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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Noodlehen · 11/09/2024 06:13

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 10/09/2024 22:41

Thanks everyone. My neighbour is great and is going to try and fish them out for me tomorrow. He said it's pouring down tonight!

She's definitely done it on purpose as she's done it straight after we spoke and she confirmed yes she would give them to a specific named neighbour. She says she's done it on Sunday, so she's done it straight after we spoke. I know what she's like as well and it's the sort of pettiness she would play. When she broke up with her supposedly abusive ex, she hacked his email and wrote a termination letter to his landlord from his own email address.

I was tempted to tell her about herself when she said that about posting them through my letterbox, but I was trying to enjoy with DD. I went through a whole load of things I could do to pay he back- I have a date and time of when she shoplifted, i know she collects stuff for a foodbank and nicks the best stuff for herself, I know she isn't as socially anxious as she pretends to be to claim disabilities, and I know she had an alcoholic boyfriend around her child a lot. But I just don't care enough any more. She's shocked me, as part of me was thinking maybe she's just tired and made a mistake with over reacting, but today she's shown how nasty she actually is.

There are a lot of drips about how awful this woman is and each one makes me question why you was around her, and had her around your child.

CarleyBup · 11/09/2024 06:30

Good luck with the trip home.

It’s very easy to get sucked in by someone with a narcissistic personality style. It can take years to come out of the fog they create by gaslighting and love bombing. Good that you see her so clearly now.

I can’t believe anyone would do what she did - just awful. Hope your neighbour manages to get the keys for you but if they don’t may be book a locksmith to change the lock. More expense though sadly.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 11/09/2024 07:06

@bigoldmoneypit i would be astonished if eurostar let you use your staff discount for online randomers who for all.you know could be spinning an elaborate sob story

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2024 07:16

Bigoldmoneypit · 11/09/2024 05:43

I work for the railways and get discounts on Eurostar as well as uk trains (not sure where you live obviously!)

if I can help at all please let me know

That’s such a kind offer. I think it’s a little late now.

I’ve been following your thread op, not commented much but I wanted you to know just how fabulous you are being. I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue so I know just how debilitating it can be. I hope you don’t get too much post exertional fatigue. This woman is truly vile to have put two vulnerable people through such an ordeal.

I think Math has got it spot on. She may be a sociopath. I would also change your locks. She could have made copies.

Whatwouldnanado · 11/09/2024 07:20

The best of luck with your journey home. You are remarkable and you and your daughter deserve so much better. Change locks, smile and block ignore all future contact. I hope you keep in touch with the lovely likeminded families you met away. Harness the confidence you have gained and rise above that monster’s nonsense and have nothing more whatsoever to do with her.

pottymouth40 · 11/09/2024 08:11

i know she collects stuff for a foodbank and nicks the best stuff for herself

Just this alone would make me sever all contact with a person. In future pay attention to red flags like this when letting someone get close to you - IMO this is a good marker of how nasty and dishonest someone is. I’m shocked.

It sounds like you’re a shy, quiet type and you’ve been a little in her thrall. You don’t deserve any of what’s happened but it seems you have ignored bad character traits such as this in order to have the “fun” she brings to your life.

Ive been taken in by a narcissist before so I do understand how they present themselves as being lovely but once I started to get alarm bells ringing I listened to my gut and got away.

You’ve handled all of this very well and I hope you’ve managed to get home ok and wish you and your daughter luck for the future.

Secradonugh · 11/09/2024 08:11

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 11/09/2024 00:15

I can't sleep, I've just been reading up about narcissists. It seems to me her anger turned towards me once I started getting more and more confident over the last few weeks and self assured. Been going through some amazing online therapy and it had been making a huge difference. I've been nothing but myself with her but seems she didn't like that. I think I'm grieving the friend I thought I had.

Look up borderline personality disorder as well. Not saying that people with BPD are narcissists but the two are sometimes mis-diagnosed as the other. However She will believe she is in the right, no matter how wrong. The best you can do is have as little contact with her as possible, and if someone asks you about the holiday, just be honest. Eventually honesty will always win, it just takes a while for people to see through the lies. (Like it did for you). You've now picked up on the warning signs (like leaving mess, like getting in a huff and not having any empathy)... it just means you can activate your shield sooner.

Doggymummar · 11/09/2024 08:27

What an absolute b word. Knowing how tired you will be when you get home. She deserves what's coming her way.

Poppins21 · 11/09/2024 08:37

Ted22 · 04/09/2024 22:46

Your friend is horrible if she does this to you.

Yes! She is not going to leave you stranded without transport? I can not imagine doing this to my friends.

But if she does just not come back on collect your guys to take you home, I am sure the campsite staff will help you get home.

afrikat · 11/09/2024 08:54

Poppins21 · 11/09/2024 08:37

Yes! She is not going to leave you stranded without transport? I can not imagine doing this to my friends.

But if she does just not come back on collect your guys to take you home, I am sure the campsite staff will help you get home.

The thread has moved on since the OP first posted

Poppins21 · 11/09/2024 08:58

afrikat · 11/09/2024 08:54

The thread has moved on since the OP first posted

Thanks I noticed 50 pages after I posted :-)

I assume the friend turned out to be a total dick?

Snazzysausage · 11/09/2024 08:58

I've been following this and it's jaw dropping how nasty and vindictive the "friend" continues to be. I hope she or whoever shoved the keys through the letter box has not entered the op's property.If the neighbour can get the keys perhaps they could just walk round inside to check everything looks ok.I wouldn't put much past anyone who can just abandon a friend with a small child in a different country.

OttersAreMySpiritAnimal · 11/09/2024 08:58

Thinking of you today. Hope all goes well and soon you'll be home safe and sound, feet up and cosy. Only a few more hurdles now.

