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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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sandyhappypeople · 05/09/2024 13:33

I've just been googling luggage in Paris and there seems to be a chain of stores called 'Rayon D'Or Bagages' that sells cheap baggage, there are multiple locations around paris, there are a few people online recommending them as a place to get cheap luggage, Rolling suitcases start at 19.90

www.google.co.uk/search?sca_esv=6cc63e0e79611188&tbs=lf:1,lf_ui:4&tbm=lcl&q=Rayon+d%E2%80%99Or+paris&rflfq=1&num=10&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwigr6Df5quIAxW6RUEAHS2EE1EQjGp6BAgkEAE&biw=1912&bih=964&dpr=1#rlfi=hd:;si:;mv:[[48.8824301,2.3678117],[48.826368200000005,2.2730104;tbs:lrf:!1m4!1u3!2m2!3m1!1e1!2m1!1e3!3sIAE,lf:1,lf_ui:4 Rayon d’Or paris - Google Search]]

NotAgainBrian · 05/09/2024 13:34

Wow. I'm sorry but your friend is a massive arsehole, I can't believe how she's treated you! All because your daughter had a meltdown because she's autistic? Sounds like you dealt with it as best you could and in return she's done this to you. She's definitely not a friend, I wouldn't be giving her the time of day after this.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 13:35

afrikat · 05/09/2024 13:32

OP, definitely visit guest services if you go to Disney. We got a Disability Access Pass for my son 2 years ago even thought we had zero evidence of his ASD. We just explained the difficulties he would have with queuing. I know they have tightened things up in the last few years but it's worth a shot

https://disneyland.disney.go.com/guest-services/disability-access-service/

Okay thank you so much.....I have quite severe hypermobility and I'm on limited capacity to work because of this, I'm wondering if I can show this for an access pass due to my own inability to stand for more than thirty seconds. I can walk fine for short periods, my joints just can't handle standing up still and I need to sit down often. I don't have my pip processed yet just the limited capacity to work. I don't think I have anything on my phone for my daughter as all the doctors reports I have are at home in a drawer.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 13:36

sandyhappypeople · 05/09/2024 13:33

I've just been googling luggage in Paris and there seems to be a chain of stores called 'Rayon D'Or Bagages' that sells cheap baggage, there are multiple locations around paris, there are a few people online recommending them as a place to get cheap luggage, Rolling suitcases start at 19.90

www.google.co.uk/search?sca_esv=6cc63e0e79611188&tbs=lf:1,lf_ui:4&tbm=lcl&q=Rayon+d%E2%80%99Or+paris&rflfq=1&num=10&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwigr6Df5quIAxW6RUEAHS2EE1EQjGp6BAgkEAE&biw=1912&bih=964&dpr=1#rlfi=hd:;si:;mv:[[48.8824301,2.3678117],[48.826368200000005,2.2730104;tbs:lrf:!1m4!1u3!2m2!3m1!1e1!2m1!1e3!3sIAE,lf:1,lf_ui:4 Rayon d’Or paris - Google Search]]

Oh that's great thank you! I'll try and get one if I've got the mental energy to make it to the athletics on Saturday!

OP posts:
Testina · 05/09/2024 13:40

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 13:32

I'm really hoping this is the case. İf we see them at Disney I'm just going to have to quickly shield them from view of my DD or she will be hurt.

I think you’d be better off telling your child today that your (ex) friend found it overwhelming sharing a caravan together, and decided to go on a different holiday. There’s zero chance she won’t know that the other kid went to DLP for 4 nights!

simpledeer · 05/09/2024 13:40

I’m sorry I don’t have any practical advice, but your ex friend is a total fucking bitch.

I hope you manage to salvage some lovely memories with DD from this holiday.

afrikat · 05/09/2024 13:47

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 13:35

Okay thank you so much.....I have quite severe hypermobility and I'm on limited capacity to work because of this, I'm wondering if I can show this for an access pass due to my own inability to stand for more than thirty seconds. I can walk fine for short periods, my joints just can't handle standing up still and I need to sit down often. I don't have my pip processed yet just the limited capacity to work. I don't think I have anything on my phone for my daughter as all the doctors reports I have are at home in a drawer.

So weirdly enough having done some reading into the recent changes / firming up of how they issue passes, they seem to be more focused on cognitive challenges such as autism more than physical difficulties. So personally I would explain you both have challenges, show any evidence you have for yours but also explain clearly why queuing would be challenging for your daughter, even if you don't have the evidence. When we got the pass we had absolutely zero evidence with us, we literally explained he had ASD and finds too much sensory input difficult. He also stims alot, especially when in high sensory environments and he stimming manifests as jumping up and sideways and alot of flapping which can be hard to manage in a long queue. We got the pass no problem

YoucancallmeBettyDraper · 05/09/2024 13:55

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 13:35

Okay thank you so much.....I have quite severe hypermobility and I'm on limited capacity to work because of this, I'm wondering if I can show this for an access pass due to my own inability to stand for more than thirty seconds. I can walk fine for short periods, my joints just can't handle standing up still and I need to sit down often. I don't have my pip processed yet just the limited capacity to work. I don't think I have anything on my phone for my daughter as all the doctors reports I have are at home in a drawer.

