If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

It is entirely pointless and fruitless to word this the way you have OP, people do everything you do AND work part/full time too, you actually have the privilege of not having to work or worry about money and you are able to be there for your children in a way your parents never were for you, comparing yourself to your husband who works is pointless, they are not the same thing and never will be.

The bottom line is you don't feel valued at home, and that isn't a problem for mumsnet to solve for you, you don't need ammunition to throw at your husband, you need to have a sit down and tell him how you're feeling like a normal human being, without accusations, or this weird pissing contest you seem to be running on here about 'who does more', you're not a robot, you are allowed to feel taken for granted when he leaves his stuff on the side and expects you to put it away for him.. but don't blur the lines with other chores like laundry which to be honest most people would expect you to take care of as part of your daily chores routine.

I would expect roughly equal amounts of sleep - so if he's home at 8pm and you've been up with the baby in the night then he could get up with the kids/do the school run etc to give you an extra couple if hours. But on nights where he's in at 3 and out at 12 I would expect very little.

Agree with others re getting a cleaner

There's a 9 month old.

Not necessarily.

The OP could choose to be an EOW parent and pay maintenance to him.

I have two autistic kids and never stop advocating for them so, the stress I am under is a lot but if you have NT kids I imagine life is easier because you don’t have your kids breaking down in tears night after night, literally for over a decade nor and try and counsel them to stay on track and not give up , as well as having to be in touch with school constantly to stop the bullying and ask for adjustments. It must be nice not to have to do all that. The sleepless nights of worry endless worry don’t help either. Thats why I don’t work. I had to give up work to look after them. I might just manage to raise two independent mentally healthy kids, if I’m lucky but I can’t say what it’s cost me health wise to go through this.

I wouldn’t expect him to do anything really, maybe watch the baby while I had a shower

I think you should put your youngest in nursery and go back to work. It might be your dream but you obviously aren't enjoying it.

But is the husband really going to step up and do 50/50 if the OP goes back to work?

No, she couldn't. If he didn't want to be the resident parent there is no mechanism on earth that could force him.

Is your husband amenable to feedback? I've noticed with my bf that if I ask him to do something, or say how I like things to be done (for example, "bf I've noticed I am cleaning the bathroom more than you and I don't really enjoy it, please can you clean the bathroom once a week?" or "bf it's not good to leave tea towels on the counter all crumpled up, please can you hang them up each time?" I've noticed that he will generally start doing these things, even if it's a habit from his previous single life he will generally make changes if asked. The key thing is that I ask him though.

Have you ever said "husband, I feel like your maid when you are leaving your cereal bowls in the sink. I'm sure it's just a habit, but could you please take a minute to put it in the dishwasher rather than leave it for me to clean up?" And then wait and see what happens.

None I had a similar situation and I did everything.Worked for us he paid all the bills and I looked after home. Probably get flamed but I have an amazing lifestyle he would have paid for a nanny but I didn't want one. We only have an amazing lifestyle because he worked insanely hard and long hours, if I had expected him to then do stuff at home on top he would have not been able to perform at work.

I would say that during the week Little/no help. Weekend 50/50.
It’s odd you’d rather swap, most would love to give up work. Can you get a job and put children into nursery if you need some time away from them? I wouldn’t say working was the easier option, esp as a pilot..

Go back to work part-time and stop being resentful of your husband. And get a cleaner.

You spent your life dreaming of doing something you don’t even enjoy doing now you’ve got it. It’s making you unhappy. It’s making you hate your husband. It isn’t beneficial at all to the two kids who are at school, however much you convince yourself that it is.

You can fix your situation, but not by blaming your husband.

I think measuring how much down time you each get is a better measure than measuring how much you each do. If he's lounging around for hours or going off golfing during his time off while you're running around like a headless chicken then it's unfair, and vice versa if you're having spa days or whatnot while he's not.

When my DH was out of the house 7am-8pm, while I was on mat leave with a newborn plus toddler, I did everything I could during the day (laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.) (which wasn't everything, because there simply wasn't the time in the day after dealing with the little ones) and then he pitched in 50:50 with bedtimes, clearing up dinner stuff etc. when he was home. He often expressed that he felt bad about not doing "his fair share around the house" but I was like "mate, literally when would you have time to do any more than you're already doing? Don't be daft".

That’s exactly it; you can’t expect to have it all without sacrifices!

No it isn't. There are plenty of opportunities for tea breaks and I have a fairly energetic two year old!

I would t expect much at all.

I don’t think he could. And it needs to be realistic. If he was a nurse/police officer/other shift worker it wouldn’t work either. There aren’t enough hours in the day.

You are delusional. You really are.

His •work could be broken into a hundred tasks.

I mean wake up kids and make breakfast?? To a normal person this wouldn’t even be seen as a task. It’s something you just do. You are a SAHM ffs. Get a job if you don’t like it. If you can get one after not having worked for a decade that is. If you can’t get a job then at least get a grip and appreciate that he works so you don’t have to.

A lot of the tasks on that list will be irrelevant as the kids get older. Mine make their own breakfast/do homework etc etc now they are school age

Likewise her.

It would be a "who jumps ship" first scenario.

Just like no one could force him to parent, no one could force the OP to parent either.

For example, one parent could just say to the other parent "actually I'm working next week so I won't be picking up the kids". Then the other parent would have to cancel their own work or make childcare arrangements.

It's true that women are usually the ones who take responsibility and who are "default" for the kids but there's no law requiring them to do this.

That’s a bit unfair…. I’m sure DH could expand on “work” the same way you have filled in your SAHM activities

If it helps you to pretend the OP enables her husband's career, you go on and tell yourself that. In reality we all know which of them would come off far worse in a split.

Once again, delusional.

I mean yeah now it's just me and my toddler (for the next few weeks until baby comes) it is MUCH easier than it was when I had all 3 of them and next to no time to be doing anything else except childcare when I was home alone with them because they didn't go to nursery after we moved house earlier this year. There was really no time for housework except cleaning and tidying after them! But the older 2 have only been in school for a few weeks and I've spent that time basically enjoying time with our toddler and preparing for the new baby. I could do more now yes but tbh I'm sore and tired with chronic back issues and a heart condition. I expect what I do during the day will change when they're all in childcare/school.