DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

He has been at it all day.

I have made him look bad, I'm making him look a cunt, I have jumped the gun, 'you have done it now, it's fine'.

I feel like i'm loosing the plot. He has said for months nothing but bad things about this wedding, nothing but snide comments, done nothing but insult my friend and the groom to me, or looked for excuses.

So what are you going to do?

Can you sit down and talk about it. See if he’s as unhappy as you are? This relationship seems untenable.

Yes you have made him look a cunt. Funny how his actual behaviour made him look exactly as you told him it would 🤦‍♀️. Hope you reminded him that it was him that refused to speak to the bride.

That's because you haven't played the game the way you were supposed to. If you hadn't told your friend he wasn't coming, he would have carried on telling you he wasn't going. It's all about control and making himself out to be the victim.

Don't play the game.

He will look exactly as he is.
I wrote in my post that abusive pricks like your loser husband do not like being exposed.

I don't use that C word but if he didn't want to look like one, perhaps he shouldn't behave like one.

Stop allowing him to make you crazy.
He said for months he didn't want to go, you accept it, told the bride. The End.

Its over.

OP, you need to take responsibility for yourself.
We have laid out how he would behave and he has.
He wants to grind you down.

I feel so sorry for your child in this dynamic.
You need to focus on getting out, not this wedding.

@Strawberrysaucee please go back and read your opening post. Look at what you wrote, as a record of what he was saying.

He told you he didn’t want to go. You wanted him to go. He refused. You have let your friend know accordingly. Now he wants to pretend that you’re the one in the wrong, jumping the gun etc.

Your husband is a gaslighting arsehole.

Please make plans to leave him as soon as you’re able. I bet your lovely friend and your mum will be delighted if you do.

He wants you to feel like you are losing the plot - he is fucking with your mind. You cant 'win' against these types because they will twist and turn and lie with no remorse whatsoever.

It was HIS choice, it was HIS behaviour and HE was the one who had refused to go for months griping and bitching. You know this to be true.

He didnt want to go. It has nothing to do with the actual event, he was pulling a powerplay, its all about isolation and control.

He doesnt want to go now. He just doesnt want his twattish behaviour exposed because the more you spend time away from him, with others who see his game, the more distance you have from his gaslighting and manipulation, it allows you to see it. Like this he doesnt give you brainspace - see today you are questioning it all rather than saying, Fuck it, you are a liar and a manipulator, who keeps switching the goalposts.You are too busy trying to make sense of it.

You are trying to make sense of nonsense.

It doesnt make sense because its not normal nor rational.

I had one like. My therapist said you were so busy firefighting the little fires in the trees that you didnt see that you could just walk away from the forest.

Just tell him you believed him. He didn't want to go, he doesn't have to. You're going and will have a lovely time. Grey rock him and look to get out of this abusive relationship.

Good lord, what an absolute arse he is. He didn't want to go. He got what he wanted and now he's still not happy. He's behaving like a toddler.

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Please, as others have said, look for a way out. My skin is crawling reading about his manipulation of you. OP, he will ruin your life if you stay with him and probably your child's too. In a healthy relationship his focus would be making sure you have a lovely time at both the hen and the wedding. Simple as that.

Reading your replies OP, he sounds like a classic manipulative narcissist.

I think him going to stay at his Dad's is a really good idea - please don't try to dissuade him. It gets him out of your hair - as long as he doesn't continue to gaslight you by phone/text (ignore if he does). Just let him go and enjoy the peace. Just say "OK then" and try to stay calm - not upset or annoyed.

Ace reply 😆

Tell him that’s an excellent idea.

Off he fucks!

Good

let him go to his dad's. Im betting he wont though, he's just saying that because you havent backed down and grovelled for forgiveness, nor started crying over the 'not in a good place' comment.

If he does go (and I hope he does) it will give you some time and space to think about if this is the relationship pattern you want your child to look to as their blueprint for relationships - thats the crunch that got me out

I think he's starting to panic that he is losing his control over you. He probably expected you to beg more and "force" him to go to the wedding, but instead you've said "Fine", sorted it, and not covered up for him, so he's freaking out. And escalating. This "we are not in a good place" crap and going to his dad's is just more manipulation. He's trying to unsettle you and make you feel insecure when it's actually him who is feeling insecure and wanting you to prove your loyalty to him by getting upsetting and begging him to stay. Don't give him that.

I recently went to my BF wedding, hubby said all along he wouldn't go. I told her, he doesn't do weddings etc, she didn't bat an eyelid as I told her from day 1 he wouldn't go. I was her witness, I took my grown up son instead

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Call his bluff OP!!

He wants to have a break from you because you told your friend he didn’t want to go, which is what he’s been telling you for ages!

I hope you can see how manipulative he’s being and I really hope you don’t fall for it.

Please keep posting on here as he’ll know exactly how to twist things to make you feel guilty.

the awful thing you did to him was not putting him at the forfront of everything you do. That wedding is someone elses. AND you are a bridesmaid. Where is his part to be centre stage in that?

Yep!!

I’m sure he will try other tactics soon too - like her caring more about her friend/a wedding than him, it must be another man at the wedding that she’s trying to impress, she obviously doesn’t love him, he’s not feeling well and worried it’s serious, he’s having some young woman flirting with him at work etc.

The more these men feel like they’re losing control, the more manipulative they will be.

So proud of you OP ❤️

You are an adult and he is not your parent. You are allowed to go to a friends wedding without him trying to put a downer on it.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Embrace it. Agree with him whole heartedly and tell him to go. Your marriage is already broken so you won't make it worse by doing this. Take back control of your life, of your future. It will be a better one with him gone.

He's trying to scare you. Total narc. Call his bluff.

Does he do this sort of thing when it's a day you would enjoy?
I had an ex that would always cause an argument before my birthday or Christmas etc so we didn't have to do anything. Or would make things unpleasant before I was going on a hen weekend etc so I couldn't enjoy myself. It was only afterwards I could see the control etc Get out now if uou can as he won't change and will become more manipulative.
They always want people to see them in a good light...even tho they are shits!

Her dh does do weddings. Just only his family and friends. Your dh is probably ok apart from that.