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Original poster

DH and best friends wedding

618 replies

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

OP posts:
chocorabbit · 06/09/2024 11:51

Blondiebeachbabe · 06/09/2024 11:05

I would bet £100, that the day before the wedding, he will change his mind and demand that you ditch your Mum. DO NOT DO IT.

This!

Don't tell him you are going with your mother as he'll do just this! "No, I never said I wasn't going <sulk> I only said I didn't like THAT friend/ was feeling a bit under the weather, this can't be right, you're crazyHmm you never want me at your friends' parties 😭"

And arrange reliable childcare or he'll sabotage this too! Can your mum help with you having somewhere to live if you divorce?

Isometimeswonder · 06/09/2024 11:53

He will probably change his mind beforehand and say he'll go, like he's doing you a big favour.
Do not back down!

confused002 · 06/09/2024 11:55

Having read all your comments I think he's trying to control you.

My ex was a bit like this and until I ended things I couldn't see how much he was controlling me. Like your DH he was always the life and soul of the party, and is well liked.

He would always find reasons not to socialise with my family/friends and I had the embarrassment of showing up alone or making excuses for him. If I done the same he would kick off and I would end up going along just to avoid the arguments.

He would also question everything I was doing when out without him. But in a way that wouldn't come across as controlling. So asking in a roundabout way where I was, who I was with or when I was going to be home. Even once showing up to pick me up even although I had other arrangements to get home.

I then got to the point i stopped going out unless he wanted to come along or was his plans.

I want to point out this happened gradually over a number of years and I didn't see any of it until I left.

It was seeking by counselling for another issue that brought things to the forefront and a planned gig that a friend pointed some things out.

Don't let money stop you from leaving, there is help available out there and there is more to life than money. I was similar but I made it work.

I would leave now if I were you before things escalate.

chocorabbit · 06/09/2024 11:58

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 11:37

two people he is very good friends with are sat on our table.

I asked him why he didn't want to go and he said he just didn't, that he couldn't be bothered and why would i want him there if he was just going to be miserable all day.

i also did not want to lie to my friend, and wanted him to own his decision himself. he wouldn't do this and instead said he just wouldn't come, basically whether or not I came up with an excuse.

I think if this was a one off thing, I wouldn't be as bothered by it. But it's part of a pattern of behaviour I am realizing.

He is the center of his world, everything revolves around him and how he is feeling.

Show quote history

So his own friends have absolutely no problem, don't embarrass their wives (assuming some will be friends wives?) don't sulk and are glad to be part of this!

Benvolio · 06/09/2024 11:58

Do keep your wits about you in case he tries to 'punish' you in the lead up to the wedding too

DontLookBackInBognor · 06/09/2024 12:11

Changeiscomingthisyear · 06/09/2024 08:15

Tell them the truth. DB has decided not to
come. He can’t be bothered or he doesn’t like it when the attention is not on him.

Show quote history

Yes, this! ⬆️

I’ve long since gone beyond making up excuses for people are being weak, lazy or just dickheads. I will no longer take the blame…why should I?

Give him one last chance to tell them himself, and if he doesn’t, just tell
the bride and groom that he won’t be there as he’s being a prat but you’ll be there in full bridesmaid mode, and you’ll all party on without him! 🎉🥳🕺💃

Have a lovely day…. And give your relationship a long hard look after the wedding.

Campergirls1 · 06/09/2024 12:21

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 11:37

two people he is very good friends with are sat on our table.

I asked him why he didn't want to go and he said he just didn't, that he couldn't be bothered and why would i want him there if he was just going to be miserable all day.

i also did not want to lie to my friend, and wanted him to own his decision himself. he wouldn't do this and instead said he just wouldn't come, basically whether or not I came up with an excuse.

I think if this was a one off thing, I wouldn't be as bothered by it. But it's part of a pattern of behaviour I am realizing.

He is the center of his world, everything revolves around him and how he is feeling.

Show quote history

He is an abuser.
You are being abused.
Your child is being abused.

Absolutely expect him to refuse to look after his child last minute to try and fxxk you over and ruin things.

Get alternative care organised.
I seriously would look at a refuge, anywhere to get away from him.

You need to wake up to his abuse.

