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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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LardoBurrows · 12/09/2024 13:32

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 12/09/2024 13:13

I had a little idea about paying off all the extra expenses of the week. Instead of opening an interest free balance transfer card and affecting my credit score, I think I could just pay it off on my next pay day in a couple of weeks and then (apart from bills), live on the card for the next month and do the same with paying myself a little bit back each month until I'm back to a full month's money in my bank.i don't know how this sounds to others, but I think it would be the best way to clear any debt and then I'm not losing anything, other than my back up credit card allowance. It means I'd always be a month behind myself with income but I wouldn't be in debt.

I think that is an excellent idea. I do the same, put absolutely everything on the credit card, except for utilities, and then just pay it off at the end of the month. I also get cash back from my bank when using my cc, so that's a nice little bonus.

MissEsmeWatson · 12/09/2024 14:19

I'm imagining minor mouse as Mickey and Minnie's baby! Don't you love spellchecker?

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 12/09/2024 15:33

LardoBurrows · 12/09/2024 13:26

I'm old school with tech in some ways, i.e. I always prefer to print out travel docs or anything important just in case the phone loses power or signal. It means you have a backup and it's often quicker to whip out and show the printed docs rather than faffing about with a phone, well it is for me anyway.

Glad to hear you are almost at Calais, now you can relax. I'm sure you are right about the nerves playing havoc with your digestive system, I'm sure things will calm down now. Hope you have a smooth crossing.

Oooh tell me about it, I really struggle with any kinda faff.

We got to Calais three hours and fifteen minutes early for getting on the little foot passenger shuttle and the ferry is also slightly delayed but hoping we can get through the next two hours without any meltdowns. I've Uber Eated a McDonald's for us to the terminal, which I didn't know was a thing. The guy arrived on a bicycle, which really warmed my heart! Sometimes the technology is a Godsend, I guess!

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 12/09/2024 15:34

MissEsmeWatson · 12/09/2024 14:19

I'm imagining minor mouse as Mickey and Minnie's baby! Don't you love spellchecker?

Haha I really wish it was a baby size balloon 🤣🤣 do their babies have names in the movies? I'm looking forward to getting home and trying to entice DD into watching lots of Disney movies with me. She's never wanted to before, but she might like to now, if we start with Mickey and Minnie !

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 12/09/2024 15:36

LardoBurrows · 12/09/2024 13:32

I think that is an excellent idea. I do the same, put absolutely everything on the credit card, except for utilities, and then just pay it off at the end of the month. I also get cash back from my bank when using my cc, so that's a nice little bonus.

Ah thanks, that makes me feel a little less reckless. I might try and close this one after it's paid and find one with some cashback!

OP posts:
dunBle · 12/09/2024 16:14

What's your credit score like generally OP? If you're not needing to apply for a mortgage, car finance or similar in the short to medium term, then taking a small hit on your credit score now to get a 0% balance transfer on a card that does cashback may still be a sensible option. You'd need to make sure that you put it in a safe place and don't use it for anything else until it's paid off (as otherwise the interest kicks in), and schedule a regular monthly payment from your bank so that the balance clears just before the 0% interest runs out. Once that's done, you can stop using your old card and start using the new one to earn the cashback instead.

The reason I suggest doing it this way is that if you're relying on being able to clear the balance of your existing card at the end of the month, and slowly get yourself back on an even keel again, there's a risk that some unexpected expenditure could mean you can't clear the full balance. Then you'd end up having to pay interest on the card, and that could end up being a vicious circle. There's a good Money Saving Expert explainer on balance transfers that explains the pros and cons (and includes a link to an eligibility checker) here: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/balance-transfer-credit-cards/#fivegoldenrules

PotterHead1985 · 12/09/2024 16:36

I shall be waiting with bated breath to hear you are in the door and relaxing with a cuppa OP. You are an inspiration to many with your resilience

MissEsmeWatson · 12/09/2024 16:49

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis I bet she will. I wish you both all the best OP, it's been quite the adventure in the end!

BlankTimes · 12/09/2024 17:40

PotterHead1985 · 12/09/2024 16:36

I shall be waiting with bated breath to hear you are in the door and relaxing with a cuppa OP. You are an inspiration to many with your resilience

Me too, and all the people following your thread.

