About boyfriend visiting a quaker house?

[Celia24]

We've been together for a year. When we met and religion came up I told him I was atheist and asked his views he said he was agnostic but didn't actively believe or practice.

Last week, the topic came up again casually and he suggested he was spiritual although didn't fully commit to saying he believed in God. He also said he didn't really agree with atheism as it was too severe.

Then while in London this week he visited a quaker house in an amazing building he came across! He joked he didn't know they even still existed and mentioned 'you'd have no need for one as an atheist'.

I'll be honest, he has never told me if he was religious in any way and I feel a bit annoyed by this. I want to have children and I don't want to raise them in a faith because that isnt my belief though I respect others.

What a scumbag. How dare he? Time to throw this one very far back no not the pond. You deserve so much better than this.

I'm an atheist and I love old things so often go to cathedrals etc. This is my belief and my DS is also an atheist however, he attended church at school and learnt about lots of different religions. He made up his own mind.

@Celia24 you mentioned you have moved in together after just a year and are squabbling. Do you think his slightly snarky comment and your reaction to it are symptomatic of the fact that you both seem to be finding it hard to adjust to living together?

I am an atheist, but I love visiting churches etc. I even light candles in them, which makes no sense! Maybe it is hard wired into humans to want to believe there is something more and even atheists have a sliver of that.

I disagree wholeheartedly with all of the points that you have made.

Wanting your children to grow up with the free will of their own decision of which religion or not to follow is not intolerant. It’s intolerant to force a religion onto your children and expect them to grow up practicing that religion when they may choose to follow a different religion or none at all. Being intolerant means being unaccepting in your views towards other people’s beliefs. Just because the OP doesn’t follow a religion or believe in God she hasn’t said that she doesn’t think anyone else should. Only that she doesn’t want her children to be brought up in a religious family which is her personal choice. That would be the definition of intolerance. Please learn the difference before spouting falsehoods at people on the internet. More for the sake of making yourself look ignorant as opposed to making the OP look intolerant herself which was clearly your goal, albeit poorly made on your part.

Being an Atheist isn’t anti-religious that is absolutely ridiculous. Being anti-religious is to be hostile or hateful and not believing in a religion doesn’t make you hateful or hostile towards people that do. Again, it’s personal choice which everyone is entitled to.

Not believing in something that hasn’t been proven scientifically to exist in over 2000 years isn’t hateful or intolerant. You come out with all these “buzz words” that you think make you look superior and knowing but in fact it is clear you’re not.

It’s great that you have been welcomed into your local Christian community but your experience is your own and will shape the way that you live your life but that doesn’t undermine the OPs experience of religion and will allow her to form her own views and opinions based upon it.

The things that you have said about the OP show that you’re intolerant to people who want to just live a peaceful existence whilst not believing in God or religion. Being an Atheist isn’t a choice, it’s not like deciding what you want for dinner. It’s a carefully considered position much like religion and people have the right to choose to believe or not to believe. Your way is not the only way in life.

You must ask yourself does he want to raise children with you? How does he feel about your way of thinking? Leave him alone and let him explore his own path to fulfil his own needs. If he truly is the one, then you will accept him for what he is and what he believes. It is not as if it were a huge inter cultural religious change. Get with modern society where people accept other people despite the differences.

Ultimately though the beliefs of any future children are up to them. DH is atheist, I'm pagan, as far as I'm concerned it's up to DS to make his own decisions about religion and what he believes or doesn't believe. Neither I or DH push out ideas on him, and we answer any questions he has as factually as possible.

Sounds like you are worried about the relationship in the round and just focusing on this fairly minor issue as a starting point for a proper discussion.

It's as if you almost feel he's not been straight with you.

You sound super controlling. Do your future kids get to decide if they want a faith when they get older or do you get to control that too? You comment about his opinion on atheists but he isn't even allowed to visit a Quaker house without you potentially breaking up with him. I personally would have taken his comment as a joke.

It's not really up to you to decide if your future children have a faith though? I do and ideally would like my children to follow this but it's completely up to them to decide when they're old enough.

This thread is absurd. The OP is atheist and doesn't want for her future children to be raised in any specific faith. Which is totally valid.

Unfortunately, majority of religions are not really tolerant and expect their members to raise children exclusively in that faith, which makes it a big deal.

There is a big difference between agnostic and looking for faith, and while the OP might be overthinking the DP's sentence, she obviously got alerted by something, so it is a topic for her now.

I don't like labels like open-minded and close-minded thrown around, because lots of oppression is coming from religions and their close-minded approach to life.

Which is OK. The OP just doesn't want for her children to be raised in faith.

And, it doesn't mean no Christmas tree, it means no to parent teaching about (any) god as a given thing, leading them to prayers and so on.

If you marry you have to understand that people change. Even if you married a confirmed atheist they might find religion years down the line. What are you going to do .....dump them. What if your children decide to follow a religious belief? Will you disown the? Why is only your way the right way?
I have close friends of all religions. My best friend is a catholic priest, I'm pagan. Yet we get on brilliantly. It isn't an issue.

It’s seems like you are just going off one vague conversation too.

I think the first thing you need to do is have an open discussion with him about how he feels about it and why he went. Not a grilling or an interrogation though!

Also ask yourself what happens if he does find Faith? And even if he does, he may not put his views on the kids.

And that's her right. But to have this reaction to a partner simply visiting a place of worship seems very OTT - it's his right to explore what he might believe too and to express that to any future children he might have.

I guess only she can decide if that's a deal breaker!

I have to wonder what would happen if the OP changed her (non) belief structure? it does happen!

Not sure about this.

I’m a committed atheist, though brought up Baptist. My OH is lapsed Catholic. My kids went to a church school, and for a while to Sunday School too, because my Christian sister asked if she could take them. I thought that was a good idea. I wanted them to make informed choices.

We also visited a local Buddhist temple, because they asked what it was, and we’ve been to some magnificent cathedrals.

They’re adults now, and atheist, with differing levels of interest in the spiritual. Had they chosen another path, we’d’ve disagreed, and that’s okay.

“There’s only one rule that I know of: Goddammit, you’ve got to be kind.”

I think you neee to find someone who is an avowed atheist. As an agnostic I do find moments of spirituality in various practices and religions. Also that avowed atheist should be militantly against anything remotely religious as I know atheists who visit temples, churches, mosques for their beauty and/history (as an agnostic, I do). But be careful what happens if against your wishes your kids embrass religion in their teens or as adults?

or that avowed atheist has a change of heart?

Except the religion in question here is Quakism, which is about as tolerant as it gets! And the OP isn't exactly a walking advert for the tolerance of atheism either!

I think that's ultimately the problem.

Parents ‘tell their kids what to think’ from the very first minute out of the womb. Language, values, behaviour - the child soaks it all up. You can’t avoid it.

This is true. So the question is simply about what you tell them.

Indeed

Indeed.

Its such a strong reaction from OP. @Celia24 Are you sure you want to be with this man? Him visiting a Quaker house might me a red herring.

I have seen committed atheists become Christians, committed Christians become atheists, life throws up all sorts of weird situations!. In my family I am a non church going Christian married to an atheist, so far our kids are turning out to be 1 atheist and 1 Christian. Isn’t it about raising your kids to make their own decisions and to respect those of all faiths or none?

Surprisingly, it often coincides with when people have kids and a local outstanding but oversubscribed Catholic school

yup, I have seen this too.