Do not be one bit surprised if he dramatically back tracks when he realises he hasn't succeeded in ruining the day.

He will become victim, wronged, mis understood.
He could threaten to self harm.

He is a truly awful toxic abusive man and he will destroy your life and that of your child.

Be brave and look at any way you can leave.
Anyone with a room.
Anyone who will help.

Tell the truth, you are being abused and it will NEVER change.

He will NEVER change.

You desperately need to read the book "Why does he do that?" It is free to PDF.

It will explain what you are dealing with.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/09/2024 12:21

He sounds fucking awful, @Strawberrysaucee.

What outcome would you like here? If you would like him to get a fucking grip and accompany you to the wedding then you could speak to the two friends of his who are supposed to be on your table and ask them to have a word with him.

Either way, if he doesn't go you just tell everyone who asks that he is having some sort of toddler tantrum and refused to go, that you're sick of his behaviour, and you'd like to forget about him for a few hours and have a good time.

From what you've said in your posts here I would say his behaviour is enough to justify calling time on your marriage. Your child will also be affected by his moods.

Lindy2 · 06/09/2024 12:22

I'd not tell him about your mum going. Just let him think you're going alone. He'll suddenly decide to go if he realises someone else now has his place. He is trying to stop you enjoying yourself and getting your mum to go means you're going to have a nice time without him. I expect that's going to really annoy him.

Is your DC going too? If they aren't at the wedding have back up plans for childcare if it's your husband that is now supposed to be looking after them while you're there. He may let you down last minute to try to stop you being able to go. He may even phone you during the wedding demanding you come home if he is looking after your DC. There will be some child related emergency.

Have a lovely time with your mum and friends but when the wedding is done concentrate on your next steps.

He is controlling and not a supportive partner. I'm worried for you that things will get worse and worse as time goes on. I'd seriously look at your options for moving out and splitting up.

gardenmusic · 06/09/2024 12:29

Sorry if this has been said, only read OP's posts - sort out child care for the day. Someone who understands and will put up with his games to step in.
Be prepared for he will/he won't look after his child, right up to the last minute. Or he is ill, or your car keys go missing. Where is your bridesmaid outfit? I would leave it elsewhere and get into it elsewhere.
It's awful, but pre empt in order to remove the stress.

BlueyTuesdays · 06/09/2024 12:30

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 10:16

I told my friend.

She was lovely and supportive - my mum is coming with me now.

She is lovely and supportive because she will know that your husband is a miserable controlling arsehole. She will secretly be glad he’s not coming along to spoil your day (and possibly hers by extension).

You should definitely make yourself uncontactable for the wedding day as he will seek to punish you by constantly texting or calling you. He will no doubt be cross and sulky or silent with you afterwards too.

Choochoo21 · 06/09/2024 12:37

gardenmusic · 06/09/2024 12:29

Sorry if this has been said, only read OP's posts - sort out child care for the day. Someone who understands and will put up with his games to step in.
Be prepared for he will/he won't look after his child, right up to the last minute. Or he is ill, or your car keys go missing. Where is your bridesmaid outfit? I would leave it elsewhere and get into it elsewhere.
It's awful, but pre empt in order to remove the stress.

I agree with this.

My friends DH used to pull these stunts all of the time - he’s been called into work last minute, the cars having problems, he’s unwell etc the worst one was when she didn’t answer her phone (because we were in Tesco and there was no signal) and he took the child to A&E saying she’d had a fit.

He may have been telling the truth but he managed to drive there ok (even though he said she couldn’t use the car because it had broken down) and then said it was her fault it happened because she didn’t answer her phone and luckily the child wasn’t dead (the nurses gave him a sharp look).
After that my friend decided not to see me again because she blamed me for going into tesco.

Men like this will use any tactic to stop you from having a life without them.

As the PP said, get childcare and have a way to get there etc without him.

Have an amazing time and then speak to your mum about leaving him and how you’re going to go about this.

Choochoo21 · 06/09/2024 12:39

Also do not let him change his mind about going or put a downer on your excitement.

Don’t even speak to him about him not going (apart from to say you’ve let your friend know) and then carry on as normal.

Campergirls1 · 06/09/2024 12:44

Definitely prepare for him to do anything and everything to ruin your day.

It is no surprise that he ruins every occasion for you.