Seriously, phone ahead, explain the situation and ask to talk to someone senior about it. That avoids you getting there and being disappointed. I’m sure they’d do everything to help.

CormorantStrikesBack · 05/09/2024 13:59

Have you got the nhs app and if so are there any doctor letters relating to your DD’s autism you could show Disney? If not and you don’t get a pass I agree go anyway, at her age your Dd will like seeing the characters and the castle and the parade. You don’t have to go on the rides.

Smartish · 05/09/2024 14:01

Sorry to be negative but they are extremely strict about passes and you have to have the evidence from a list of options on their website.

Inthedeep · 05/09/2024 14:06

There is a huge shopping centre near Disney called Val D’Europe, they have a Primark, it may sell suitcases. Alternatively they have a huge Auchan (Supermarket) which definitely will sell them. Alternatively order one on French Amazon and ask reception if you can have it delivered to them.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 05/09/2024 14:06

If you’ve got a few days, it might be worth going on Amazon and getting a delivery to the campsite. I can go on Amazon dot fr and my phone gives me an option of translating the page, dh did this in Spain a few years ago when something broke and he needed a replacement. The camp staff might help you.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 05/09/2024 14:06

Sorry the above was about getting a new suitcase. Might be much easier than trying to take multiple buses/trains.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 05/09/2024 14:08

Trekking around Paris with your daughter in tow to find a cheap suitcase (and the Rayon d'Or shops are not in the nice part of town, sensory overload central) is nuts. Go to the big Carrefour at Marne la Vallee and get something like this for 25 euros. Order it in ahead of time if you have to.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 05/09/2024 14:10

If you get PIP you can upload that. The LCWRA letter might be accepted at guest services but i don't think it's on their list. It is 100% worth a shot though.
I'm not always amazing at answering the questions right. Usually I get a green pass but sometimes I accidentally get a grey one where I'm banned from all the good rides and have to go back to guest services.

lavenderlou · 05/09/2024 14:21

Flixbus has an overnight coach available Monday night from Disneyland Paris to London which would be cheaper than the Eurostar.

lavenderlou · 05/09/2024 14:23

Or try BlaBla car

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 05/09/2024 14:27

Amazon will deliver a suitcase by Saturday I am sure

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 05/09/2024 14:29

My DD was talking about self harm she was so overwhelmed by it all

Your 5 year old was talking about self harm?? What? Well, that knocks everything else into a cocked hat - what will you do long-term about this?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 05/09/2024 14:31

Unfortunately that is pretty common for lots of autistic children. Have a look at all the huge swathes of support available for autistic children like access to CAMHS etc.
It is fairly abysmal.

Jellyslothbridge · 05/09/2024 14:34

You can enjoy a day at disneyland without going on any rides and it sounds like you are near and may be able to use the tickets ( you will find out if friend has ignored your request not to use tickets)

ilovesushi · 05/09/2024 14:34

Sure you have got lots of good advice already, but I would be tempted to follow the simplest options possible for your own sanity and your DD's needs. Do you need to bring everything back with you? Can you just bring essentials back? If you are enjoying the campsite, I'd maybe just chill there rather than face an uncertain/ expensive journey and stay at Disney. I don't know what you do about the car seat. Maybe message the friends that lent it. It might be that it was just cluttering up the garage and they don't need or want it anymore. Try and enjoy the rest of your holiday. Your friend is clearly dealing with her own issues and is not able to be a good friend to you at the moment - or maybe is revealing her true colours x

Billybagpuss · 05/09/2024 14:37

Make sure you tell dad gently before school starts again, if they are at school together it will slip out.

IAmTooOldFor · 05/09/2024 14:38

I get that you’re having a hard time of it and needed to put your daughter first but I don’t think you’re practicing what you preach when it comes to empathy. Your friend’s child was injured badly enough for the blood to scare your child, and friend’s child also is entitled to DLA so presumably has her own disability. So on top of her own injury and disability, the other little girl was almost certainly struggling to cope with your daughter’s meltdown with you all in a confined space. Have I got this wrong? You could have physically removed yourself and your daughter from the caravan until she had calmed down. As you didn’t think to do this I don’t blame the other mum for putting her daughter’s needs first and removing themselves from your (and DDs) company. All that said I hope you get home safely but you are not by any means blameless in creating your current situation.

Smartish · 05/09/2024 14:40

IAmTooOldFor · 05/09/2024 14:38

I get that you’re having a hard time of it and needed to put your daughter first but I don’t think you’re practicing what you preach when it comes to empathy. Your friend’s child was injured badly enough for the blood to scare your child, and friend’s child also is entitled to DLA so presumably has her own disability. So on top of her own injury and disability, the other little girl was almost certainly struggling to cope with your daughter’s meltdown with you all in a confined space. Have I got this wrong? You could have physically removed yourself and your daughter from the caravan until she had calmed down. As you didn’t think to do this I don’t blame the other mum for putting her daughter’s needs first and removing themselves from your (and DDs) company. All that said I hope you get home safely but you are not by any means blameless in creating your current situation.

OP has explained that they weren’t in the caravan when this happened, they were out in a public space.