are very easy, they are surely at least 50:50 when he isn't working. And if they're very easy, then she has plenty of time to do the vast majority of the household work whilst her DH is working, and why does DH need to put on a load of laundry.

If when he was off work he went to the gym for 3 hours a day leaving her with the kids and all the household work, then of course it wouldn't be fair. But on the information the OP has herself provided, it seems she has a pretty good deal. They have three kids, and one is under a year - no one's spending their spare time at the spa!

You want to be a sahm but are complaining about being a sahm. You gave a list of what you have to do on a day, thats all normal sahm jobs.

You want to swap lives with him,but not work and continue being a sahm?

I dont think you can be pleased. Yes he does much less than you at home but he flies planes for a living.

I was a SAHM for a number of years and now work part time. My husband travels and also has a very time consuming hobby. I get where you are coming from. It means a lot just to take a full laundry basket upstairs or put a cup in the dishwasher. I am guessing you don't expect your husband to do a massive amount, just do things that mean you don't feel like the help.

Id expect very little.

Im a SAHM, my husband works very hard lo g hours in a decently paid job.

My lifestyle facilitates his, and vice versa.

All I expect is that he brings mugs downstairs and puts his clothes in the washing machine 😂

Any time he isn't working I'd be expecting him to do 50 50. In reality that probably means you each get a bit of time off rather than slogging through together.

Otherwise when are you getting a break? iaccording to your post "when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare". When is he doing 85%?

He couldn't work those hours if he paid a nursery. SAHM means you are flexible childcare while he is working

I'm a stay at home parent and don't do housework when my partner is at work except to tidy up any mess that occurs throughout the day. I'm working the same hours as he is so we can both share the exact same amount of the load when we are both home.

If you're not doing any housework but not working either, how exactly are you 'working the same hours'?

There truly are some lazy people out there..

Go back to work. It's obvious that you resent being at home. It looks to me that you have about equal free time so I don't see the problem. And--being a pilot is very responsible stressful work that you dismissed with one word. That's not fair to him.

The parent part?

I think your DH does enough in the house especially when you have 2 at school
and 1 baby that naps! I also wouldn’t want a tired pilot taking me anywhere!!

I think a conversation that says put your bowl in the dishwasher when you have finished is entirely reasonable- but I think you are unreasonable in your expectations.