My dd has CFS so I understand how difficult this has been for you.

You have achieved the impossible with determination and dignity Notsurehowtoprocessthis, WellDone! 🌺

Talkingfrog · 12/09/2024 17:46

MissEsmeWatson · 12/09/2024 14:19

I'm imagining minor mouse as Mickey and Minnie's baby! Don't you love spellchecker?

😂😂

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 12/09/2024 18:07

Au revoir France

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.
OP posts:
Els1e · 12/09/2024 18:11

Look a rainbow. 🌈 You've proven yourself to be a strong and resiliant woman. I would have been a lot more panicky. Hope all goes well for you and your daughter in the future. 😊

LardoBurrows · 12/09/2024 18:11

Hurrah!🎉

CarleyBup · 12/09/2024 18:23

So glad you managed to create such lovely holiday memories despite everything your ‘friend’ and life threw at you! 😊

cjcghana · 12/09/2024 19:30

Well done OP. Wishing you and your daughter lots of happiness x

RampantIvy · 12/09/2024 20:09

Et bonjour Angleterre.Three rings when you get home Grin

KeepYaHeadUp · 12/09/2024 20:22

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼 A thousand times for you, OP! I started reading in the early hours of this morning and was hooked - been keeping everything crossed for you all day. Glad to see you're homeward bound safely

LakieLady · 12/09/2024 20:27

You have been just amazing, OP. I would have been in tears at being stranded in France and had a complete meltdown about the stupid business with the keys (if it wasn't for the fact that my NDN has a spare front door key and there is also one stashed somewhere very secret outside).

You must be so glad to be home, or almost home. You deserve a nice glass (or 3) and a long soak in the bath, and give yourself a huge pat on the back.

HaveToSaySomethingHere · 12/09/2024 20:33

I have really enjoyed your writing OP. Please write a book or a blog or something! You have the gift. I almost wish you and your daughter stayed in Paris and kept sending us regular installments!

ICallPeopleDudeNow · 12/09/2024 20:56

I’ve read this all the way through @Notsurehowtoprocessthis , hope your journey home is a smooth one. You’re 100x the woman I could ever hope to be. All the best to you and your daughter x

CoffeeLover90 · 12/09/2024 21:12

If only you weren't hours from me, I'd bring you that gin you deserve! Honestly you can do so much better friends wise, I hope you know that. She's not worth the shit on your shoes.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 12/09/2024 21:29

You're all so kind, I couldn't have got home and not had a nervous breakdown without you all!

I'm so so so so tired right now. But will update you all properly on the journey properly. The last leg was a bit rough!

I've checked my home for fish sewn into the curtains etc and can't find anything untoward!

The only strange thing is the toilet seat has been left up, but the locksmith said he had dislodged the letter box getting the keys out and asked for my permission to go inside and fix it, and I'm guessing he went for a sneaky wee after...which I don't mind at all, as he's so nice and I've met him before. Either way I'll ask my opposite neighbours to check their ring doorbell footage if it stores enough days, to make sure the ex friend didn't send any men over with my keys.

Neighbour said, when I picked up the keys, 'ah yes we know what she's like.' !!! I said why didn't you tell me, but he said it was a bit awkward, which is fair enough, and also said that she could have been turning her life around so didn't want to say anything. Apparently there was lots of drugs and shoplifting in the past. Their grown up children went to school together. That might explain why she didn't want to post the keys through his door instead, if she knew she was known. Funny thing was she was really trying to tear down his niece to me a lot, who I always thought was a really lovely person, but now it makes sense if she was deflecting from things they knew about her. I'm not from this area, I just moved here with my DD as I had lived in a nearby area when I was in my twenties and knew it was good for families. I just take people at face value and thought she was a kind caring person with a bit of social anxiety and slight depression.

OP posts:
ifIwerenotanandroid · 12/09/2024 21:33

Yay! You made it!!

CoastalCalm · 12/09/2024 21:34

Utterly inspirational , so impressed you planned all this and got home safely - wishing you a very peaceful few days to recover

RampantIvy · 12/09/2024 21:36

So glad you have got home safely. Have a good night's sleep, and I hope you will feel fresher in the morning.

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