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Original poster

DH and best friends wedding

618 replies

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

OP posts:
Kurtcobainscardigan · 07/09/2024 21:09

It sounds like you are married to a narcissistic, emotionally abusive, gaslighter. Really hope you can find a way out of this relationship.

Zanatdy · 07/09/2024 21:11

Teenyweenytinytrees · 07/09/2024 19:18

I have only read the OP and the OP replies. He is a manipulative and nasty piece of work. I actually can't believe how text book his behaviour is. I never, ever say LTB. In this case 💯 LTB!!!

100%, what a complete controlling arsehole this guy is. OP please stop letting him treat you like this

dementedmummy · 07/09/2024 21:11

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Please tell him to do so and not to bother coming back until he has checked his attitude. What a prize clown of a man. Guarantee if you don't have backup childcare on the day, he will find some way to make sure he cannot possibly look after the child.

beakyboo · 07/09/2024 21:32

Long time lurker here, many many years, this is the first post I feel compelled to comment on. I’m 28 years in, in-house separated and in, what I feel, is the hardest ‘battle’ of my life to divorce this man. I have had the exact same scenario, I ended up having to take my kids with me to my bf wedding, I made excuse upon excuse. This was just one of forms the psychological abuse took. Google gaslighting, coercive control, covert narcissist, triangulation and Caroline Strawson. You may not be ready to go now but you can start to get your ducks in a row. I wish I had better prepared!!

Birdseyetrifle · 07/09/2024 21:48

Why you putting up with this bullshit!
Stop allowing him to make you feel shit. This is all on him, he didn’t want to go so you sorted it.
Tell him to leave, grow a fucking back bone and raise your standards for acceptable behaviour.

Loopy3585 · 07/09/2024 21:50

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Call his bluff, tell him if he thinks that’s what’s best then he should go stay at his Dads. He’s trying to panic you and wants you to beg him to stay

Campergirls1 · 07/09/2024 21:55

The very best thing you could do is tell him to go to his fathers..

Stick a key in the door when he is gone.

You have been wanting to leave, now is your chance.

He left you and you accept it is now over.

This is a gift if you can find the bravery to take it and run with it.

MrsSunshine2b · 07/09/2024 22:03

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:12

He has been at it all day.

I have made him look bad, I'm making him look a cunt, I have jumped the gun, 'you have done it now, it's fine'.

I feel like i'm loosing the plot. He has said for months nothing but bad things about this wedding, nothing but snide comments, done nothing but insult my friend and the groom to me, or looked for excuses.

He wanted drama and you didn't give him any, just called his bluff and now he's got himself uninvited. Not your problem.

EmBear91 · 07/09/2024 22:10

Is something going on between him and your friend? I know that’s a horrible thing to suggest but to me it sounds very strange that it’s events related to her that he suddenly acts weird about. I’d be questioning whether he has feelings for her or has tried it on with her in the past etc.

NewtyCutey · 07/09/2024 22:22

OP, please arrange the childcare for the wedding with your other friend. I have a feeling he'll say he'll do it but then engineer a problem on the day to ruin your day.

Long-term, I do think you need to leave him. He's controlling. As PP have said, it will only get worse.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 07/09/2024 22:31

Glad you've seen it for the controlling bs it is. My ds's gf at the time did it when he was due to go to his cousin's wedding. She was invited but said she had to look after dogs. Then on the day invented all sorts of shite to stop him going. We were evil taking him because we knew she'd be alone, he didn't care, she couldn't cope for a night. She'd had 6 months to come to.terms, go to her mum's. No, on the wedding day.
Keep strong op. Don't let him control you.

MillieMinx · 07/09/2024 22:48

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 08:26

I am going to message my friend today, he started an argument with me on her last hen do whilst I was out too which is something I very rarely do.

I’m seeing so many red flags here, sorry.
This is his way of telling you he doesn’t want you to go, by behaving this way the plan is you’ll either not go or cover for him.
Just tell everyone the truth. Do not lie for him. But tell your friend asap as she may have someone else who can go in his place.
He’ll likely do this at every event until you don’t argue anymore because it’s not worth the hassle. He wants control. I’d seriously consider if this relationship is worth it. Sounds like my ex. He’s showing you who he really is, take notice

MrsDrDear · 07/09/2024 22:58

He is now making me feel bad

Only you have control of your emotions. Stop feeling bad and tell him to get to fuck.

