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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Worriedmum1975 · 05/09/2024 09:27

I think you should try and speak to her and see what her plans really are. You said she gets DLA as well so her child also has some additional needs.
If you have really been abandoned then ask the campsite staff for help. Are there any other campers who could give you a lift?

Pookerrod · 05/09/2024 09:34

Going against the grain here a bit but I would call her and apologise. I would make out that it’s all my fault and that I’m so sorry to have upset her and ask her to come back, clear the air and start again.

i would then just stay on the right side of her for the rest of the holiday.

i would do all of this for your daughter. The rest of the holiday and getting home will be so stressful for the both of you if you don’t manage to sort this out with your “friend”.

Once back home I’d give her a piece of my mind and have nothing more to do with her.

helpfulperson · 05/09/2024 09:34

This is one if these where I would be interested to hear her side.

But I agree with all the others - you need to talk to her.

MikeRafone · 05/09/2024 09:34

it might be better to concentrate on op enjoying the rest of her time away

getting plans for getting home

whilst it does appear the person op has gone away with has abandoned her - the car seat being left, it’s a big clue - we don’t know if possibly this person has undiagnosed reasons why they have behaved as they have. who kniw

best to, for now try and formulate a plan

Ghilliegums · 05/09/2024 09:36

She could well have left the car seat because op might need it during the week.

Over40Overdating · 05/09/2024 09:36

This is shocking behaviour from your ‘friend’. Given the car seat move, you have to assume she is totally abandoning you.

Change the ferry booking so you can use your discount. Make it clear she can’t use the passes you shared.

There’s no relationship to salvage here, even if she comes back later with an excuse of being overwhelmed.

I’m sorry your holiday has been ruined but your priority needs to be getting your return plan sorted and ignoring here.
Inexcusable for her to abandon you and your DD in another country.

You say she loves drama so the big actions like booking somewhere else and leaving the car seat may just be her trying to get a reaction so she can feed the drama and she does intend to drive you back but don’t play her game. Sort your plans and block. End of. She’s despicable.

WitchyBits · 05/09/2024 09:36

Could it be more efficient to get the train home? Seems much more straightforward than a ferry.

TortillasAndSalsa · 05/09/2024 09:36

She's not friend treating you like that. Id be cancelling the ferry and she can make her own arrangements to get home like what you are now having to do

GuestFeatu · 05/09/2024 09:39

I would go to Disney with your free tickets. Email her and tell her she no longer has permission to use them. Just spend the day walking around looking at things, go to the shows where you sit down, and pay for a couple of line jumps for rides. It is a small park and your DD is 5, she'll enjoy a scaled down day. Couriering things back and getting the Eurostar is a good idea. Your 'friend' is a total bitch.

Tomorrowsanuthrday · 05/09/2024 09:42

Having read read I just want to say I hope you manage to sort out your plans to get home then enjoy the rest of your break. I'm sorry to say it sounds like this friendship is over. Her behaviour is absplutely despicable.

longdistanceclaraclara · 05/09/2024 09:44

How did you not hear them leave?!

You need to speak to her, find out if she is planning on coming back.

Demonhunter · 05/09/2024 09:45

This is one of the most appalling things I've read. This really is a new low for someone to do, especially to a supposed friend. To leave you in France with your daughter who she's knows has difficulties, it's a scumbag thing to do.
I agree with others @Notsurehowtoprocessthis can you maybe speak to reception and ask their advice on the best way to get to the Eurostar. It may be a little more expensive than the ferry, but the stress it could save would be worth it. Turn it into an adventure for your DD.
What a really terrible thing for her to do.

MiddleParking · 05/09/2024 09:47

She’d better not dare to use those Disney tickets.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/09/2024 09:48

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:20

Shes gone. She's taken my daughter's car seat out of the car and left it here too. İt's not even mine I borrowed it from someone in our home town.

Honestly what a bitch!
id end this “friendship”
Txt her and say you need to cancel the ferry booking and you are using your Disney tickets (even if you aren’t )
she has properly dropped on you .

cancel anything to do with her and rebook for you and your Dd. Enjoy your holiday and forget about her and her dramas.

seems like she was looking for the attention your Dd was getting .

Exasperateddonut · 05/09/2024 09:50

The ferry terminal is a bit tricky by foot in Calais as the train station is quite a way away.

The TGV to Paris and then a flight/Eurostar is probably your best and easiest solution.

