If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

I don't think your dh should prioritise laundry or dishes when he's home so little, he should prioritise seeing the children - getting up to see them before school and having a conversation or at least giving them a hug and a kiss as they leave.
That doesn't mean not picking up after himself, but in terms of running the household, putting on a laundry load or whatever, no, I think that's the person in the house's job. I appreciate it must be exhausting for you - does he earn enough that you can get some help? a cleaner once a week or even fortnight really helps.

Presumably before the baby being SAHP to two school age DC was not exactly taxing though.

@Fluufer

leaving his dishes for her to put in the dishwasher, is just one example but demonstrates his thinking, his sense of entitlement 'wifeV1' will take care of that

it's entitled, it's knobbish & it certainly won't be a one off!

Why did you have another baby when your kids were starting to grow up a bit? Why?

This is what I don't get about women.One child fine.Two. okish.3 or more no.

@WhateverMate

gor the baby yes, but why should she be picking up after him & why is he only
Cooking 1 night a week. He will be home many more nights a week.

It might be a pattern. Or it might be a one off and she's really just tired of loading the dishwasher. I leave my dishes in the sink sometimes and DH will put it in the dishwasher for me, it's not really an issue in itself.
He cooks, he does his own laundry, he takes the kids out, buys them things, entertains them, food shops, walks the dogs, does school runs and works long awkward hours. That doesn't sound like a knob to me...

As someone who works those kind of hours in a mentally demanding job I’d say your expectations on the days he’s working should be minimal, it’s absolutely exhausting having a different sleep pattern to normal, when I work those shifts I try to make sure it’s on a weekend so my husband is off to sort the kids and I pretty much go to work and sleep, I try to get up and sorted an hour early so I can play with the kids but don’t always manage it. Admittedly on my days off I have to play catch up on all the things that didn’t get done whilst I was working but then my husband also works full time and often away from home so isn’t able to spend loads of time doing jobs and looking after our 2 young kids either.

@vivainsomnia I haven’t itemised my work and my husband isn’t a pilot but thanks for this…! 🤣🙈

'Justification' to stay at home maybe?

My friend's daughter's just had a 4th and gave that very reason.

Assuming he didn't suddenly change the minute the baby hit the mattress, it beggers belief the OP chose a 3rd baby at all if she's so unhappy with the workload?

It's really nothing to do with swooning, it's the fact I don't want an exhausted and not well rested pilot flying any plane I'm on 😱 whether it's a man or woman, I'd say the same.

I agree.

Most of housework and cooking etc can be done whilst he’s at work.

When he’s home it should be 50/50 (but there shouldn’t be much cooking and cleaning to do anyway apart from on his days off).

I am the breadwinner in the family. I sometimes work such hours. I do not allow household members even to approach me on arrival, I have a shower and fall into bed. On arrival I don't care what problems they have at school, etc. But I am lucky, they have shame. When I have several days off, I am so thrilled to be with dc, I let my husband go fishing with a tent overnight (several nights). Then I would do everything and enjoy it.

@Barbrawintergreen

i really don't think she is, just doing bits as he sees they need doing, like shoving a load in the washing machine (that's sitting next to the machine) when he takes his uniform out.

shes not expecting to do a full clean of the bathroom (maybe just wipe the sink around if it's got toothpaste in it)

No more than he already does.

OP do you have a plan B if the marriage were to fail? SAHP is often a very high risk strategy for a woman.

Apart from anything else, if your DH is a pilot I imagine he constantly has women throwing themselves at him so always sensible to have a Plan B. Get your ducks in a row.

It was probably a "whoops" baby.

looking after 3 kids is tough, tougher than many jobs
This is what I don't get about women. One child fine. Two. okish. 3 or more no.

I agree, which is why I don't have three children.

Minimal.

OP, I work a 46 hour week (40 of them are WFH in my home office). But I just wanted to compare my typical day to yours. Crossed if I don't do, ticked if I do, and orange circle if in addition to your list:

my typical day:

• wake up with baby - feed, dress❌️
• cook breakfast - normally eggs❌️
• wake up older kids✅️
• school drop off✅️
• dog walk✅️
• tidy up house✅️
• take baby to play group❌️
• Come home - normally do house admin, laundry❌️
• load up baby and dogs for school pick up✅️
• come home✅️
• afternoon club twice a week❌️
• put on dinner✅️
• help with homework✅️
• feed kids✅️
• baths✅️
• kitchen tidy up✅️
• sort out uniforms if needed✅️
• bed✅️
• Work 9.5 hour shift around school drop offs/pick ups🟠

My DH does the laundry and works full time out of the house.

My life doesn't feel chaotic, it's all organised and feels OK. The things off your list that I don't do, and the thing on my list that you don't do I'd say cancel each other out.

Could it be that you could look at how to organise/prep things better? (I'm not being rude, genuinely trying to offer advice).

Not much.... maybe help with the kids in the morning or empty dishwasher or something

It's a huge stretch to say that OP is working "just as hard". Come on.

I've already posted a couple of times. On reflection I should have added if DH has a few days or a week or so between shifts I believe the workload should be 50/50. While he is on consecutive shifts as a pilot with unsocial hours and people's lives in his hands, a SAHM should take care of everything, full stop.

@Demonhunter

she wants him to clean up after himself (put his cereal bowl in the dishwasher, not leave it in the sink for her to do) shove a load of washing (sitting next to the washer) in the machine when he takes his uniform out, not to Do a spring clean.

how do you think single pilots cope?

many pilots have second jobs as they get so much downtime!!

I was kinda on OPs side until she mentioned she's kept an eye on his sleep and he gets a good 8 hours, said in response to how much of a break does he get. Good! I would hope someone in charge of a flying death machine does get at least 8 hours sleep!