If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

OP, plenty of mums do the entire list you do AND they work full time - ie - meal planning, shopping, uniforms, cleaning....etc.....

Honestly if you're finding being a SAHM that much of a burden, don't do it. Go back to work. A present parent won't do them any favours if you're miserable. You can swap in a heart beat, you go back to work too and do half each.

YABU
If I was working 12 pm to 3am, so 15 hours a day to support a SAHP and 3 children I wouldn't expect to do much housework. If I was a pilot responsible for people's lives each day, I'd prioritise my mental health and stress levels even more and certainly do much less than he is already doing.

@nextdoornightmares

& what? The 9 month old looks after itself & toddles off to play groups?

they don't. They outsource the care of the baby.

I know not everyone will agree with me…but this is why you should never give up work as a woman. Being a SAHM is thankless soul-sucking drudgery. It’s not at all comparable to a job where you get to use your brain and your training and feel accomplished and successful at something. As a SAHM your self-esteem needs are rarely met. It’s poor quality, unpaid, and undervalued work.

I’ve kept my job at LTFT, work around the kids mainly (plus a few clubs). My DH works all the hours god sends and I do most house stuff on my non-working days. Also have a cleaner and gardener (someone should get paid for doing this shit).

I know, unhelpful OP. But can you get a part-time role when your youngest is a bit older? It will make you feel more like an equal (if that’s what’s at the root of the issue).

That’s not horrendous hours though, perhaps awkward hours if he’s coming home at 3am. If you’re comparing it to someone who works 9-5 it is long hours. Assume he’s earning more though than the average.

Not dismissing how exhausting it is being a SAHM by any means as I did the same when the kids were little. Husband worked 100+ hours and travelled 3-4 nights a week. Earned well though so I hired help. Two kids but a year gap between the two so the first few years were tough. Once the eldest was in school we got rid of the help.

As for not being actively engaged with the kids when he’s with them, I don’t think even sahm’s are actively engaged 100% of the time either. He sounds like he does a hell of a lot more than many men taking the kids out etc in addition to working odd hours.

Can you hire a cleaner to help with housework and such. While housework/laundry is a necessity, it’s a crap use of your time especially if you can pay someone else to do it for you.

A few hours at the weekend, max.

Indeed!

@Fluufer

yes, because of course he'll suddenly start doing 50% of everything at home. Not just 'housework' but all the admin for the house & children, but shopping. Buying uniform, other clothes & shoes, facilitating after school clubs, sorting dr, dentist, hair cuts etc it's not just cleaning the bsthroom

Whenever he's at home, 50/50.

Although to be honest as a SAHP you should have enough time to do most of the housework while he's at work (I have been a SAHP).

I worked part time (3 days pw) when dd was little and took on pretty much all the housework. I put dd in nursery for half a day and did a big weekly clean, the rest just slotted in. I was still present for dd's pre school years and gave her plenty of attention and still do now she's in high school and I work full time. I think it's about giving quality time and focus to them.

Now I'm back in full time work we have a weekly cleaner and get food shopping delivered and dh has stepped up. In your daily schedule you miss the things that work entails as just 'work'. That's his contribution as well as doing washing, cooking and taking care of the children.

I would challenge him in putting a bowl in the dishwasher though and not leaving a mess but why would he turn on a half full machine?

That stuff really isn't that stressful and I'm a lone parent working full time. People make it a bigger deal than it actually it.

It sounds like he's doing a really reasonable amount when he's at home.

Is there something else going on, as the workload split seems balanced on the surface. Ae you feeling overwhelmed by a third child after having come out of the demanding baby/toddler phase with the older two? Do you need to hire external help - childcare/creche for baby, cleaner, etc? Is all the life admin (banking, insurance, etc) falling solely on you?

If he's doing 85% when off, I'd be awfully unreasonable to be questioning how much more I should expect .

YANBU. He should have an overview of what is necessary to run the house and, even if he's not at home to do much of it, he should contribute when he can. Just little things like doing the dishwasher before he goes out or getting the laundry in. Putting away things that are on the stairs or getting the kids to tidy up their toys.

Is he one of those shirkers who stands around while the kettle is boiling rather than using that time to unload the dishwasher/wipe the kitchen surfaces/put a wash on/mop the floor?

That would irritate the hell out of me.

At the very least, he should be tidying up his own things, putting his own plates in the dishwasher and taking bins out when they're full.

He needs to take some ownership of the house stuff and child stuff. Yes, you do most of it because you're there the most, but you have a baby, young children and he's an adult who lives in the house.

@Kellykukoo pilots get a lot of days off. Funny how the other pilots manage to adult.

While housework/laundry is a necessity, it’s a crap use of your time especially if you can pay someone else to do it for you.

How is it crap use of her time? It has to be done and it’s no more a crap use of her time than it is anyone else’s. If she pays someone else to do it she needs to earn the money to pay them.

Can you afford a cleaner?

Its probably the introduction of a 9 month old that’s created some tension.

7 and 8 year olds are much easier to handle.

are you sleep deprived Op?

and is this a second marriage? New baby?

If he’s not picking up anything else then you need support and hopefully his salary stretches to that.

being a pilot is stressful too but in a different way.

in the end no one wants to do the hard manual labour of house chores and nor do you do try and outsource some of it.

My 3 children aged 4 and 2 totally manage to look after themselves while I scrub toilets and clean windows. Hoping the new baby will be the same. Kettle is a bit high up for making his bottles though (obviously I won't be breastfeeding because I'm so lazy) Hopefully the other ones can help him out a bit until he learns the ropes.

I would say that the split here is him working and earning and you running the house and caring for the kids while he works.

So long as he is spending some quality time with them when he has time off, that's fine. Given his role, he also needs to be rested to be safe.

It would be different if you worked.

As a pilot I assume he’s a high earner?
perhaps you could employ a housekeeper ( live in of course) and same with a nanny. Then you could just be a lady who lunches.

You’re not comparing like with like because you could group all your activity under the single heading “work” and make it look the same.

@Mustthinkofausername

getting a cleaner doesn't help with the main issue of him just expecting her to clean up after him when he can't even
pit his dishes in the dishwasher. She's not expecting him to do heavy housework. Just have some respect & not treat her like a housemaid!!

I don't know if he would. My point was that being SAHM isn't for everyone and if you're not enjoying it, it's not good for the parent or the kids. Sometimes it is the relentless drudgery that gets to people, rather than it actually being particularly hard. Perhaps they could each work part time, or they could outsource some cleaning or dog walking.

Absolutely this! I often batch cook at midnight or do life admin at 1am sooo...