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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:28

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_3J4-Nx5GQ/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

This popped up on my Instagram. I think I really needed to hear it today.

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_3J4-Nx5GQ

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:29

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/09/2024 15:08

Do you know what would be really great? A 'helping hand for travellers' blog or thread or whatever? Covering all the natty issues that you've faced and resolved CompletedAcedProcessingThis. There were so many useful facts and tips throughout your thread.

I'm so glad that you and your daughter are safely home and also that you've been validated by your neighbours. As far as ex-fiend goes, completely blank her, say nothing at all to her - but if you're asked how your holiday was then feel free to say whatever you like.

This thread will fill up soon but congratulations to you for stepping outside your fears and really, truly, ace-ing it. Star

Ah thank you. I did think about the helping hand for travellers blog at some point as well but realised it would probably be very specific to north east France 🤣 as I wouldn't want to go anywhere else with DD until I find somewhere else really autism friendly.

OP posts:
Apolloneuro · 13/09/2024 19:43

Well done @Notsurehowtoprocessthis for not taking umbrage at the welfare check. Lots of people do, but it’s nice to see you understand why it was done.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:54

Apolloneuro · 13/09/2024 19:43

Well done @Notsurehowtoprocessthis for not taking umbrage at the welfare check. Lots of people do, but it’s nice to see you understand why it was done.

Ah thanks. They used to bother me at first, but after the evil of last week, it doesn't seem like a big deal in comparison, and I know I haven't done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Apolloneuro · 13/09/2024 19:54

That sounds a bit patronising. Sorry. Didn’t mean it to be.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:58

Apolloneuro · 13/09/2024 19:54

That sounds a bit patronising. Sorry. Didn’t mean it to be.

Aha no it didn't don't known. Honestly it's just lovely to feel someone has your back, however they express it.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:58
  • don't worry- not don't known!
OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 20:05

alrightluv · 12/09/2024 21:37

Glad you're home. It's good the neighbour can see through ex friend. Hopefully others can too?

I think so. One of my other neighbours was a bit off with me when I said who I was going on holiday with. He said he knew her. Perhaps he knew more as well. I'll ask them over the weekend as they've got the ring doorbell which faces mine. A neighbour who I'm mates with said you'd never have guessed to look at her, and that it's scary how mental health can present itself. Everyone knows everyone around here, it's proper small town mentality. I've only been here 2.5 years. I don't think she has any real friends in our area though, they're all based in the main town. Now I know why! I was having a read about altruistic narcissism earlier and the kindness and helpfulness she radiates all makes sense now. I'd never heard of it before.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 20:51

tamade · 11/09/2024 10:53

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis
I’m so impressed by you OP, your dd is so lucky.

You are probably running on adrenaline and stress right now, be prepared for it to hit you like a train when you get home and your body decides that you’re safe. Be kind to yourself then.

You were so spot on with this prediction! Processing it all now.

OP posts:
CoffeeLover90 · 13/09/2024 21:26

Just pleased to hear you're home. I just don't have the words to explain how in awe I am. At everything.
If you don't feel confident in writing a blog, in fact even if you do, writing it in a journal for DD would be an idea. Think of the life lessons she can learn from this, only rely on yourself, there's not a problem that can't be solved, stay calm, not everyone is as the seem, my mum is wonder woman... that's just off the top of my head. She'll remember the highlights I'm sure but she'd burst with pride if she knew everything you'd gone through while giving her the time of her life.
I did disneyland for the first time this year. I'm definitely booking it after Christmas because you are an inspiration. I was worried about flights etc alone with a small SEN child. But if you can do this, then I can at least try.
You're amazing.

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 13/09/2024 21:41

In a strange way, your ex-friend has done you a favour really. You didn't panic or grovel after her but stayed on holiday on your own, and overcame a string of challenges and here you both are, home safe and sound with at least a few great holiday memories - hope you can let it sink in what hurdles you've overcome this past week, give yourself the credit and be confident in planning your future travels and life with DD.

Had she not behaved like a complete tool you might have a miserable week with her anyway as she didn't sound good company to begin with, but instead you now know you can bounce back and turn a drama into a manageable situation. At the risk of sounding like a greetings card, sometimes the hard journeys lead us to a much better place. Be proud of yourself!

