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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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alrightluv · 12/09/2024 21:37

Glad you're home. It's good the neighbour can see through ex friend. Hopefully others can too?

kittylion2 · 12/09/2024 21:39

Thank goodness you're home - I've been waiting for this update. I hope you and your DD aren't too wiped out!

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2024 21:58

Well done. You’re an absolute star! You’ve done amazingly well to do it all by yourself.

curtaintwitcher78 · 12/09/2024 22:25

So glad you're home. We've all been so invested in your journey, literally and figuratively!
Change your locks.
Have a lovely big long sleep before anything though. You deserve it. And well done to your daughter too. Sounds like she's been a little star.

Cural · 12/09/2024 22:41

FlowersFlowersFlowers

BMW6 · 12/09/2024 22:53

Seep well, you've done marvellously well.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 12/09/2024 23:01

Thank you so much to each and every single one of you. You've honestly made the holiday into the special thing it was. I'm actually a bit sad to be home, even if I'm relieved that the ordeal is over and I can finally give my credit card a nice long retirement. It was just such a lovely place and the people we met along the way were all so incredible. It was such a faff getting from Calais station to my house and the attitude of people suddenly changed once we got to Calais and into England and people were tutting a bit at all my luggage and having DD. I just thought 'if only you knew, I didn't consciously go on holiday via trains with suitcases and bedding!'. There were still some good people around though and the ferry crossing was really peaceful. My taxi driver from Dover was speeding like crazy, he even went into the right hand lane for a bit round some country roads, to try and speed up. I don't know what he was in such a rush for. I thought to myself 'well you did want to get home asap', but it was out of control, so I had to find my voice eventually, and ask him to slow down. I'm a bit shaken up from the last bit and DD has been really hard work and disruptive the last two days. She's obviously not coping with all the fun of the swimming pool and Disney, being taken away.

They're so strict at border control now. We got stuck for ages because they were interrogating a German lady for not having a return ticket, and it looked like they were possibly not going to let her in. I thought to myself, "it's not like she's going to try and sneak in and work illegally, she comes from a secure country!"

I'm sure I'll find something nice to do over the next couple of days :)

OP posts:
murasaki · 12/09/2024 23:09

You've done brilliantly, sleep well.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 12/09/2024 23:37

Well done, what an ordeal! You did so well coping with everything, be proud of yourself and your dd. Hope you sleep well and reflect on this to find a way forward. As you're at the same school you will see each other but hold your head up high and be the bigger person. You're clearly tough!

Tuulippes · 13/09/2024 06:54

Well done OP, you’ve had such a ( in the main) great adventure when you think about it 😊I’d do a scrap book or something to read back in the future with DD 😅 You now know you’re a brilliant problem solver too.

FrostyFlo · 13/09/2024 08:27

I realise it's going to cost you , but either get your locksmith or diy to change your lock . Madam , might have taken a key cut .
Best safe than sorry .

honeylulu · 13/09/2024 08:43

Well done OP, you are amazing! Not only did you sort a Plan B and get yourselves home, you salvaged (and indeed extended) the rest of your holiday so you could both enjoy it! I'm in awe of you. I think I would have been knocked for six when friend stormed off and left us without transport home. I reckon I would have sat and cried, then tried to go home straight away because everything was ruined. But you made a huge success out if it!

Please tell us about your day in Disney when you have the chance! How did it go? Did DD love it? Best ride/experience? Were you able to use your free tickets?

cjcghana · 13/09/2024 09:13
Star
EdithBond · 13/09/2024 09:43

Mission accomplished, OP! You did it!

Well, you’re back but perhaps still processing things.

In your most recent post you said “I had to find my voice eventually, and ask”. I think that’s the moral of your experience for us all. In times of adversity, if you let people know you’re struggling, and ask for help, even strangers will offer.

