DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

DEFINITELY tell then the truth - they need to see him for what he is

Was the bride in this scenario and got a text like this re my wedding.

I was 100% not shocked and under proud of my pal for not covering for him. She has years of him saying no one will want you now your used goods (aka she had a child with him) - I was referred to as that bitch after years of him making sly digs because I'm a high earner and I must make my partner feel like less of man because it 😂

So I decided to be "that bitch" I replaced his seat with the my very handsome friend who had recently come back to the uk to settle after making an absolute fortune abroad, knowing full well he was single a total catch and a lovely human being (and just her type).
She ditched her partner soon after the wedding, coupled up with my friend got married and are expecting their 3rd baby together and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding.

So I suspect in his eyes I still retain my title as he blames me for the breakdown of their relationship ignoring the years worth of abuse he put her through

Op there's always hope. I know deep down you don't think you can do better but I assure you, you can.

ExH used to do this, ruin any event or activity that was special to me and didn't revolve around him. Heaven forbid anyone should think he was anything less than generosity and conviviality personified though!

Bin him OP. You're not happy and he's a selfish dick. Finances work out.

i would help him pack

he sounds like an absoulte dickhead

are you married?

He fancies your friend/has already crossed boundaries with her behind your back and this is his fucked up way of telling you

I was thinking something similar. Not necessarily the brid, but could he have had an affair with someone else or is he hoping to see someone while your away.

Sadly OP I think he just wants you to beg him to stay, when you dont he will change his tune.

@Strawberrysaucee

Gone to his dad's? Good. In fact, excellent!! I suggest that you please not contact him and that you not answer any phone calls he may make to you. And if/when he comes trotting back do NOT rise to any bait. Treat it as if it was 'no big deal' that he left (because it wasn't, it was a good thing). Google Grey Rock and do that.

Use this time to catch your breath & actually feel the peace in the house and in your head & heart with him gone. Feel it and embrace it. I know it's hard when money is an issue, but there is a way out of this for you, you just have to get your head clear and look for it. Talk to your mum. Be honest with her. Even if she (and/or your dad) can't directly help you out financially they may be able to house you for a bit until you get on your feet and they can always offer emotional support. And emotional support is huge.

See a solicitor ASAP to educate yourself as to what divorce might mean to you, especially financially. Sounds as if you don't own any property so that's a huge worry out of the way. But find out about child maintenance, what child access arrangements you'd prefer and how likely you are to get it, and division of assets even if there's not much in the pot. Remember, knowledge is power and forewarned is forearmed. When you announce that you want 'out' he is going to lie and gaslight to scare you into submission. Be educated!

The best thing for a child is happy parents & a calm peaceful home. You don't that that now, but you can have at least 1 happy parent and a calm peaceful home if you leave this manipulative bastard.

.

Maybe he doesn't want to sit in his own. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable and it's stressing him out.
If your bridal park e you will be seated elsewhere!

He is damaging your child by teaching them men are in control, men have friends women don't they stay home or close to their owner sorry man.

This is why I never ask my DP when he gets invited to my friends events because he 90% of the time says no!

"He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'"

I know it's not that simple but I would invite the miserable, narcissistic bell-end to make that arrangement permanent.

I have only read the OP and the OP replies. He is a manipulative and nasty piece of work. I actually can't believe how text book his behaviour is. I never, ever say LTB. In this case 💯 LTB!!!

It's embarrassing for HIM. You are not responsible for his behavior or for covering it up. Remember that and hold your head high! This part of him controlling you and the situation so please don't let him

But then she'd be paying the full rent on her own, but yes, would be nice.

Yes what a colossal dickhead. Just tell him fine - grey rock him (Google the technique for dealing with narcissists if you are not already familiar). And start getting your ducks in a row to separate, if I were you. You deserve better

He's making himself look like a cunt, by being one. Perhaps you should say that to him.

Absolutely not. It's better to be divorced than have to put up with this shite treatment

What a manipulative little shit. He's casting around for a way to bring you back to heel. He's tried guilting and blaming you for him not going to the wedding, which is a headfuck (deliberate) since he's the one who didn't want to go. Now he's on to self pity and goading you to beg him not to go to his dad's. He'll no doubt cycle round to anger, more blame (of you, never him,) sulking, love bombing...Let him go to his dad's and give yourself space to think about if this is what you want for you life.

Let home go. Put a claim in for any benefits you might get and a CMS claim and then tell him it’s a permanent change. He can stay at his Dads. Also you really need to speak to someone to see if he meets the threshold for cohesive control.

Yes he doesn’t want to look like a dick just not going. However, he has done this as he wanted you stressed and bothered and ruin the wedding for you.

He probably wanted you to come up with an excuse, lie to your friend then he would drop you in with her. Tell her you knew he wasn’t coming in advance and he wanted to tell her, but you insisted you wait til the day and come up with a lie. It would be a good way to create a rift between you and your friend.

So he tried to guilt you into not going by saying HE wouldn't go, with no good explanation. And because that didn't work he's now saying he will go and that you've jumped the hanging. He's emotionally abusing you.

My answer to him when he says he's going to stay elsewhere would be 'I think that's for the best'

Well, some of us will pop over to yours and help him pack. And drive him to his dad's.

Be very careful about telling people why he is not there, if it gets back to him via his friends it could make things very unpleasant for you.

He will probably go to his dad's and ignore you which means he will not be around to watch your child on the wedding day.

If not, I would expect "DH" to go out the night before and be uncontactable, or be hungover, or ill just to ruin your day.

I assume the bridal party have to be at the venue very early for hair and make up etc, please make sure someone is able to look after your child.

Maybe read the full thread @KitBumbleB

Don't be quiet in his account @Strawberrysaucee Don't protect him.

If you seriously think it s a good idea to stay quiet and a bad idea to speak up, then that's called giving into bullies and controlling twats @KitBumbleB

He sounds emotionally abusive. Puts you in a horrible position by saying he didn’t want to go and even more so - puts the responsibility on you to sort it with the bride. It was sorted without drama and you’re going with your mum. So in his mind, that didn’t put you through enough pain. So he then started to have a go at you for doing as he’d asked - because unsurprisingly the decision he made makes him look bad.
This is nothing to do with wanting to go to a wedding or not. It has everything to do with him wanting to abuse you.
Please get yourself free of this sick man!