Text book abuser.
Moods and sulking.
It is a shocking way to live.

It is a truly shocking house to grow up in.

Charming, full of life outside, moody, miserable, sulking at home.

The children of such men battle anxiety and depression their whole lives.

Get away while you can.

PaleGreenVelvet · 06/09/2024 12:48

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

Had a boyfriend exactly the same, and now a husband ( different people) who has done similar but not at a wedding, but other events.

Husband I just ignore over the years on these occasion's, and still attend, it’s embarrassing though.

Family have got used to it.

Please attend, but also pay your friend back for the meal. Don’t offer, just pay.

You have my sympathy

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/09/2024 12:48

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 11:37

two people he is very good friends with are sat on our table.

I asked him why he didn't want to go and he said he just didn't, that he couldn't be bothered and why would i want him there if he was just going to be miserable all day.

i also did not want to lie to my friend, and wanted him to own his decision himself. he wouldn't do this and instead said he just wouldn't come, basically whether or not I came up with an excuse.

I think if this was a one off thing, I wouldn't be as bothered by it. But it's part of a pattern of behaviour I am realizing.

He is the center of his world, everything revolves around him and how he is feeling.

Show quote history

I hope you will tell people the real reason he isn’t there. But seriously he sounds the worst and I hope you can leave. Maybe get some benefits advice and try and get sense of his earnings for the CMS claim?

Fastback · 06/09/2024 12:49

Jesus. He is awful. I’m glad you’re going without him. I hope you find a way to extract him from your life too, and you live happily ever after, without this self-obsessed, selfish fuckwit ruining everything that isn’t about him.

DebateWithMoi · 06/09/2024 12:50

What an unbelievably selfish and controlling man. Run for the hills, he won't get better and he clearly can't see other people be happy on a day special to them if it doesn't benefit him. Vile. Please dump him!

PenelopePitStrop · 06/09/2024 12:50

He is jealous of your relationship with your close friend and angry that he is not in control of you when it is YOUR friend / family.

You are going to need your friends and family OP so keep close to them and do not let him isolate you.

If you leave, you will be OK. You have your job, you will have child maintenance , you can get UC.

PaleGreenVelvet · 06/09/2024 12:51

I wish I had read this advice when younger

LeoOakley · 06/09/2024 12:58

Gosh he really is a text-book turd isn't he.

OP, once the wedding is out of the way (and I agree with pp's that he will try to sabotage you going) I would seriously consider divorcing him.

He is an abuser and it will not change, in fact it will worsen.

Having just 1 child, renting, and in receipt of your own monthly salary means you are in a far better position than most who post on here. Just think about never having to deal with his moods and deliberate obstruction to anything that makes you happy. He is a shit head who deserves to be royally dumped.

bringincrazyback · 06/09/2024 12:59

Haven't RTFT, and I hate to ask, but is there any chance there's ever been something between him and your friend?

OrwellianTimes · 06/09/2024 13:05

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 11:37

two people he is very good friends with are sat on our table.

I asked him why he didn't want to go and he said he just didn't, that he couldn't be bothered and why would i want him there if he was just going to be miserable all day.

i also did not want to lie to my friend, and wanted him to own his decision himself. he wouldn't do this and instead said he just wouldn't come, basically whether or not I came up with an excuse.

I think if this was a one off thing, I wouldn't be as bothered by it. But it's part of a pattern of behaviour I am realizing.

He is the center of his world, everything revolves around him and how he is feeling.

Show quote history

That last sentence. He’s a narcissist. He will deliberately ruin stuff for you whenever the focus isn’t on him.

Ellie56 · 06/09/2024 13:07

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 10:16

I told my friend.

She was lovely and supportive - my mum is coming with me now.

Good - she will be much better company than him.

He sounds a colossal twat. I would think about dumping him. This is no way to live for you or your child.

gardenmusic · 06/09/2024 13:14

Strawberrysaucee · Today 10:16
I told my friend.
She was lovely and supportive - my mum is coming with me now.

He will not like this. He did not get his aim - problems for you, pleading, ruining it for you or you standing down.
Be prepared for demands for Mum to stand down for him, or other activities to spoil it for you.

Try not to engage about the wedding, less he knows the better, but pre empt.