LookItsMeAgain · 11/09/2024 09:05

I hope your travels home were/are uneventful and that you can finally get back to your bed and have a long hot bath and be surrounded by your things.

I'd like to add that I've been following your thread and I think you've dealt with this bizarro ex-friend and her behaviour with such flair. You are confident (you might not feel it inside but you are) and you managed to deal with something that could have sent many many people into a stress spiral. You're a great mother to your girl and you will get to do Disney at some stage, it just wasn't meant to be for this one, but you got to do something better (in my opinion), you got to go to the Paralympics!!!

Keep on keeping on!

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 11/09/2024 09:17

Snazzysausage · 11/09/2024 08:58

I've been following this and it's jaw dropping how nasty and vindictive the "friend" continues to be. I hope she or whoever shoved the keys through the letter box has not entered the op's property.If the neighbour can get the keys perhaps they could just walk round inside to check everything looks ok.I wouldn't put much past anyone who can just abandon a friend with a small child in a different country.

Thank you, I am also nervous about what she might have done inside my house.

I should have seen the little red flags, yes, I think she just made me feel sorry for her, with all the little devious things it seemed she had to do to survive, but I've learned my lesson and what to look out for now.

To the pp who said about Eurostar, please message me if that's still a possibility. I'm so tired, I ran out of logistical planning energy, and DD was ill, and we did fit Disney when she was better (which was amazing btw, even if i did completely blank out for the entirety of the snow white ride in in the end yesterday in complete horror at the text I received about my keys!) and I've had to extend the stay, just so i dont get burnout from all the booking and rushing around, but looking to book a train for tomorrow from the Disney train station.

DD was supposed to be back at school on Tuesday. She had four days off and I was going to get her back in time to not get a fine. She's never had holidays in term time before, but this was once in a lifetime which I explained to school. They didn't authorise it but I let them know. I've called in to say she's still poorly...which is technically true as she's still coughing. I'll explain to them properly when we get back. I'll probably get the fine, but hey what's another 80 quid on top of the hundreds I've had to spend to resolve this all. 🤣

I've got a locksmith number on my phone from getting locked out once (before anyone says anything, fibro brain fog- he changed the lock for me to make it harder to get locked out), so I'll get in touch with him if my neighbour can't get the keys up. I'll ask him to change the locks anyway, as have the old lock still in a drawer. I needed to swap them over anyway, to take my 'special' lock to the new house when I move.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 11/09/2024 09:20

LookItsMeAgain · 11/09/2024 09:05

I hope your travels home were/are uneventful and that you can finally get back to your bed and have a long hot bath and be surrounded by your things.

I'd like to add that I've been following your thread and I think you've dealt with this bizarro ex-friend and her behaviour with such flair. You are confident (you might not feel it inside but you are) and you managed to deal with something that could have sent many many people into a stress spiral. You're a great mother to your girl and you will get to do Disney at some stage, it just wasn't meant to be for this one, but you got to do something better (in my opinion), you got to go to the Paralympics!!!

Keep on keeping on!

We made it to Disney yesterday! I had a lovely post planned in my head all day with all the things I wanted to share with you all and how amazing it went and all the tips I managed to pick up and then I got that keys text and I feel broken. Just resting in a cheap hotel nearby now and gearing up to try and get home tomorrow.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 11/09/2024 09:23

Oh that's brilliant that you managed to do both the Paralympics and Disney! You have strength that you probably didn't even realise you had.

Safe travels home.

Trobealone · 11/09/2024 09:29

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis

Its probably going to sound a bit judgemental of me, but my child has ASD and I’d definitely want him in school at the beginning of term to help him with routines/introductions/settling in…

Trobealone · 11/09/2024 09:31

Did your friend return earlier to get back in time for start of term? Was she concerned about that?

Demonhunter · 11/09/2024 09:31

From a fellow fibro sufferer, I think you've done beyond amazing to keep going, having the physical and mental power to resolve all of this, while being active and present for your DD for so many days in a row, with no chance of respite to recharge.
It's truly inspiring @Notsurehowtoprocessthis

Livingtothefull · 11/09/2024 09:55

Your ex-'friend' is poisonous OP and may even be dangerous, she is that bad. Have nothing to do with her ever again, keep far far away. And I am glad you are following the advice of other posters on here: to change your locks.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 11/09/2024 10:04

Trobealone · 11/09/2024 09:31

Did your friend return earlier to get back in time for start of term? Was she concerned about that?

No she doesn't believe in school much.

@Trobealone I understand that can be a necessity for some children. They spent months last term preparing the children for going into year one and have done quite a few days going into that classroom in July. So much so that DD was dreading it. She struggles with school so I'll probably be pushing for a part time schedule when we get back. She also did four weeks of holiday club, three days a week, and I feel the break from the pressure has done her good. She has some PDA and ADHD symptoms so the lack of free flow play is difficult for her at school.

OP posts:
OhNotAgainTimothy · 11/09/2024 10:13

So it sounds like your friend has paid for her own ferry crossing if she was at home by Sunday?
I expect she will be telling everyone about that extra expense you ‘caused’ for her. 🙄

zingally · 11/09/2024 10:15

Wow... I've read through this, and the ex-friend is an absolute banana-cake!

OP, it sounds like you are very well rid of her! What a loon.

sandyhappypeople · 11/09/2024 10:16

You're going to be paying through the nose for Eurostar now OP, you needed to have booked it days ago, anything less than two days is really inflated in price.

Cheapest tomorrow seems to be £378, if you can come back Friday it's cheaper, and if you can get back to Gare Du Nord by bus, it may be cheaper still on Friday. But if you need to travel tomorrow it will be expensive (the difference between travelling from Chessy vs Gare du Nord tomorrow is only £7 so you may as well travel from where you are tomorrow if that is your only option).