DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

I think its a good idea to keep cards close to your chest and not provoke an abuser.
Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman and the husband is already throwing his toys out the pram because the bride knows he doesn't want to do, what will he do when his friends know his true nature?

This - 1000% correct. Please OP-read @Campergirls1´s post several times-and leave him. He is an absusive controller..get away for your sake, and for your child's sake.

Your DH sounds like an absolute Doughnut. I think him staying at his Dad’s is the least he can do.

I would tell him that actions have consequences. And that it's a shame he hasn't worked that out at his grand old age.

I would also tell him that you'll be repaying your friend the £115 she spent on his place at the wedding and so he'll just be getting a card for birthdays/Christmas until that money is repaid.

@Strawberrysaucee it will be better for you if he goes to his Dad’s otherwise he will 100% start a row with you when you get back from having had a good time without him.

My OH would always do this. Say he wasn't sure if he was coming or not and drag it out for ages. As you say, really annoying and embarrassing when the Bride and Groom are trying to allocate numbers. He would then say he wasn't going to come, I would confirm with Bride and after that he would say "you obviously didn't want me to come!!" And he would then back track, and say "Well, do you want me to come? I'll come if you want " It was exhausting and as others have said, it is controlling.

I now ask once, and then go on my own!!

He sounds like a dick. Rude, arrogant, unsympathetic and is behaving like a child. I wouldn't take him and I'd seriously consider dumping him.

My first response was to say that if you're a bridesmaid then you'll probably be tied up with bridesmaid duties all day and he might be a bit bored or fed up, especially if he doesn't know anyone else. I had this experience before when my ex was groomsman for his friend. My Ex wasn't sitting with me at the church, he was missing for ages while the photos were being taken and he was sitting at the top table during the meal. Obviously I still went to the wedding and I knew some of the people there, so I had people to chat to, but I felt like I was on my own for most of the day.

However, you've said that he knows other people going to the wedding and that he's very sociable, so this shouldn't be too much of an issue.

I think the main issue I would have with all of this is that he hasn't explained why he doesn't want to go. And he's come to this decision very late in the day. It puts you in a very difficult position, because if people ask you where he is, you can't give them a reason. Also, the wedding will now become the elephant in the room (perhaps it already has). When you get home from the wedding, you probably won't be inclined to talk about it or show him photos or whatever.

Finally, I'm just wondering if he's jealous of you and of the attention you might be getting as bridesmaid? Is this strop a way of raining on your parade?

Absolutely let him go to his dads. Bolt the doors as well, so he can’t get back in.
Pack enough things for you and your child for a few weeks and go to your mums.
Then Call women’s aid and start to get everything in order/ your options laid out in front of you; you’ll feel much better and see things with far more clarity once you’re also out of the shared home.
ive been in this situation, it escalated catastrophically and was utterly hideous.
please turn to your family & friends, don’t let finances be a reason you remain in this place.
there are so many options available to you, you’ll get financial help as a solo parent,that side of things isn’t as bleak as it may seem right now x

I have zero sympathy for him, he was absolutely fine giving you extreme anxiety about him refusing to go on the day of the wedding and spoiling the day for you, but now he realises the show will go on just fine without him he is having a massive sulk and still trying to spoil things.

Stay strong. You are not putting up with his nonsense now or in the future. You have absolutely done the right thing here, no backing down.

No need to be rude. It's not unreasonable and I'm not the only one who thinks it possible. It would explain his irrational behaviour over this wedding. Not unusual for men to have affairs with best friends.

Narcissistic prick

I agree wise plan of action here.

Whenever I need a favour if my husband huffs and puffs I say no worries I've four other family members who would step up so I'll ask one of them. He backs down because he doesn't want others to think him a shit. He's retired so no work excuses any more.

The trash has taken itself out!

Op he sounds awful. I really feel for you. My husband was much the same. As soon as we were going anywhere he wanted to know what time we would be leaving to go home. Moaned all the time. Never wanted to do anything except for watch tv.

We have been separated for a couple of years and now going through a divorce and court for financial settlement. My children are all in their early twenties now.

One thing I would say to you is that if you are that unhappy then do leave him. Please don’t stay for the sake of your children. I did and I have so many issues with them now. I wanted to leave years ago but I was scared and thought it best that my children had two parents who were together. I have been suicidal and on antidepressants for years. I have a lovely partner now but I regret so much not leaving my husband years ago.

Please think of yourself. I know it’s scary but it can be done. Leaving is much braver than staying in a relationship where you are unhappy. ❤️

Omg, he’s following the expected script, what an arse! Don’t back down, OP, be strong, wave him off to his dad’s, he’s a sulky child!

There is something very weird about his behaviour through all this and it’s definitely very manipulative. Take a good hard look at whether this is the exception or the rule because if he’s like this frequently he is potentially really dangerous to your long term mental health.

Let him go. Sounds like your life would be much better without him. He's an arse.

Going to stay at his dad's is a brilliant idea ! have you helped him pack a bag or is he expecting you to beg him to stay.

Him not wanting to go to your best friend's wedding has back fired on him badly, and you now realise your marriage is not what you hoped / thought it was.

Whilst he is at his Dad's this will give you time to ' get your ducks in a row ' i.e. get on a benefits calculator and find out if you will be entitled to anything as a a single parent, go onto the CMS website and work out what he will have to pay.

Once you have done that you will have figured out if you can afford to stay in the rental you are currently in,
maybe you don't want to stay anyway ?

Start looking at rentals - see what is available and where/what there are.
Do you think it is possible your mum or any other family could lend / give you the deposit and 1st month's rental ?

unless you have some savings ?

You can do this ! it will be hard to begin with but i know you can do this !

Good Lord. Your updates on the level of his manipulation make me go cold, OP. I had years of "wow, we've really got problems, haven't we?" if I ever tried to call him out on his behaviour.

Grey rock the shit out of him. Read up on narcissistic abuse and I'm sure you'll recognise a ton of things. I certainly did when I started researching.

Don't get bogged down in justifying yourself, they can tie you in knots and it's all attention. He wants that. He can piss off. Just calmly say something like "you made it very clear you weren't going. It's all sorted now." - keep repeating that and stick to your guns. Be aware that this tantrum is because he's been called out and knows people will be aware of his fuckwittage. That's not on you.

your posts put me on edge because they are so so so familiar
then I got to this bit…

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

as someone whose father did this for decades…headwrecking my mother and ruining every nice event for me and my siblings. Pleaseeeee Tell him yes he should go.

in a year you will be SO HAPPY you left this guy.

i realise finances are going to be a tight / a bit of a mess but once you claim everything you are entitled to as a single parent you might be pleasantly surprised.
turn2us are a good resource that will help with understand what you would receive.

and under NO circumstances let him change his mind and go to the wedding. He made his choice. It’s done. You go with your mum.

He is not a good guy.
You called his bluff now he’s acting the victim.
Im sorry you’re with such a manipulative man.

Oh fgs, how fucking pathetic is he?

He is now punishing you for not buckling under by going to his Dad’s.

Whatever you do, he will blame you, criticise you and play abusive control based games.

Stay v calm, say nothing more, on repeat, than ‘we had this conversation, you were very clear, you said you were not going, you’re not now going” and grey rock.

Let him go to his Dad’s , just breezily say ‘ok’.

Just do your thing, live your life, make your decisions.

OP - your husband is gaslighting you. You have done nothing wrong and he's acting like the narcissist that he probably is and turned it all around back on you. Let him go to his dad's for a while, stand your ground and don't let him manipulate you.