If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

I guess when one person stays at home, the working person is paying for them to do this, and part of that package is the housework.

To be financially supported as a SAHP means to be paid for, essentially. Free rent and board, holidays, clothes, etc. the return for that is doing the housework, no?

Surprised he has the energy to get her pregnant.

OP I was initially slightly on your side, but you've gotten ridiculous now. You are clearly seriously resenting him. Honestly I think it's because your life was pretty easy when you were a SAHM with two kids at school all day and so you didn't mind this stuff, but now you have the baby you're having to do more and so it's irritating you.

Of course he shouldn't be leaving his cereal bowl on the coffee table and expecting you to clean up after him (or whatever). That's not ok even if you're a stay at home partner with just a doodle. It doesn't seem that you've actually mentioned it to him though, so whilst in theory he should know this is ridiculous, you silently seething about it and not telling him is completely on you.

Also, I know everyone says 'but he should spend time with the kids on his time off' but I think it's completely fair for you to say 'I'll take the kids out for two hours and be the fun parent, you clean the bathroom'. Again though, you need to have this discussion. What you can't say is that managing the three kids for 85% of the time he's home is not doing much, if you want to claim that you are massively overworked when he's not around - either it's easy to amuse them and you're just picking up some housework around the edges, or it's hard work!

I don't think you have it hard though - a 9 month old isn't massive work, and your other two should be very little work and at school all day. I'm not saying you have it easy, but seriously your list of how hard your day is is pretty laughable. These are not hard things - boring and monotonous yes, but hard no. You actively choose this life by choosing to leave work when your first was born and you have admitted that is what you always wanted. This isn't a case where you've been forced to be a SAHM because you couldn't afford childcare. There's been no suggestion that your DH has ever stopped you going back to work. If you don't want to be a SAHM anymore, then work on how you change that - it's not your DH's fault that you haven't worked in 8 years and can't jump back into your old high flying job! Then you can start to talk about it needing to be 50:50%.

Your attitude to your DH's contribution to your family is pretty poor. I don't think pilots are some special beings, but he is short haul so the job is pretty intense. (We're not talking long haul and rest days in 4* hotels with no family commitments!) and you're complaining that he doesn't put a load of the kids' laundry when he has 9 hours at home including sleep before his next shift. You need to remember that this is the life you wanted. If you don't want it any more, of course that's fine. But then you need to change it. If you want to stay as a SAHM then you will be doing the vast majority of the housework, because that's the job (except for the period where there are tiny kids in play/3 under three etc - different ball game). Talk to him about some of the things that are upsetting you like cereal bowl and him being the 'fun parent', but if you don't decide to either accept that (overall) this is what a SAHM does, or decide to go back to work, but instead just continue to be pissed off about it all, then you're heading for divorce. And I promise you it will be harder as a single mum.

He manages just fine thanks 😂

Yeah right.

Not planned by her husband, at least.

Exactly.

This. If he was a single man he wouldn't be covering her living costs.

Not suggesting that relationships should be as mercurial as that, but you can't say 'if he was a single man he'd still have to be doing the housework' and ignore the fact that he'd also (for example) own 100% of the equity in the house he's paying the mortgage on not sharing it with her, not be paying for her food/car etc.

But the invisible burden on the working parent is the pressure and stress of being the sole breadwinner. That should not be underestimated.

I wonder if this really is about laundry? Are you happy in your relationship generally. You sound as if you feel a bit taken for granted. Do you get a chance to get out of the house for hobbies etc?

lol

The most important thing is that he engages with the kids when he has time off; does stuff with them without you on a regular basis ( which it sounds like he is doing anyway). I was a SAHM (3 kids, 2 extra needs) and I did all the housework and house stuff. My stbxdh neglected to give any time to the kids though and now they are late teens and can't be arsed to do anything with him. They feel like he neglected them, it's a very upsetting situation for them. They have to come first.

And not to mention the older kids can pitch in too, they can load dishwasher and run around with the hand vac, make their beds etc. my children did and do from about 7/8 yrs.

Honestly I was a SATP for a few years when my three were little. I found it tedious at times (but each to their own), it can be quite exhausting sometimes but I honestly don’t understand why people think it’s so hard. It’s really not that difficult esp if your used to having a fast paced full time job.

going to toddler groups, walks round the park, activities at home, lunch, picnics and play dates (then doing some housework/washing/ironing. Sometimes boring but not hard work!

if you don’t wash his clothes then why should he do yours. it’s just being petty.

Pardon? If she were also single with no kids you mean? Well, yeah? She probably did have paid work then.

But if he was single with no kids then nobody would be in the house all day making mess and he would only have his own things to do/look after.

he is spending quality time with the kids on his days off (most important). Which if he was single/no kids could be used for washing/cleaning time etc.

he does launder his own clothes and cooks meals for the family.

also if he was a single man 100% of his earnings would be for himself (he could hire a cleaner etc if he pleased) which at present they are not as he is working o support his family.

i appreciate it’s not that difficult popping things you use into the dishwasher. But as splitting time in a partnership goes this one seems pretty ok to me.

It was a joke. I do think you should do more but obviously he should help a bit. Otherwise if I was the one working I would be pissed off. I always make sure the washing up is done, the washing sorted and a hoover and tidy done. I just do it in a nap time. He cooks dinner and puts one kid to bed. It is a bit lazy to not do much.

So if you're too tired, maybe the laundry won't get done. If he's too tired, hundreds of people could die a terrifying death. A pilot working long hours isn't someone I feel safe about overworking.

i don’t see it as dh solely putting a roof over our heads. We both are. I support our family and that it enables him to work.

A SAHP doesn't "enable" someone to work. The vast majority of us are in households with 2 parents working. We need no-one to "enable" us.

I was an executive myself before children. I’m not a free loader.

But you haven't been working in a decade...

My DH works full time in a busy job (not shift work though) and I’m a SAHM to 3 children (6, 2 and baby). I do almost everything related to the home & kids - all the washing, cooking, cleaning, drop offs & pick ups, appointments, activities, booking holidays etc. We don’t have any paid or family support. Oldest child is in school, middle one 3 mornings at nursery.

If he gets home before the kids go to bed, he picks up wherever we are - bath time, bed time stories etc. When the kids are in bed if there is anything that I haven’t managed to get done in the day - unloading dishwasher, tidying up etc. we do that together although I try to have things organised before bath time. We eat after kids are in bed and I normally cook or reheat something I’ve made earlier and he cleans up. Weekends we don’t need any housework, I do most of the cooking and still keep the washing turning over etc - I’m not sure why but I don’t really resent this!

We try to work as a team who make different but equally important contributions to our family. If one of us needs a break sometimes the other has to give more for a bit.

Very little

I don't think it's lazy. As I said previously, I tidy and clean up all the mess we make during the day. He isn't coming home to a filthy, messy house by any means. Also, it's very different when it's just one child versus 3 at preschool age. Perhaps when I'm not pregnant I'll have more energy and inclination to do bigger tasks. Who knows.

When my son was a child, my typical day:-

• wake up son
• cook breakfast
• school drop off
• drive to work
• work 7 hours
• pick son from grandparents
• come home
• tidy up house if needed
• do house admin, laundry
• check work emails
• put on dinner
• help with homework
• feed family
• baths
• kitchen tidy up
• sort out uniforms if needed
• check work emails
• bed

It doesn’t have to be so binary, OP. People can work and still be there for their children.

So you would expect him to do 100% of his job, obviously. Plus he should do 50% of what is effectively your job, seeing as you're not working. How is that fair?