DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

sorry I have just caught up and read the full thread. Yeah....it doesn't sound good - sorry. Enjoy yourself with your mum.xx

And this too. So juvenile and lacking in dignity.

Absolute arsehole, please just ignore this behaviour as it's designed to manipulate you and make you feel like shit for a situation of his doing.
Just say that he made it very clear he didn't want to come and that you were not willing for your best friend to be out of pocket due to his petulant behaviour, make it clear that is the end of the discussion -be sure to speak to him like the child he is behaving.
And definitely ditch this prick.

This post really nails it. You were supposed to beg him and be so grateful he came in the end 'for you'. Instead you have been proactive and sorted it out without centering him and he will be pissed.

Honestly I know its hard OP but you need to get out of there.

this is him starting on plan B - making you not want to go or be miserable while you are there. total manipulation

I would ensure your child is safe with your other friend for the wedding day because you can bet he will have some immense issue with 'child is ill' or some such reason to call you away from the wedding and spoil it for you.

I would present it as 'I've arranged child to go to (friend), that way it leaves you free to have a day to yourself too; you won't have to worry about sorting food, or bedtime or anything, it'll be so much easier for you, I'm sure you'd like to go out with your friends or something.'

As pp have already said, you need to keep your phone switched off during the wedding because he will try to ruin the day for you. Be prepared for some kind of ‘emergency’ to arise when you are unavailable.

Say nothing to him about making plans to leave until you are ready. He will probably become nasty once he realises that you are breaking up with him for good. He’s very typical of an emotional abuser and I’m another person who recommends you read ‘why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft. It’s also a good idea to get advice from Women’s Aid on how to leave safely.

Cut to the chase and bin him now. Or live with the selfish little man child for some more years, maybe have another child with him, and then split up. You'll probably still be short of money but much more stressed and sad. It doesn't sound as though he can be bothered with family life anyway, and he's mean to you. Case closed.

Oh no you didn’t cancel going and so now he’s having to try a different tactic!

Let me guess, he will soon start saying that you care more about your friend/the wedding than you do about him.

He’ll soon start saying that you’re glad he’s not going and you never wanted him to go in the first place.

Do not rise to it.
Tell him that he chose not to go and perhaps next time he will stick to his promise.

Do not get into big discussions over it, as he’ll know exactly what to do and say to make you feel bad.

this also is classic. Its the 'I dont think this relationship is working' bollocks. designed to worry you that he might want to break up.

He again will be expecting you to beg, because what else could be worse than losing the Big Prize

Watch him change tack again if you said 'you know, I think you are right'

100% - there will be an emergency with your child, if he is babysitting.

Am I the only one worried that he might harm the child, just so he can call from hospital with an emergency?

I posted on here the other day.

My friends ex didn’t harm the child, but he did take her to A&E because she had a fit.

The doctors never found anything wrong with the child and it just so happened that the child had a fit at the exact time we were in Tesco and my friend had no signal for 30mins.

I can’t guarantee he lied but he had made excuses as to why she couldn’t go before then (he had to work, then the car broke down, his dad was coming around etc) and it ended in him blaming her for going out without him and the child, and then her not seeing to me again because she blamed me.

Depending on how old the OP’s child is, I can definitely see him saying they’re unwell.

It is common for men to punish their DP by hurting a child which is such a scary thought.

@Strawberrysaucee - the above post has absolutely nailed it. It's 100% spot on💯

Yes, this jumped out at me from an earlier post by OP:
‘At the hen do he said it was nothing to do with me going out and he was pissed off that our child wasn't giving in to sleep and that was my fault as they had had a cat nap at lunch time (had been poorly).’
Such a bad attitude towards an ill little child as well as towards OP.

I wouldn't trust him to mind DC the day of the wedding as I suspect DC will need urgent medical care, a big rush to hospital but doctors unable to confirm what's wrong. That or your husband has sudden invisible emergency that means he cannot care for DC, ruining your day.

