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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and best friends wedding

618 replies

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 07/09/2024 09:20

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 09:18

He said he would have gone 'for me' because he 'loves me' but it was too late as I had already messaged me friend

This is bollocks. He's saying it now because he knows it's sorted.

Just say with a smile how much you are looking forward to going with your mum and what an amazing day it will be with everyone.

And make plans to leave him asap.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 07/09/2024 09:22

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 09:18

He said he would have gone 'for me' because he 'loves me' but it was too late as I had already messaged me friend

If he loved you he wouldn't have been a twat about it in the first place.

Hollietree · 07/09/2024 09:24

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 09:18

He said he would have gone 'for me' because he 'loves me' but it was too late as I had already messaged me friend

You know that this is a barefaced lie! He told you he would not be going to the wedding because he didn’t want to.

He has spun this around to you being the unreasonable one and he is the victim 🤯 I hope you can clearly see how manipulative he is being? How do these bloody men think they can get away with this behaviour. Please open your eyes and see what he is doing here.

commonsense61 · 07/09/2024 09:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Cural · 07/09/2024 09:57

So predictable. Have a lovely day OP, don't let him sabotage it.

Codlingmoths · 07/09/2024 10:05

I hope you looked suitably disbelieving! ‘Oh really dh? Could have fooled me, in fact you fooled me completely. There was me thinking it’s blindly obvious you hate the idea of my having fun, and here you say you love me. Some inherent conflict there.’

SpiderGwen · 07/09/2024 10:09

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 09:18

He said he would have gone 'for me' because he 'loves me' but it was too late as I had already messaged me friend

He really is a Grade A git, isn’t he? I’m glad you see through this nonsense.

Original poster
Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 10:22

he's moping around now. Saying he feels like 'we are not in a good place' and acting all sad. wtf

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 10:22

And saying 'well you done it now, so it's done, you told her I wasn't coming and that's that' then walking around all sad

OP posts:
justasking111 · 07/09/2024 10:24

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 10:22

And saying 'well you done it now, so it's done, you told her I wasn't coming and that's that' then walking around all sad

He's worried that your friend, mum and others have rumbled him that's all

Needhelp101 · 07/09/2024 10:24

Just ignore him. Seriously.

alrightluv · 07/09/2024 10:25

He sounds so damned attractive 🤣

How old is he 5?

pictoosh · 07/09/2024 10:28

Sheer manipulation.
How nauseating.

Campergirls1 · 07/09/2024 10:29

As expected.
He's gone too far.
He Didn't expect you to take action. You did.
He wanted you begging him.
So now he has to play victim.

He is a text book abuser.
Just like they threaten to self harm when their victims wantoto leave.

You need to read "Why does he do that?".

Rest assured he will get very angry soon when you don't capitulate.

Refuse to discuss it. Say it is done and absolutely no point in discussing it.

You need to stop being confused.
There is no confusion at all.

He is following the abusers playbook of moves.

He will try every tactic, sadness, victimhood, rejection, attacking you, accusations of affairs, anger, threats of self harm, ......all to see which one will work to bring you back into his control.

He is a very bad man.

pictoosh · 07/09/2024 10:33

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

He is right. You are not in a good place. That's because he's an arsehole.
Don't change your reality to soothe him. He had no such care for you.

Campergirls1 · 07/09/2024 10:34

His sole concern will be to try to spoil this.
Get you not to go.
Make so much drama and upset.

He will be very worried about what you tell people.

Days of refusing to go, causing you pain and upset.

The minute you confirm that he will not attend he says he would have gone.

So now you know it was all to stress you and to ruin the day for you.

You tell everyone EXACTLY what he has done.
No doubt your friend knows what a prick he is.

Time others did too.
He will no doubt ask you to say nothing, pretend he was sick.

Abusive men love secrecy. Thats how they get away with shit.

Tell everyone the truth.
YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.

Cural · 07/09/2024 10:44

Dear me, I feel embarrassed for him. Do not give an inch OP, ignore.

rainbowstardrops · 07/09/2024 10:44

Of course he would have gone with you ..... NOT!!!! He's just pissed that you've sorted the situation and you're still going!

Leafygreen84 · 07/09/2024 10:45

OP, ignore. Do not take him on with this behaviour. He’s acting like a pathetic child. He wants attention, don’t give it to him!!

Cural · 07/09/2024 10:46

Seriously, what a way for an adult to behave.

Ellie56 · 07/09/2024 10:49

Campergirls1 · 07/09/2024 10:29

As expected.
He's gone too far.
He Didn't expect you to take action. You did.
He wanted you begging him.
So now he has to play victim.

He is a text book abuser.
Just like they threaten to self harm when their victims wantoto leave.

You need to read "Why does he do that?".

Rest assured he will get very angry soon when you don't capitulate.

Refuse to discuss it. Say it is done and absolutely no point in discussing it.

You need to stop being confused.
There is no confusion at all.

He is following the abusers playbook of moves.

He will try every tactic, sadness, victimhood, rejection, attacking you, accusations of affairs, anger, threats of self harm, ......all to see which one will work to bring you back into his control.

He is a very bad man.

This in spades.

Ellie56 · 07/09/2024 10:53

he's moping around now. Saying he feels like 'we are not in a good place' and acting all sad. wtf

And saying 'well you done it now, so it's done, you told her I wasn't coming and that's that' then walking around all sad

He is a massive twat. Just ignore him and get on with your day.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 07/09/2024 11:00

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 10:22

And saying 'well you done it now, so it's done, you told her I wasn't coming and that's that' then walking around all sad

I would just respond to that with "Yes. You told me you weren't coming and that I needed to tell her so I did."

And please, for the sake of your dc, think very strongly about getting out of the toxic environment you and your dc are currently living in.

simpledeer · 07/09/2024 11:09

This behaviour is designed to make you feel guilty and backtrack.

Do not fall for it. Either agree with him, you aren’t in a good place, maybe it’s time to split. Or just ignore his sulking and be bright and breezy.

I could not stand to live like this 💐

queenofthebongo · 07/09/2024 11:17

Hmmmm, is there a reason for it? Did he go on the stag night and see awful behaviour from the groom? Does he know something? Just thinking, it seems a bit sudden to refuse right before the wedding.