Don't sit on your phone all day. Go to the campsite bakery, get a nice cake and make a plan. Then do something with your day. Don’t waste the holiday. Make plans and make the best of it. It’s a shitty situation but turn it around.

ginasevern · 05/09/2024 09:51

Any friend of mine would have to resort to murder for me to abandon them in that way, especially if she had a child with her. OP, did you say that your friend's child receives DLA? I presume therefore (unless I've got the acronym wrong) her child has some form of disability or health issue? In which case surely she would be more understanding.

Cem82 · 05/09/2024 09:51

Use your Disney passes or ask your friends to cancel them - if you are not going to use them could you resell them? Also definitely cancel the ferry - don’t pay for anything for them, she is an awful person. To have a falling out is one thing but to strand someone is completely out of order - I wouldn’t do that to an enemy let alone a friend. I would be annoyed she got annoyed at a kid having a meltdown - they’re kids that what they do!

I would cancel the ferry and let her know you are doing that and tell her the Disney tickets are cancelled (whether or not you can). Honestly with friends like that who needs enemies!

Demonhunter · 05/09/2024 09:54

I'd cancel the ferry and not tell her. Let her be stressed and stranded, she doesn't deserve any heads up for that.

Neighbours87 · 05/09/2024 09:57

Just checked skyscanner London to Paris flights tomorrow are £38

Crabcakeswin · 05/09/2024 09:59

I'm so sorry this is happening on your holiday :(

I was going to say that maybe she just wanted to separate for the rest of the holiday but would meet up at the end to drive you home, but seems like not.

If I were you I would definitely cancel the ferry and change to foot passenger tickets.

What she has done is really not on. It doesn't matter how angry, I would never ever leave a friend stranded - even more so abroad!!

Wishing you all the best for your return home. And also was thinking perhaps you could look into liftshare.com on the offchance that you can find someone to share your journey home with.

Babycatsmummy · 05/09/2024 10:00

Ghilliegums · 05/09/2024 09:17

Yes definitely spend your day sitting on your phone on mumsnet and Facebook rather than spending 15 minutes confirming things with your friend.

The OP is having a rubbish time and needs support. If MN and social media is her support then who are you to be so negative???

caffelattetogo · 05/09/2024 10:01

Sounds like you weren't suited as holiday mates. I'd chalk it down to experience and move on.
Speak to the Eurocamp rep - I bet they'll have spare suitcases in lost property.
Once you've taken the first leg of your ferry it's tough to change the return leg, even with a flexible ticket - you'll likely lose any discount.
I'd get the Eurostar and not bother with the ferry. It's a real faff as a foot passenger.

GuiltyForEver · 05/09/2024 10:06

Two more Facebook groups for you - lifts in france for everyone and Travel between UK and France - there are always people coming and going - you can contribute to fuel/tolls etc. Also try Blabla car....

Catandsquirrel · 05/09/2024 10:06

Give her a clear day and ask whether she will be driving you and your daughter home as planned. Don't be overwrought but ask her. Give her time to cool off but open the conversation so you know you've tried. If not, ask her If she plans to take the car seat. If that's not her plan it's unforgivable.

Forget Disney. Make the best of the trip on and near on the campsite. I'd speak to a rep and formulate the best plan for getting back with plenty of time. I'm sure they'll try and help. You say you have funds, if need be can you jettison the bulkiest luggage and replace the car seat when you get back? Message friend who owns it and explain first. I'd rather buy a new duvet than drag one across France. Try a courier but I wouldn't spend hours on it. It prob won't cost much less.

It may still be all out of proportion and she has left the car seat as she thinks you might need it for some reason. Try and open a dialogue but at the same time form a contingency with the help of the reps. If your friend likes drama, give her the chance to climb down. I wouldn't particularly want her as a close friend again unless there's a lot more to this but at least to get you home.

Wishitwasstraightforward · 05/09/2024 10:08

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis please consider trying to get confirmation from your "friend" that she has gone ahead and abandoned you-
Ideally via text rather than verbally?

I understand that you don't want to create any additional drama, but I think that it is important that she is put in a situation where she absolutely needs to confirm that she is doing this to you.

Without her acknowledgement there is the opportunity for her to later claim that she 'never meant it', or was 'joking' , or even that it was your idea etc..

You also might need confirmation or proof should you need help from any charities, authorities or insurance.

I also think maybe it would be worthwhile to state clearly the difficult position that it leaves you in- again so that she can't use the excuse that she thought you 'would manage', or were happy with the situation.

Deep breaths, you will get through this.