I hope this is the start of a new chapter for you and your DD (you said you’re moving home soon?), where you move forward as the strong little family who rose to the challenge: who made new friends and adapted to have a really memorable holiday.

I wouldn’t dwell on your former friend: what motivated her, what she might be saying about you, how you could teach her a lesson. Of course, guard yourself against her (give her a wide berth, change lock barrel etc). But you may find it more empowering to view her with compassion. People have to be pretty messed up to behave like that. If you rise above it (as you have done) and at least say a civil ‘hello’ when you encounter her, then you’ve behaved impeccably, and that’s all you can control. Hopefully, over time she’ll reflect on how she behaved and feel remorseful, and hopefully apologise. But if she doesn’t, there’s nothing you can do.

I’d plan some things for yourself to fill your days now your DD is back at school, to avoid a post hols slump. Maybe get a couple of good books and curl up while you recover. Plant some bulbs for spring with your DD. Or start researching your next trip. Not just the one to France, but maybe a little overnight trip to somewhere not far from where you live with a nice indoor pool. There might be autumn/winter offers for one night in a nice hotel. Or maybe a day trip somewhere. A autumn walk on a beach, nice woods or a country park. Planning little trips is quite exciting and it sounds like you both enjoy them.

JollyHostess101 · 13/09/2024 10:04

I’ve been following and so pleased you’re home!! Well done for coping with it all and giving DD a brilliant holiday!!

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 13/09/2024 10:19

the attitude of people suddenly changed once we got to Calais and into England and people were tutting a bit at all my luggage and having DD.

I remember watching Michael Palin's travels around the world and he had a hoot of a time - until he got back to England and people were so rude he said. Sad that some people here are so miserable.

Glad you are home! Bet it was lovely snuggling into your own bed

CwmYoy · 13/09/2024 10:46

Very proud of you. Flowers

Fannyfiggs · 13/09/2024 11:29

Woohoo you're home 😁

I'm glad your home but also sad cos we won't hear from you every day now 😭 but remember and tell us about Disney and keep us updated if you hear from the crazy friend.

aphroditeflighty · 13/09/2024 11:37

Just wanted to say I'm in awe of how you handled this situation. You're a credit to yourself and your daughter, and for all the challenges and emotional turmoil, you soldiered through with a great attitude. Inspirational.
Sorry you had to learn that some people are toxic and should be kept away from at all costs. No doubt a hard lesson to learn. Most normal people do not act in the way your ex-friend did !

redandyellowbits · 13/09/2024 11:42

Did your car seat make it back too? Did your campsite friend drop it off in one piece?

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 13/09/2024 11:50

Just read your whole thread and it reminded me of when my car broke down in France and we had to come home on the train. The little one had diarrhoea and the two older ones had impetigo. We looked a right mess. The pushchair fell off the luggage rack and hit them all the head and they were all crying and sobbing. The other passengers tutted and I just felt mortified and we were all exhausted long before we go home.
Anyways, well done to you, that was epic!
I echo the scrapbook suggestion because children love looking through photographs especially if you write little explanations of what was happening with souvenir tickets and receipts. If you download the snapfish app you get 50 free pictures every month. It’s a lovely way to chat and reminisce. I do it with my little granddaughters and it’s their favourite thing.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 14:42

Thanks all! I wish I could reply to the comments one by one!

I love all the little suggestions of scrapbooks and hearing your own travel experiences. I love watching Michael Palin's travel shows as well, so it's nice to hear I'm not just imagining the difference in coming back here.

It is nice to be home now though. We've just been on the sofa all day, watching things and eating. I've had to have the heating on last night, as not used to the chillier weather yet!

I've never been so tired though, I don't think, and my brain is just mush, but I think another day or two will sort it out. We've got a little neurodiverse event to go to in town tomorrow and I'm hoping I can get myself up and sorted for it. Some stretching this evening might help me get back into the swing of things!

