DH and best friends wedding

[Strawberrysaucee]

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

can you ask if someone else can go with you instead of him?

Have a fab time with your Mum.

I'd be planning my escape going forward.

I totally agree, you tell him you have advised friend he isn’t coming and she has given his place to someone else. Obviously this isn’t a lie.

Don’t say it’s your mum, and absolutely do not rely on him for childcare. He WILL fuck it all up for you last minute.

"My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person."

Give your friend the money to cover his meal and tell her he's not coming. Or let her invite someone else.

edited: sorry I see you have invited your mum!

He doesn’t like it because there will be attention on you. Vile man-baby behaviour.

This is lovely. Hope you have a really great day with your mum and best friend :)

Yes, but in marriage it's normal to exercise a bit of give and take in these matters.

@Strawberrysaucee

Promise us that you won't get caught up in unpleasant phone calls, messages while you are away. Give your mother your phone to answer.

Sure he’s not secretly in love with your friend?

You are right.
Not my situation, but with age I think you get fed up of give and take, though.

Definitely this. Don't tell him. I wonder how long it will be before he asks you about it.

I think it’s his sign of saying he doesn’t want to marry you. Relationships can drift, but when friends all start getting married, it’s like a sense check of whether you’d get married to current partner, in this case, judging by behaviour it’s most likely a no. Cut your losses and move on. Hope you have a lovely day without him, at least you can concentrate on the bride and not have to pander to grumpy boyfriend.

What actually is your childcare solution for this? Please don't say it's him!

He's doing this to upset you, so he's going to be really confused/annoyed when you don't mention it so will try and provoke a conversation. Just grey rock him and say that you're still thinking about it, or something else vague and non-committal.

I've heard of not reading the thread but can't you even read the title? He is her husband already!

Think he just wants to sabotage your good time OP.
Sounds like an absolute tosser. How fucking rude is he?

OP, PLEASE don't stay in a controlling relationship because of finances. I totally get that it's really tough and tight with a child but believe me it is SO much better for your child to grow up in a happy home around emotionally stable adults, but without so much materially for a couple of years while you sort yourself out, rather than in the current set-up where they are literally learning by watching you that a controlling relationship is what relationships are "meant" to be like. They will grow up and repeat the same patterns.

I know it will be tough but you will manage and you will come out so much better and stronger the other side. Do this FOR your child, rather than using them as the reason not to! Can your parents help out at all? Do they have space for you to stay? Can they lend you a deposit for the next rental? Best of luck to you OP, sounds like you have a lovely best friend and mum x

This. Make sure you have alternative childcare plans that aren’t him and don’t need a single thing from him beforehand so he can’t sabotage it for you. And then you can sound excited about going without him. That will really piss him off. At the wedding put your phone on do not disturb and put the babysitter number on vip or whatever setting it is that means that will ring/message even while on do not disturb, but anything from him won’t.

Yeah this was all part of a plan to try and stop you going.

You are supposed to pull out of the wedding in order for you to focus on him and not, god forbid, put your attention on someone else.

It hasnt worked so the next trick will be that he either a) says he is going and then changes his mind AGAIN the night before or even on the day so it is too late for you to have anyone with you or b) he will go but be in such a foul mood it ruins the event for you and the bride.

So I wouldnt mention the wedding at all. If he pushes it say that bride has now invited your mother (not you taking her as a plus one, that is an important disctintion) in his place so its too late. He cant decide that your mother is no longer invited as it isnt his event.

Really pleased you've done this!

This type of thing was one of my Dad's favourite things to do to my Mum. If we had an event with her family, he'd complain about it in the run-up and say he wouldn't go or would be rude to people if he did. Then, having worked her up to a state of high anxiety, he'd go along on the day and be absolutely charming.

By telling your friend the truth and taking your Mum instead, you've taken away his power in the situation. Look forward to the wedding now and show him he can't spoil it for you.

Please get out if you can. It was miserable watching my Mum being treated this way.

Lovely news that your friend has extended the wedding invite to your mum. I hope she really enjoys the day (might be some frantic shopping this weekend). Good luck to the bride and groom and to you getting the calm and happy life you deserve.

I’ve seen your update, I’m so glad you told your friend and you have your mum with you instead.

This is a pattern of behaviour that’s easily recognisable. Saying he’s not bothered if you go but complaining when you do, throwing a spanner in the works after agreeing to go. You deserve better.

Just a thought, is your child going to the wedding? If not I would have someone to babysit on standby as he’s so selfish he will probably go out himself and leave you in the lurch.

He said he would have gone 'for me' because he 'loves me' but it was too late as I had already messaged me friend

childcare is fine as my other good friend is thankfully around that day if needs be