AuxArmesCitoyens · 13/09/2024 22:02

the kindness and helpfulness she radiates all makes sense now

But you said she had a track record of falling out with people explosively and stealing from food banks. How does that radiate kindness and helpfulness?

meercat23 · 13/09/2024 22:05

AuxArmesCitoyens · 13/09/2024 22:02

the kindness and helpfulness she radiates all makes sense now

But you said she had a track record of falling out with people explosively and stealing from food banks. How does that radiate kindness and helpfulness?

I have known people like that. Absolutely lovely, until they suddenly are not. Also there are people you can present themselves as lovely while it suits them to do so and can turn in an instance when that is what suits them.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 14/09/2024 08:17

Sorry but I have a hard time equating "this woman radiates kindness" and "I know for a fact this woman regularly spectacularly falls out with people and steals from food banks"

ICallPeopleDudeNow · 14/09/2024 10:12

AuxArmesCitoyens · 14/09/2024 08:17

Sorry but I have a hard time equating "this woman radiates kindness" and "I know for a fact this woman regularly spectacularly falls out with people and steals from food banks"

I know what you mean, but it sounds like she’s just showing people what she wants them to see.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 14/09/2024 10:16

ICallPeopleDudeNow · 14/09/2024 10:12

I know what you mean, but it sounds like she’s just showing people what she wants them to see.

Yeah I only found out about the food bank stuff the week before we went away. She's not doing that in public. And she made the falling out with people drama make it sound like she was just protecting herself from evil people. Now I know better. I was reading about altruistic narcissism and apparently it's a thing they do where they appear very altruistic and kind in public and play the victim a lot.

Anyway, today is a new day. Me and DD are heading out for the first time in England for a couple of weeks and it's sunny, even if a bit chilly. I've got clean clothes on and we're going to get some tights for school later and hopefully I can get on top of the holiday laundry and get school ready the rest of the weekend. İt'll be nice if I can cook a proper dinner at some point too as we're still grazing where I've been so wiped out.

OP posts:
ICallPeopleDudeNow · 14/09/2024 10:21

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 14/09/2024 10:16

Yeah I only found out about the food bank stuff the week before we went away. She's not doing that in public. And she made the falling out with people drama make it sound like she was just protecting herself from evil people. Now I know better. I was reading about altruistic narcissism and apparently it's a thing they do where they appear very altruistic and kind in public and play the victim a lot.

Anyway, today is a new day. Me and DD are heading out for the first time in England for a couple of weeks and it's sunny, even if a bit chilly. I've got clean clothes on and we're going to get some tights for school later and hopefully I can get on top of the holiday laundry and get school ready the rest of the weekend. İt'll be nice if I can cook a proper dinner at some point too as we're still grazing where I've been so wiped out.

Altruistic narcissism.. bingo. I agree. Have a wonderful day with your daughter! X

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 15/09/2024 13:07

I've had a little think and wondered what people would think about a travel tips blog for neurodiverse people and families. Some relatives asked me a while ago to help them find the cheapest way to get to Berlin without flying as I've used interail tickets before, which we havent done yet, but suddenly I'm excited to help them. So I was thinking about researching some different routes and finding out the ways neurodiverse families, could navigate these routes with the least overstimulation possible.

Just chilling today and trying to declutter. Dd's got her new school uniform on. I was lucky again in that I was about to go and buy it all yesterday (we have a few old bits which fit she could have used if she had gone back last week) and one of the mums said she had some to drop off, so we just bought some new tights. I honestly can't wait for some normality again even though I'm moving soon, so it's not exactly normal, but having a proper routine again amongst the packing. DD was really unsettled yesterday, and couldn't tell me why, but she's much calmer and happier today so I think she was still really overwhelmed from Disney and all the travelling! Ex friend popped up in a WhatsApp group yesterday, which I didn't know would happen if you had blocked someone, so I just said to the group I wished them well and that I had to leave, and then left the group. İt felt gross seeing her on my phone after I thought I was free from her, but glad she's gone again now. I'm still waiting to get my energy back and feel recovered from it all but feeling 100 times better this afternoon than I did yesterday.

Hope you're all doing well and having a lovely weekend.

