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Original poster

DH and best friends wedding

618 replies

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

OP posts:
DinosaurMunch · 08/09/2024 00:09

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 08:12

it's just embarrassing for me as people will be asking where he is as he has friends that are going too

If there's one thing I've learned from having a crap partner, it's never to be embarrassed by the behaviour of your partner. It's not your responsibility and no one will think it is. Moreover if being honest about how your partner acts is embarrassing, you probably shouldn't stay with him.

If they ask , tell them he changed his mind about coming and you're not sure why. Then move the conversation on.

Lyraloo · 08/09/2024 00:09

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

I lived through a relationship like this, please tell him to go to his dads and stay there. He won’t change and this scenario will just be replayed over and over again. Your dc doesn’t need to grow up around this negativity. You’ll be ok financially, you’ll get help and make a better, more peaceful life you and dc. Good luck and enjoy the wedding.

Shoemadlady · 08/09/2024 00:44

I was married to a man just like this. Used to do it all the times ruin events / dinner parties and even Christmas Day in a few occasions. I let him last year and it's the best decision I ever made.

Olive72 · 08/09/2024 06:15

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

i don’t think I have ever commented on a post before but yours has really resonated with me. I had almost an exact same situation when my DS was a baby. I ended up not going to my best friend’s wedding as he displayed the same behaviour as your DH. He was happy when everything was on his terms and with his family but not the other way around. But tried to make me feel like it was my fault.
Another good friend told me one day I would wake up and realise all of this but until then there was no point in her telling me what I should do. And that day eventually happened about a year later on Christmas Eve. I asked him to leave and he did. Still tried to control me for the next few years but I didn’t allow it to happen anymore.
i promise your day will come but please let it be sooner rather than later if not for your sake - for the sake of your DC. If you have a daughter you don’t want her to grow up thinking it is normal to be treated like this. And if you have a son then I am sure you don’t want him to learn his Dad’s behaviour.
Finances work themselves out. You sound like you have a great support network also.
You only get one life and you deserve to be the happiest you can be. I am now married to a wonderful man who is the best step Dad to my DS and we have a young grandson who we adore. Go and grab life and enjoy it xx

Minniemeandothers · 08/09/2024 06:58

I am sorry you are in such a difficult relationship. He sounds like he has very strong narcissistic traits. I would agree with him staying with his dad and I suspect he won’t really go, but perhaps it is time for you to state your boundaries. It sounds to me like there is a manipulative element here and to me that is a loud alarm bell.

LoudSnoringDog · 08/09/2024 07:09

He sounds like an utter dickhead

simpledeer · 08/09/2024 08:00

Has he actually gone?

TemuSpecialBuy · 08/09/2024 08:06

loupiots · 07/09/2024 23:08

It's good that you're seeing his behaviour for what it is @Strawberrysaucee

Just a couple of things to think about.

  1. Don't get caught up in his bullshit. He doesn't want to go to his dad's, but he does want you to feel guilty, worried and afraid. If you don't know what the grey rock method is, look it up but it's the best way forward to begin to detach yourself from his manipulative tactics.

  2. He will 100 per cent try to sabotage your plans to attend the wedding. That's as certain as death and taxes, so make plans now for someone else to look after your child (or if you can take them with you?) so that you are not dependent on him.

  3. This might sound dramatic but it's just to keep in mind. These type of men really don't like losing control and can be unpredictable when they feel unstable. He will get a sense of self worth and power from controlling you and making you unhappy. It shouldn't be your problem, but it is, so think long term. Don't let him know what's going on, try not to get into arguments where he can goad you, stay one step ahead and again, grey rock until you have all your ducks in a row and can leave safely.

I know that speaking to Refuge/Women's Aid etc., might sound over the top but they have so much knowledge and understanding of exactly what you're experiencing and are a real support.

Best of luck!

This is 💯 correct.

Expect him to start moving heaven and earth to fuck up your attendance at the wedding.
Have a spare or plan b outfit

Later on dont be surprised when he starts threatening to kill himself etc. And also be en guarde for violence against yourself which is waaaay more likely than him committing suicide
My father threatened to kill us and himself. Real nice...

Campergirls1 · 08/09/2024 08:13

This behaviour of his will never end.
He will always be a source of stress.
He will always spoil happy times.
He will do this to the happy times your child should enjoy, like parties and Christmas, always drama and always stress and sadness.

I stopped going home for Christmas, as did my siblings when we became young adults.
Neither of my parents could understand why we chose to go elsewhere and celebrate with other familys.
My father had spoiled so many days with his sulks and my mother had allowed it.

We simply cut off his opportunity to spoil things.
My mother bore the consequences of her choice to tolerate him.

supafish · 08/09/2024 10:03

My dad did this for years to my mum , I grew up hating him . Don't do this to your child . Leave him . Have a blast at your bf wedding first tho x

GabriellaMontez · 08/09/2024 10:17

You feel bad? That's exactly what he wants. Because he's an absolute bell end.