CherriBerri · 07/09/2024 23:01

I also think her friend must be told. It’s not fair that OP was put in the middle of this, but it wouldn’t be fair for her friend to not know.

SquishyGloopyBum · 07/09/2024 23:05

Please see this for what it is, classic manipulation. Tell him to go to his dad's. He'll actually be wanting you to beg for him not to, just like you were meant to beg for him to come to the wedding.

You need to stop giving him headspace. He will try and ruin the day for you. It's so utterly predictable and pathetic.

loupiots · 07/09/2024 23:08

It's good that you're seeing his behaviour for what it is @Strawberrysaucee

Just a couple of things to think about.

  1. Don't get caught up in his bullshit. He doesn't want to go to his dad's, but he does want you to feel guilty, worried and afraid. If you don't know what the grey rock method is, look it up but it's the best way forward to begin to detach yourself from his manipulative tactics.

  2. He will 100 per cent try to sabotage your plans to attend the wedding. That's as certain as death and taxes, so make plans now for someone else to look after your child (or if you can take them with you?) so that you are not dependent on him.

  3. This might sound dramatic but it's just to keep in mind. These type of men really don't like losing control and can be unpredictable when they feel unstable. He will get a sense of self worth and power from controlling you and making you unhappy. It shouldn't be your problem, but it is, so think long term. Don't let him know what's going on, try not to get into arguments where he can goad you, stay one step ahead and again, grey rock until you have all your ducks in a row and can leave safely.

I know that speaking to Refuge/Women's Aid etc., might sound over the top but they have so much knowledge and understanding of exactly what you're experiencing and are a real support.

Best of luck!

Ellie56 · 07/09/2024 23:11

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Let him. Then as PP above said make sure he can't sabotage your plans by spoiling your wedding outfit or messing up your child care arrangements. You need to be one step ahead of this controlling bastard all the time.

SpiderGwen · 07/09/2024 23:21

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

What's that saying? - "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake" or something along those lines.

Your dickhead bloke is willingly buggering off for a bit, giving you time to get the legendary Ducks In A Row. Find and copy significant documents, arrange an appointment with a divorce lawyer, have a look at The Freedom Programme. Picture a life free from him, and start moving towards that.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 07/09/2024 23:25

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 09:08

I have debated leaving in the past. But I always feel like he hasn't done anything quite bad enough to justify uprooting my child. But then I think - is me not being happy not enough?

I just wish finances weren't a barrier

Yes, being unhappy is enough. It is better to separate amicably if possibly, so why wait for a major row? Just start planning and get help and support.

6pence · 07/09/2024 23:30

If you are feeling bad, his manipulation is working - so turn that guilt feeling into anger he’s doing this to you.

Codlingmoths · 07/09/2024 23:34

Ellie56 · 07/09/2024 23:11

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Let him. Then as PP above said make sure he can't sabotage your plans by spoiling your wedding outfit or messing up your child care arrangements. You need to be one step ahead of this controlling bastard all the time.

I didn’t think of the outfit! Possibly keep it at a friends- shoes, dress, jacket and get dressed there? Underwear too if he would know what you planned to wear. You cannot trust this man.

Leafygreen84 · 07/09/2024 23:38

AutumnFroglets · 07/09/2024 18:06

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Embrace it. Agree with him whole heartedly and tell him to go. Your marriage is already broken so you won't make it worse by doing this. Take back control of your life, of your future. It will be a better one with him gone.

This. Tell him not to come back. Honestly. You’ll feel like a massive weight has been lifted.

Horses7 · 07/09/2024 23:39

You are living with a childish man and sadly he’s not going to change.

SD1978 · 07/09/2024 23:42

He doesn't get to be the dick and say he's not going, and then when you make alternative arrangements, be the dick and say he would have gone. Clearly he was hoping you'd fuck over your friend and lose her money and say it was a last minute illness/ childcare issue, and when you didn't he's playing the victim. Sorry, but this would give me the serious rage. I'd also refuse to discuss it further and stick with, this is what you wanted, and it's sorted the way you asked, and not engage with the conversation again

SD1978 · 07/09/2024 23:43

I'd he is going to his dads to sulk and be a selfish arsehole, do you still have childcare for the kids so you and your mum can go to the wedding?