If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

Believe what exactly? That I would be fine financially? Because I think I'm in a much better place to decide that than someone on the Internet who knows nothing of my financial situation.

As for doing plenty in the house. That also is true. Again, evidenced by factors seen by the people who are actually part of our household. And he won't be changing his mind and leaving me because I don't clean toilets while he isn't home 😂

I’d expect 50/50 when he’s home, so parenting children while you do anything you need to do, loading dishwasher before leaving for work while you take the kids to something. Basically, no one sits on their bum just because they’re home, if there are things that need doing.

I worked long hours 6am to 8pm 3 days a week (wfh the other days). I still did bedtime when I got home. I did the food shopping. I tidied the kitchen after work and after breakfast. I still did a lot of the night wakings. Basically, if I was home, I was doing exactly what dh might be doing.

I think the only difference here is that your dh will be needing to sleep outside of normal sleeping hours, so will need to be given time and quiet to do that.

Exactly. It's absolute nonsense that the OP "enables" him to work because if they split up, there's no way he'd have to quit his job. Life would continue much the same for him, seeing the children on his days off and spending a proportion of his income on her and the children.

Whereas the OP would do everything she does now plus either the stress of living on benefits and maintenance or plus having a job.

Majority of families in the UK are fully functioning without having a sahp, if he decides not to work anymore tomorrow and you stay in your current role, you won’t have your house anymore. Bluntly put, your DH is solely responsible for putting a roof over your head, food and providing everything financially. You can’t be a SAHM unless he’s doing his own part. You have to do your own role too.
He shouldn’t be a slob and be leaving dishes in the sink however you can’t expect him to be doing your role and his on his working days, only his days off.
You both need equal down time, not just you

I literally said that I get the OP might pick up some of it. ALL of it is disrespectful. Empty the dishwasher! Put a wash on. Feed the dog. Clean the bathroom. Put your cereal bowl away. Wipe a bench. It’s not hard. Unless you’re lazy and treat your wife as a skivvy.

I was intermittently a SAHM. My DH worked long hours. In between I did unsocial hours some weekends so at least one of us was around. Dh would work for around 10 hours a day, off at weekends. When I worked he did everything. I did everything on his working days,including making sure he had a good meal waiting for his return. It was a 50/50 share of house and children on the weekends/ days we were both off and on holidays. It was basically whoever wasn't out at work would do everything then share the load when both off at the same time.

I agree with this. There are many surgeons, doctors, paramedics, nurses, carers, lorry drivers, heavy machine operators etc. who do very important work where they literally have people's lives in their hands who manage to be active parents and do their part in running a home.

The split should be different because the OP is not presently working, but both of them should see the children/home as their responsibility. If they don't, they're not modelling a respectful and committed family life to their children. Children should be cared for by both parents and see chores done by both parents.

See what you’ve done here is conveniently lump the bulk of his daily load into “work”. Try breaking that down and see how flying a plane compares to scrambling eggs.

That is very hard IMO.
It changes everything for you.
He should absolutely be helping more.

Sounds like you need a job.

This massive oversimplification of his day and we can do the same to you:

• wake up
• spend some time with children
• walk the dog
• tidy up while listening to a podcast
• go to bed

See.. it's easily done.
What you failed to account for is what his work entails and just itemised it as "work". I am sure there is more involved in that than scrolling trough social media and sipping cocktails while the plane is on auto-pilot.
You also failed to mention that he needs to wash and iron his own uniform.

I once helped my partner out at work for a day. I got a whole new appreciation for why he collapses in a heap at the end of the working week. And although my work is busy and stressful, it is nothing compared to his.
I think there is a wider issue of your life being centered around the house and you resent him for having somewhere to go. Maybe it is time to think about returning to work for you.

I would expect him to put his cereal bowl to the sink, you're not his servant!

Also: “house admin”.

What is that?

Exactly this .

Scrolling Mumsnet and shopping on Amazon.

So true & people comparing flying a plane to other admittely hard but less stressful & demanding jobs are not seeing the bigger picture ,obviously with the exception of Doctors, surgeons & Nurses.

It's all the stuff that's done online nowadays and takes little to zero effort.

He wouldn’t be keeping four other people so he’d probably have a cleaner and send his laundry out. I know I would if I was single and earning good money, in fact I did have a cleaner when I was single.

You are ridiculous.

Not only does.....

Your DH is a pilot, he has the stress and lives of hundreds of people on his mind/his responsibility every single working day.

He also has sole responsibility of financially supporting your whole family.

I could kind of understand if you had new born and toddlers but you have older children who don't need 24hr constant newborn supervision.

If you resent your dh and life that much go and get a job and put your one child in nursery.

And op would have to find paid work

That won't happen. Sounds like she is enjoying being a kept woman for the best part of a decade, yet still complains about it!

I think the trouble is when you have two working parent's a task like throwing some clothes in the wash is barely enough of a task to even really notice. It just gets done.

I think you are maybe strung out from the school holidays. We all are, give yourself a break and relax your standards for a couple of weeks and I'm sure that will help.

Sometimes as well we all have routines and plans on our heads which we feel the others around us should just know but they don't. He maybe more in his own head at the moment with his workload too. Give each other a little bit grace.

All the time he was in the house I would expect him to be doing 50/50 until the kids are all sorted and in bed.

I don't think it's fair to compare the OP's workload to her DH's tbh. When you're at home amongst the chaos of a young baby, not sleeping well at night, two other children needing attention and emotional involvement, it can be tough to achieve anything at all. If the baby's not napping or naps at the wrong time, then doing the school run can be a right hassle and then you've got a fractious baby for the rest of the day while trying to do homework, dinner and spend some time with the older kids.

And I can imagine that doing bedtime on your own for three kids of those ages is draining. I have two (toddler plus school age), and that's draining enough - I'm shattered after finally getting them to sleep.

It might not be hard but it is very, very constant. The noise gets inside your head and makes it hard to concentrate or plan properly. The tiredness is a complete killer. And then mess, mess, mess all around you. It's like groundhog Day. And no external recognition or validation of what you do.

That's not to say that working isn't hard (and sometimes harder) but it depends on the job. If you're working with adults in a reasonably calm and ordered environment where there are clear tasks and procedures, then sometimes it can be a bit of a break from the home chaos. I have to say that I do find my working days a bit easier than days where I have either one or both kids for the whole day.

none.