OP posts:
TealPoet · 15/09/2024 13:10

Urgh, I hate when people pop up in random places when you think you’re free! Yay for a bit of routine and normality. A blog sounds like a lovely idea :)

Mabelthebore · 15/09/2024 13:27

Blog sounds great, I would love to read it and also to keep up with you. Find your posts lovely to read.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 15/09/2024 15:43

Travel tips for neurodivergent people/families sounds like a really good idea for a blog.

sugarrosepetal · 16/09/2024 01:31

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 15/09/2024 13:07

I've had a little think and wondered what people would think about a travel tips blog for neurodiverse people and families. Some relatives asked me a while ago to help them find the cheapest way to get to Berlin without flying as I've used interail tickets before, which we havent done yet, but suddenly I'm excited to help them. So I was thinking about researching some different routes and finding out the ways neurodiverse families, could navigate these routes with the least overstimulation possible.

Just chilling today and trying to declutter. Dd's got her new school uniform on. I was lucky again in that I was about to go and buy it all yesterday (we have a few old bits which fit she could have used if she had gone back last week) and one of the mums said she had some to drop off, so we just bought some new tights. I honestly can't wait for some normality again even though I'm moving soon, so it's not exactly normal, but having a proper routine again amongst the packing. DD was really unsettled yesterday, and couldn't tell me why, but she's much calmer and happier today so I think she was still really overwhelmed from Disney and all the travelling! Ex friend popped up in a WhatsApp group yesterday, which I didn't know would happen if you had blocked someone, so I just said to the group I wished them well and that I had to leave, and then left the group. İt felt gross seeing her on my phone after I thought I was free from her, but glad she's gone again now. I'm still waiting to get my energy back and feel recovered from it all but feeling 100 times better this afternoon than I did yesterday.

Hope you're all doing well and having a lovely weekend.

Brilliant idea. I'd love to know the details of the camp in France, etc. I have an autistic child and I am a single parent, so this sounds great. My child has been asking to go to Disney for years now but I'm not a confident person myself. I'd need to get passports etc sorted first and I've never travelled by flight before but travel by train sounds doable even if I am afraid of the ocean and the thought of the Eurostar going underneath.

I'm so glad things have turned out for the better for you and your daughter. Something tells me it was devine intervention to steer you away from a path you weren't meant to be on and on to a better one.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 16/09/2024 09:05

sugarrosepetal · 16/09/2024 01:31

Brilliant idea. I'd love to know the details of the camp in France, etc. I have an autistic child and I am a single parent, so this sounds great. My child has been asking to go to Disney for years now but I'm not a confident person myself. I'd need to get passports etc sorted first and I've never travelled by flight before but travel by train sounds doable even if I am afraid of the ocean and the thought of the Eurostar going underneath.

I'm so glad things have turned out for the better for you and your daughter. Something tells me it was devine intervention to steer you away from a path you weren't meant to be on and on to a better one.

Awwww that's such a lovely way of looking at it, thank you. I do feel like I'm in a different life now back home, than I was before, but I can't quite explain it!

İf it makes you feel any better I've taken Eurostar once in the past and the bit under the water is only 20-30 minutes max. Most of the travel is done overground. İt's so fast you're barely under there very long and it's just like going through a long tunnel mid train journey. I find the Euro tunnel much more disconcerting for some reason, but I think that's because you have to stay inside the tunnel for some time whilst embarking and disembarking.

Also, if it makes it any easier my dd's passport was here within a week of sending off the application.

You can message me and I'll give you the campsite details :) I've got a few messages to reply to still, as I've been too frazzled to do much admin, but I will get round to them all, definitely.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 16/09/2024 17:52

OP you are a really fantastic writer! We feel
like we have all been on a journey with you, you have described all of the highs and lows superbly.
It is a real gift.
I was in the car and a song came on called ‘Lost in France’ by Bonnie Tyler. It will be from way before your time, but straight away I thought of you. There is a song-along bit at the end and I joined in and thought - well you were a bit lost in France in a way but when you think about it, have been on a far more interesting and rewarding trip than if you’d been stuck with the Passive Aggressive Pilgrim much longer!
I think a Blog about your life in general
would be brilliant - you could start with the trip and go from there. I hope the afterglow of it (rather than aftermath!) sees your confidence build, health improve and hopes and dreams for the future sky rocket.
I was lost in France but found the key to pretty much everything? Feel free to use as a tagline.
Keep us posted…. and get posting!

allaloneandlost · 19/09/2024 22:58

Hope all's well :)