If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

I was fortunate enough to be able to choose to be a SAHM.

DH took on the pressure of being the single breadwinner. And it is a pressure.

I do feel you’ve been very reductive to reduce his job to a single line. You could just as easily argue that your ‘job’ looking after the children and house needs only one line.

However, I do know how much DH appreciated my ‘job’. Not that it’s been easy sailing. He would be annoyed and frustrated by what he saw as the ‘state of the house’ when I’d been ‘home’ all day (when we all know it’s not that simple, as does he most of the time) as I would by his blindness to household tasks.

That said, not putting stuff in the dishwasher is a reasonable grievance! Not putting a wash on, for me, less so because I’ve usually got a plan in my head.

Sounds like it might be worth having a conversation to air your feelings (not a list of what he does ‘wrong’) to avoid resentment building up. Work out between you what leaves each other feeling valued (saying thank you, for example, even for the mundane tasks) and appreciated.

I wouldn’t expect him to do any of the housework but that doesn’t mean I’d accept him being lazy and just dumping his used bowl in the sink either. Regardless of whose job it is to maintain the home he doesn’t get to add to the workload unnecessarily

Ok. Here I go again….

If he were single with no kids, he’d have to cook and clean and wash his own sheets. He’d have to shop. He’d have to pay bills, pair his socks, clean his toilet, sweep the floor, etc etc etc.

Why, just because he is married, should he do much LESS than what he would do without you and the kids? I get that you might pick up some of it, but ALL of it? No. A thousand times no.

Airlines build in sufficient rest time. Chucking a load on or sorting your cereal bowl, or cleaning your own skid marks is not going to make a pilot unsafe.

@Demonhunter

she was replying to someone else. I can't remember what was said now, but they were saying something about him being dangerously sleep deprived.

This is what I was thinking about the earlier poster who says she does absolutely nothing around the house all day, and she's pregnant with her fourth.

She's not even married, so she'd be absolutely fucked if her partner wised up.

Why have you broken your day down into lots of little tasks, yet for your DH you have simply put "work"?

I'm sorry but this means nothing without any timings / details of his job.

You certainly wouldn't be happy if he'd posted on here with a super detailed list of all his tasks and responsibilities throughout the day while he's at work and then just listed yours as:

• wake up and get ready
• look after children / tasks at home
• eat
• sleep

Nap twice per day for around two hours? You know how they say lord give me the confidence of a mediocre man, on Mumsnet I that might be give me the all knowing superiority of a mum that’s had a good baby, or a terrible baby that still sleeps at night and naps twice a day for 2 hours.

op, I would swallow your resentment for a while and ask. When he goes to take the dc to the park, say no thanks, I’ll take them, the dc are ok what is relentless and really gets me down is housework. Could you please load and put on dishwasher, wipe benches, sweep, put a load of washing on and sort the mail? Thanks! See how taking the ask approach gets you before letting the resentment erupt.

A single pilot living alone is highly likely to eat out or get takeaways, maybe have a cleaner and (shock horror) leave their cereal bowl in the sink when they go out to work. They won’t keep pets and their home will not get untidy while they’re away.
It is definitely not the same as doing 50% in a household of five.

Assuming you're referring to me, I would not be "absolutely fucked" if our relationship ended. I would be perfectly fine financially without his input. We are actually getting married next year though 👍🏻

Oh and I don't do "nothing around the house" either. I do plenty. Far more than he does at his super important out of the house job actually.

When I stayed at home with kids, I did everything and the majority of the childcare because husband worked nights and early shifts.

Weekends or days off, he would unload dishwasher, get washing off line or whatever, but I definitely saw it as him helping me. Very different when I went back to work.

Not this old chestnut again. Most people work and raise a family/manage a household. OP hasn't been in work for a very long time. The older ones are in school and she must have been a sahm for a few years when the older ones were in school and before the baby came along - endless hours of free time each day. I am not saying being a sahm is easy but it is laughable to suggest it carries the same stress as 'work'. It just doesn't.

Loving the idea of the magic 9 month old that does 2 x 2 hour solid naps 😂.

Sadly neither of mine ever got the memo.

When they turn 18 then he can have a break.

Yes if he was single he would do everything in the house. Once married he would do half and would also do half the funding of the household.

they agreed to have one parent stay at home - if they still halve the housework/admin plus mental load of kids then he is doing more than half overall

for sure he shouldn’t be adding to the mess and I would take issue with that but I wouldn’t expect him to be doing half of all household chores

OP - you’ve listed out your days (unfairly as others have said) but why not list out how you expected days to be? Work out where you are both getting downtime and when you need it

he clearly needs to have downtime that works around his work so that he can do it properly and safely whereas you have more flexibility so plan that in too

and then discuss with him. Resentment is a relationship killer

It wasn't anything about sleep deprivation, the response can be found with attached quote. The person was repeating back exactly the information OP had given, sleep deprivation wasn't mentioned.

9 month old was not planned

In that case are you more resentful that the much easier sahm job with school aged children has been disrupted and your life has changed because of the unplanned baby but his hasn’t?

I “track” dh’s sleep to make sure he gets his eight hours. So if he’s had a late one I’ll make sure to keep kids quiet and walk dogs.

Once your 9 month old is school age you'll be back to it feeling more chilled.

Were you happy with the set up before you had the baby? Were you managing the housework without resentment while the other two were at school?

What do you do with your free time for the 85% of the time he is taking the kids off your hands.
Are you using it to do housework or time to yourself?
Does he get time to himself?
Leaving pots on the side is annoying but is it a one off (I think you said "he did the other day") or all the time? Some posters are assuming he never puts pots in the dishwasher but I don't think you've said.

@nextdoornightmares I'm glad you believe that.

I just hope he continues to.

I would expect him to be able to empty the dishwasher, definitely clean up after himself if he makes any food- although I'd probably make some for him and leave it ready.

Minimal but he could easily do half an hour in the morning to lighten the loaf especially as you still have a baby around.

I'm with the kids all day, mine are smaller but mine also does the majority when he's off. I'm also doing stuff then but more the house things/ cooking/ life admin. But I definitely need the break from little people being on top of my whereas he's missed them so enjoys it.

Hilarious 😒 he's working around the clock too. He shouldn't be doing all the childcare on his days off and op shouldn't be doing all the housework.