DD was too exhausted for school, so we're going back on Monday. One of the staff came over for a welfare check. She was fine about it though and gave dd some stickers. I said I had tried to get a doc's appointment but they were all gone when I phoned at 8.40am (which is true!) and she said she will sort out about it being authorised. I told DD to cough to show her cough, but she's got selective mutism around adults, so she refused!

I will miss writing to you all every day too! I could do a little blog or something, but I don't know what I'd write about! I still owe you all a Disney update, but I want to give it my proper time and attention as there were so many details to it. I also, don't want to start a blog and then have people think I just made up this whole story to make a blog. I could prove the drama etc and that this is true, but I don't know if making a blog, might take away from the realness of just sharing it with lovely, well wishing mumsnetters. Maybe you can all let me know what you think? It has been really cathartic to keep writing, so I'd like to keep going in some way. It might just be a bit boring now we're home and our routine is go to school, potter about, school run, dinner, bed.

I really love the suggestion about having things to look forward to, small trips etc. I had actually thought when we were sitting at Calais that it might be nice to save £5 a month or something for myself and then one day use the pot to just treat myself to a day out. Sort of like a gift to my future self in a couple of years.

The house feels so cluttered after living out of two suitcases, so I think my focus will be a huge declutter before moving.

I feel safe again now. I know I've got a bit of a debt to tackle, before I can go on any trips again, but I've got a few hundred in my savings, and enough money coming in next week for the following month. I'm just going to take every day easy for a bit and try to cook and just read, watch tv, do housework, gardening and take dd on cheap days out like soft play and I've also got a cinema pass which is pretty cheap each month. I really want to improve my French as well, I'm so inspired by France after being there and the people being so helpful and welcoming (maybe not in Calais, but it can't be all good!).

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 14:55

Oh btw, I don't think I ever want to think about ex-friend ever again, but I will just say I re-activated an old Facebook account just now, because I wanted to see if any of the campsite staff were on its Facebook page who I didn't get to say goodbye to, and her profile popped up. I've blocked her now, but it looks like she was in Paris until Sunday morning in the end, so she must've taken the ferry which was part of the Eurocamp package and booked in my name! She must've gotten one of her adult children to post my keys through the door. She's making it look like she's had an amazing time, and written that she moved to a 'better' hotel, trying to degrade the campsite which I booked. People are commenting what an amazing mum she is, but I know the truth about how she really treats her dd. She can slate my campsite all she wants, but me and the people I met knew how great it was.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 15:02

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 13/09/2024 11:50

Just read your whole thread and it reminded me of when my car broke down in France and we had to come home on the train. The little one had diarrhoea and the two older ones had impetigo. We looked a right mess. The pushchair fell off the luggage rack and hit them all the head and they were all crying and sobbing. The other passengers tutted and I just felt mortified and we were all exhausted long before we go home.
Anyways, well done to you, that was epic!
I echo the scrapbook suggestion because children love looking through photographs especially if you write little explanations of what was happening with souvenir tickets and receipts. If you download the snapfish app you get 50 free pictures every month. It’s a lovely way to chat and reminisce. I do it with my little granddaughters and it’s their favourite thing.

It's horrible isn't it, the way people get huffy at you faffing, when you'd rather be doing anything but faffing! What happened to your car in the end? My ex-friend got RAC european cover, if you ever go to Europe again in a car, and apparently they fix your car, give you a replacement and put you in a hotel, if you're not close to your accomodation.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/09/2024 15:08

Do you know what would be really great? A 'helping hand for travellers' blog or thread or whatever? Covering all the natty issues that you've faced and resolved CompletedAcedProcessingThis. There were so many useful facts and tips throughout your thread.

I'm so glad that you and your daughter are safely home and also that you've been validated by your neighbours. As far as ex-fiend goes, completely blank her, say nothing at all to her - but if you're asked how your holiday was then feel free to say whatever you like.

This thread will fill up soon but congratulations to you for stepping outside your fears and really, truly, ace-ing it. Star