I also wouldn't trust that your outfit for the day isn't suddenly missing, stained or ruined. I wouldn't trust him with anything. I would wait until he was out, pack whatever you need the week before and leave it at your mum's and get ready there the morning of the wedding, and get childcare to collect DC from there too. I wouldn't tell him any of my plans, wouldn't mention the wedding again and be seriously considering if I wanted to remain in the relationship.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Maybe have a read of this too, Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that?

Be careful OP. Anger is the next weapon he will use to try to bring you back under control.

Grey rock is the answer. Enjoy the wedding

Hmmm, I had one of these. Let me share some thoughts about mine.

He got more pleasure from spoiling events than he ever got from seeing me have a nice time. This is why important dates that are hard to replicate get ruined - birthdays, Xmas, Valentine, weddings etc

Another poster suggested he may 'change his mind'. Tough shit. Mine tried this. He refused to go to dinner at my friend and her hubby's home over Xmas. They had never met him and he let them down that morning. I got out in front of it, told my friend immediately and told her the truth. They were lovely about it and asked a couple of other friends to join us so I wouldn't be a third wheel. He was very put out when he 'decided' he'd come after all, I told him he'd been uninvited and I went without him. We had a lovely night.

Do not cover for him. Ever. Real friends will not judge you for his actions, (although they may question why you're still with him). Mine was stupid enough to admit that he'd planned to change his mind about coming to the dinner after giving me a 'good talking to' first. WTAF? I even cancelled one arrangement in front him. I phoned my friend as soon as he started this shit. His face was a picture.

He pulled this trick every time. He never actually met any of them. I refused to remake the arrangements. If he let them down once, that was once too often. These men don't expect you to take the reigns. It throws them off. You're supposed to tappy lap after them trying to persuade them to change their mind. Sod that nonsense. He won't be missed from the wedding or anything else. At least you can relax knowing he won't pull some stunt and spoil it for you.

This will never end. I believe men like this hate women and enjoy hurting them. It's not normal. You will spend your life managing, dodging and anticipating this bullshit at every corner.

I know you feel vulnerable because you have a child. I didn't have any and I won't pretend to know how daunting it may feel to leave him. However, what I would say to you and any other women in this position is this; if he left you and you had no choice in the matter what would you do?

Think about this properly. You don't need a 30 year plan but say, the next few years. The early days are not about aspirational living. The rest can follow in time.

*How much money do you need to cover bills and where can you economise?
*What's the most cost effective way to live? If your child is very young could you start with a small flat?
*Could you live somewhere you wouldn't need a car?
*What skills do you have to maximise your income?
*Find out how much child maintenance he would be required to pay.
*Check the online calculators for benefits entitlements. ?

Remember - if he left you, you would have to manage. If you can figure out what you would do if you had no choice, then you have a strategy that gives you a choice xx

But he is looking after your child right?

Keep the childcare arrangements in place for the wedding and divert all calls/messaged from him during it or give your friend someone else's number that is attending in case of emergency. Sounds like he could be controlling and coercive if he ruins your nights out

Ask him whose fault that was and then tell him to grow up!

No. Not if needs be.

Keep childcare in place or you'll get no peace

The writing was already on the wall. How predictable. He put you in a place where you would have to deeply embarrass and probably humiliate yourself by giving excuses to your friend which would sound like pathetic lies but you called his bluff and were honest with your friend which he wasn't expecting. Now most probably you are going to have a great time which is not right because he tried to sabotage it.

No matter what happens you can never be right. You'll do exactly what he wants (as you just did!) and he'll ALWAYS decide that it was the wrong thing just to mess up with your mind.

Oh I missed this.

@Strawberrysaucee you really can’t take the risk of having him look after DC.

I bet my life savings he will invent something to completely ruin your time. DC will have a “dreadful fever that warrants A&E” or similar.

Tell him DC has been invited for sleepover at X house that night.

"We're not in a good place"

Well he's right about one thing at least!

This is why women find it difficult to leave selfish abusive twats. Op has been patient while he guilts her and tries to cut her off from her friends. His behaviour is abusiveand noone needs to be patient and tolerate it. He had time to decide he was not going before accepting the invitation, but no, that would not have nearly the same impact, so he waits and creates a situation for op. This marriage belongs in the bin.