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Original poster

DH and best friends wedding

618 replies

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

OP posts:
GreatMistakes · 07/09/2024 18:11

You can see he is trying to isolate you, can't you?

Causing fights and aggro so you think it's easier to give him what he wants.

Hopefully you'll eventually just give up going out because he doesn't like or making plans with friends because you know he will let you down and it's not worth the fuss.

Can you see that?

GreatMistakes · 07/09/2024 18:16

'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

I'm calling it that he is going to go out and get pissed right up on the night of the wedding and either behave badly nor get a friend to phone you to collect him.

LittlePudding1 · 07/09/2024 18:17

Call his bluff, agree with him about going to his Dads.

He wants you to break down and beg him to stay. This is very controlling behaviour.

He didn't want to go to the wedding, you told your friend and are now taking your Mum, he's now saying it's your fault that he's not going. He's manipulating you.

This will only get worse as time goes on. Get out now!

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/09/2024 18:19

HollyKnight · 07/09/2024 17:53

I think he's starting to panic that he is losing his control over you. He probably expected you to beg more and "force" him to go to the wedding, but instead you've said "Fine", sorted it, and not covered up for him, so he's freaking out. And escalating. This "we are not in a good place" crap and going to his dad's is just more manipulation. He's trying to unsettle you and make you feel insecure when it's actually him who is feeling insecure and wanting you to prove your loyalty to him by getting upsetting and begging him to stay. Don't give him that.

I think HollyKnight is spot-on with this. You said earlier:

"I think if this was a one off thing, I wouldn't be as bothered by it. But it's part of a pattern of behaviour I am realizing."

Yep, you are currently joining the dots and seeing the manipulation below the surface of his behaviour. You haven't done this before, and I expect he can sense the change, and he is reacting to that by piling on the pressure - the "moping around", the saying "he feels like 'we are not in a good place' and acting all sad." All designed to make you feel bad. Do not crack.

If he does bugger off to his dad's, use the time to your own benefit. Dig out the paperwork and start getting your ducks in a row. Take copies of bank statements, his payslips. Keep them on your desk at work or your mother's house. Visit the https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators website to check what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent. Finances might not be the obstacle you think it is. Child maintenance - he will be liable for that too.

Benefits calculators

Find out what benefits you could get, how much you could get and how to claim

https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

CoastalCalm · 07/09/2024 18:23

Tell him to go to his dads now , have a great time at the wedding and tell him you will be switching off your phone for the evening and do it !

MrsPositivity1 · 07/09/2024 18:23

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 10:16

I told my friend.

She was lovely and supportive - my mum is coming with me now.

Oh that’s fantastic

sandyhappypeople · 07/09/2024 18:24

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

You need to go on the cheerful offensive, and completely ignore all his sad-face musings, just pretend you haven't noticed, he is doing it for effect and it's working.

He wants you to pander to him and beg him to stay and reassure him.. but to be honest OP, he doesn't deserve that right now.. I would walk around happy and completely ignore all that shit, and respond with a cheerful 'okay, no problem' or 'yes, sounds like a good idea!'

Here's a little real life example..
My sisters husband was very emotionally manipulative, he would promise to do something with her and the kids on a Sunday, even so far as to tell the kids what they were going to be doing, then always back out on the morning of, saying he didn't feel well blah blah excuses, after a few weeks on the trot she made plans to go out with our mum instead.. he never stopped ringing her all day, telling her how much he was looking forward to going out that day and he'd made these plans and bought tickets etc (he hadn't) and she obviously doesn't care about him if she would go out without him.. unbelievably she felt so bad she took the kids and went home to shut him up, it was all bullshit, he just didn't want her to have a good time without him.

He also used to fail to turn up at family events and she would lie and make up a reason why he dropped out last minute.

Thank fuck she left him in the end! Don't be like my sister OP, as soon as you show you are affected by that kind of behaviour they will always use it as a weapon against you.

dapsnotplimsolls · 07/09/2024 18:25

What an arsehole. He's now expecting you to beg him not to go. Don't. Start making a plan to leave.

GoldenLegend · 07/09/2024 18:31

He's expecting you not to beg him to go. Please don't. In your position I'd say 'pack all your stuff while you're about it, and move out' tbh.

urbanbuddha · 07/09/2024 18:32

Good on your friend. Just let him strop off, he sounds like a controlling prick.

Vanilladay · 07/09/2024 18:33

He is absolutely a Narcissist. He will definitely make you feel bad and as if you are at fault if you let him - just don't! Don't look back. Be glad you have realised now before too much damage is done and move on. I've seen what this did to my daughter and, seriously, you need to take this massive instruction from the MN universe and make a much better life for yourself and your DC. You will be so glad you made that choice. Don't let his manipulative tosh derail you. Massive kudos that you are able to see through him x

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 07/09/2024 18:34

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Good riddance, I hope he goes. He sounds extremely emotionally abusive.

Getonwitit · 07/09/2024 18:35

Do exactly the opposite of what he wants you to do. He is one nasty bloke.

OneNiftyPoet · 07/09/2024 18:36

Could he have been having an affair with your friend who is getting married?

GoldenLegend · 07/09/2024 18:37

OneNiftyPoet · 07/09/2024 18:36

Could he have been having an affair with your friend who is getting married?

WTF did you get that from? He's just an arsehole.

HappyMummaOfOne · 07/09/2024 18:39

Let him go to his dads …..the trash is taking itself out! Byeeeeeee

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 07/09/2024 18:41

Be honest with her and tell her your angry with him at least she may be able to get a refund on his s meal or fit someone else in his place.

NettleTea · 07/09/2024 18:42

mine was always off out, never had time to spend with me. So the one night I went out he pretended that he had come home from work and cooked a special meal for us, so we could spend time together, but had had to throw it in the bin. My flatmate, who heard his side of the phone conversation when he called me, so sad about the night he had planned, later told me that he had never cooked anything, it was all a lie to make me feel bad for not sitting at home on my own as usual

Pickled21 · 07/09/2024 18:43

Let him go. He's a waste of space. You have your mum and good friends and need to start planning a life without him. He's gaslighted you. First he's been saying negative remarks and sulking about the wedding, declares he won't be going, then turns it around on you because you told your friend he wouldn't go. You deserve better than this.

KP93 · 07/09/2024 18:44

controlling behaviour, sounds a weirdo. You’d be best out the door

supersop60 · 07/09/2024 18:44

Manipulative narcissist.
If you can emotionally detach, you will see his games.
You will be happier away from him .
Enjoy the wedding!

AllyArty · 07/09/2024 18:46

God love you, you can’t do right in his eyes. What’s his relationship like with the bride? He thought he could just say ‘ I don’t want to go’ and there would be no consequences but there are and he hasn’t come up smelling of roses. People will see him for what he is. Engage with him as little as possible until the wedding, then go and have a lovely time and then decide what’s next for you and your child.

BirthdayRainbow · 07/09/2024 18:49

Finally he has done the right thing. Tell him to stay at his dads. It's so embarrassing a grown man is acting like a toddler who has not worked out his tantrums won't work.

Or do you want to get back in your box?

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2024 18:53

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Result!

Tell him to stay there!

IOSTT · 07/09/2024 18:56

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 08:12

it's just embarrassing for me as people will be asking where he is as he has friends that are going too

Just tell his friends the truth! You have nothing to be embarrassed about!