Go and read your earlier posts. When he made you so uncomfortable that you had to come and post here to try and decide how to deal with him. Remember that.

Waspie · 08/09/2024 10:35

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Goodness, he really has bought 'Coercive Control for Dummies' hasn't he? He's going through it meticulously too. If there were an exam at the end he'd be targeting an A star (top grade arsehole).

Please make sure you go to your friend's wedding @Strawberrysaucee and get childcare for the day so that he can't use your child as a reason for you not to go. Good luck Flowers

PattiSmithsPattis · 08/09/2024 10:52

Hope you're ok this morning @Strawberrysaucee ?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 08/09/2024 11:02

Can you ask him to stay at his dad's and not come back?

AgentJohnson · 08/09/2024 11:16

Him not going to your bf’s wedding is the least of your problem. Enjoy the day knowing that this miserable won’t be there.

Mamasperspective · 08/09/2024 12:28

Ask your friend if it's ok to bring someone else in his place. Has he given you an actual reason why he doesn't want to go? I would remember this next time he wants you involved in something that's important to him ...

2Old2BABPpresenter · 08/09/2024 12:28

My ex used to do this a lot, there are countless events, weddings and parties I have missed because of him and they were “our” friends not just mine. I feel sad about it but it’s done, don’t let this carry one op or he will gradually isolate you from everyone in your life. I’m in a great place now because I bit the bullet and left, we share custody of our kids and I have a fantastic new partner who has thrown himself head first into my friendship circle and they all love him.

Be happy, I hope you realise your child will be happy if you are.

NettleTea · 08/09/2024 13:28

simpledeer · 08/09/2024 08:00

Has he actually gone?

I bet he hasnt.

I bet he hasnt let it lie and has gone on and on with the guilt and break up tactic until poor OPs brain is a total tangle. This is how these blokes operate

or he has cried and made up some BS story

or got angry and scared her (but I dont think we are there yet)

or offered her something she always wanted, but she just needs to do what he says

chocorabbit · 08/09/2024 15:13

HollyKnight · 07/09/2024 17:53

I think he's starting to panic that he is losing his control over you. He probably expected you to beg more and "force" him to go to the wedding, but instead you've said "Fine", sorted it, and not covered up for him, so he's freaking out. And escalating. This "we are not in a good place" crap and going to his dad's is just more manipulation. He's trying to unsettle you and make you feel insecure when it's actually him who is feeling insecure and wanting you to prove your loyalty to him by getting upsetting and begging him to stay. Don't give him that.

Exactly.

I bet he'll tell his friends who will be at the wedding that he had no idea what you were on and why you took your mother to make you look and feel bad. Don't. It's his fault he'll look like an idiot.

When his friends see you there if they ask for him tell them that he didn't want to come, you tried many times to convince him as it's a very important friend to you but he kept telling you that it was your job to excuse him to the bride and you couldn't change his mind. Embarrassed you told your friend and then he decided he'd change his mind as usual and you don't have the headspace for that.

Figgygal · 08/09/2024 15:19

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Hes a dickhead op tell him to bloody stay at his dad's indefinitely

browneyes77 · 08/09/2024 15:21

HollyKnight · 07/09/2024 17:53

I think he's starting to panic that he is losing his control over you. He probably expected you to beg more and "force" him to go to the wedding, but instead you've said "Fine", sorted it, and not covered up for him, so he's freaking out. And escalating. This "we are not in a good place" crap and going to his dad's is just more manipulation. He's trying to unsettle you and make you feel insecure when it's actually him who is feeling insecure and wanting you to prove your loyalty to him by getting upsetting and begging him to stay. Don't give him that.

Exactly this.

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2024 15:33

PolePrince55 · 07/09/2024 19:14

Maybe he doesn't want to sit in his own. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable and it's stressing him out.
If your bridal park e you will be seated elsewhere!

He knows others at the wedding. I highly doubt he was sat on his own

Sometimes an arse is just an arse...

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2024 15:35

OneNiftyPoet · 07/09/2024 20:16

No need to be rude. It's not unreasonable and I'm not the only one who thinks it possible. It would explain his irrational behaviour over this wedding. Not unusual for men to have affairs with best friends.

Show quote history

Maybe the OP knows her best friend better than that?

Seaweed42 · 08/09/2024 15:37

He tried to punish you and it backfired on him.

He's jealous of anything that gets your attention.
You could say you bought a lovely tuna sandwich for lunch yesterday and he'd say I fucking hate tuna.

He hates your friend because she has some of your love and nobody is allowed any part of you because he owns you.

Tell you absolutely agree you aren't in a good place. Tell him he's 100% right about that. And good idea for each of you to think about what sort of relationship will make you happy.

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2024 15:37

CherriBerri · 07/09/2024 23:01

I also think her friend must be told. It’s not fair that OP was put in the middle of this, but it wouldn’t be fair for her friend to not know.

She does know.

The OP is taking her mum...