If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

50% of all the time he’s at home he should be helping.

Truthfully they are both ‘working’.

the difference is that Dh is earning money, going out every day saving the world, sorry flying planes and getting respect, staying in his career.

Op is working just as hard but has no respect, no money and no career, and no hero status…

As it ever was…

Society rewards men… who look to be to all intents and purposes, single. Even if they’re not and they have a family.

@Beezknees

oh if only he'd leave his cereal bowl in the sink at a more convenient time for her to put it in the dishwasher.

No you wouldn’t because it’s YOU that wanted to be a SAHM, years before you met your husband!

He can wash a dish at least. I meant more things like washing.

Work days, I would expect little to none.

Weekends and holidays, I would expect 50/50 of both childcare and housework.

Being a SAHP is a full time job, just like his.
So it's only fair you both do 50/50 when he's off.
Otherwise you are on 24/7.

I just want a parent with my children. I do daydream about dp being a stay at home dad. But financially he has far exceeded by earning capability. I’ve not worked since my first was born

@Beezknees

being a solo parent is far less horrible than being in a marriage/oartnership where the other adult treats you like their skivvy

OP, what you wrote above struck a chord.

I am not saying you should divorce your Dh but wanted to leave this here, to explain why his actions or inaction makes you feel disrespected by your DH:

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Agreed. It’s comical. Her DH flying a plane with a few hundred people on board, with all the inherent safety checks required etc is just ‘work’ but she has even itemised putting the baby into the car. Unbelievable.

Is this really about you wanting
More help
More appreciation
Time to feel more connected with DH

As the answers will be different

With that sort of shift work and the high pressure of the job I wouldn't expect him to do any housework intentionally, given what you've said, but if he's doing his own washing he should easily be able to throw another load on after his, empty dishwasher if full etc.

Sounds like you could do with having a cleaner so that all the housework isn't on you. Perhaps either sign the baby up for nursery 1-2 days a week or a mother helper for a similar period, so you get some proper time to yourself.

@harriethoyle, I like how you describe 8 hours of your husband's day as just 'work', whilst your work is described in detail!

When you listen to SAHM, whose husband earn enough alone to support their family alone, you'd think they just twiddle their thumbs for that time whilst they are run ragged.

I would certainly think a pilot job is much more demanding mentally than being a sahm!

@Ilovemyshed

yes poor little pilot, far too exhausting to put his own bowl in the dishwasher.

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

Is it just that you’ve come off the 6 weeks summer holiday and struggling a bit with having all 3 for an extended period of time or have you felt this for a long time? If you’ve not worked since you’re first then you’d have had a really easy time of it when the older two were at school before the baby was born.

My other half has never done the laundry. It doesn't bother me at all, I really don't think laundry is a big deal. The putting it away is more of a pain tbh.

So being a SAHP is a full time job in itself but doing children and housework when home from work is just "adulting".

First, it's not 'help'; it's his family and his house just as much as it's yours.

In between shifts if he's just basically home to sleep/unwind for a bit, I'd happily take the bulk of it.
But in your example of what he does with two days off, that's not enough. He needs to do some housework.
And you shouldn't have to ask him to do a wash, unload the dishwasher etc; again, it's his house and his stuff. This is mental load and it sounds like you carry most of it.

Massively. You are a SAHM. This stuff is your responsibility. If you are resentful you need to go back to work.

I think you're very disrespectful to working parents. Working dismissed as a single line, not around to parent our children. Maybe think about reframing your thoughts. Your dh is keeping a roof over you head, food on the table and the lights on through his contribution.

He shouldn't expect you to pick up the pieces but you do seem to think his role is easy. It's hard having everyone relying on your funds.

If you're doing less house work/childcare throughout the week, having to do little bits here and there in general (dishes in the dishwasher, picking up laundry) isn't that big a deal. At least for me, having help during the week meant I had plenty of breaks and me time. I didn't feel like I was being treated like a housemaid if I had to do mundane tasks even though I agree a grown man should be able to load his own dishes into the dishwasher. Everyone I guess has their own boundaries of what they consider disrespectful.

I think this is true. Both working and staying home have their positives and negatives. But you cant have the benefits of being a sahp without picking up the majority of the home stuff surely? I do sometimes find sahms at my kids school are very vocal about how much they'd "love to go to work for a break" with no real understanding of what it's actually like to do a full day at a physically or mentally tiring job, then have to quickly switch off and do the home stuff with no real let up. However I've never had years and years at home with kids. So the grass is always greener I guess!

However you do sound resentful, annoyed, and quite fixated on the minutae of his day. It's not good being unhappy and worn out so it might be worth having a discussion regarding routines and division of chores generally, even if it is just to make yourself feel heard.

@Fluufer

or alternatively he could stop acting like a knob and show his wife some respect?

Without being rude, and I am very grumpy today, I do what you do plus working and having a husband who does the same or less than yours. I also manage most stuff around my children so they’re not passed pillar to post. It’s exhausting and I dream of being a SAHP. It’s not a competition but having a SAHP does often come with a need to take on much more of the home life / admin. However, any adult who doesn’t put their stuff in the dishwasher needs a kick up the bum (my husband included) - it’s enough to send me mad.

So you didn’t have any financial responsibilities for 8 years, and still moan about your DH not doing the dishes? Sorry but this is the life you chose and apparently wanted. If it’s so bad, get a PT job and put baby in nursery.