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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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oakleaffy · 05/09/2024 12:43

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis Wow.
What a grade A wanker your ex friend is

Leaving you with a baby seat to carry home?

I once went on a museum trip with a friend to London
her son had a colossal screaming fit amongst the Dinosaurs 🦕- like bone shatteringly Loud screeching- and friend demanded we go home after this-

But to strop off like that?
Completely out of order.

You’ll be fine flying- it’s such a short flight ✈️

Enjoy the rest of your hols without the Queen of Strops.

Daltonbear1 · 05/09/2024 12:43

You haven't said if you have actually tried ringing her also do you know what hotel she is in because why not go to the reception and see if you can find her .

newleafontheplantjohn · 05/09/2024 12:47

You are showing great resilience, OP.

Treat it like an adventure and be proud of yourself.

Your friendship is dead. What a dreadful woman.

Hold your head up and move on x

oakleaffy · 05/09/2024 12:49

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 11:51

İ feel a bit better about the trip home knowing I can buy a suitcase from the next town over, it's just going to cost a lot all in all, and I'm going to probably be living on beans on toast for a while after this as that's my emergency money and a bit more, wiped after that. I'm a bit better now, just heartbroken and mentally exhausted from it and want to lie in bed today but dd wants to go to the swimming pool even though it's cold and wet. Haha.

I honestly haven't done anything wrong, to the pp who suggested I apologise. All I did was hug my DD and tend to her and focus on her and quietly and calmly and gently say that I couldn't make her stop screaming and that she was having a meltdown when my ex friend came over aggressively kicking off about it.

Lol at your Daughter wanting the pool despite cold and wet!💕
I was like that as a kid!
Loved pools and parents used to say it’s too 🥶!
But they still took me. ( on hols)
I loved it despite blue lips and chattering teeth -
Some kids just love 💦 water.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 05/09/2024 12:49

getting to the airport and flying would be far more complicated than just getting the Disneyland train to London from Marne la Vallée.

Bollindger · 05/09/2024 12:50

Please check Megabus, and flixbus, they are so cheap to use.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 05/09/2024 12:50

The disneyland train doesn't run anymore AFAIK. That's why I change at lille - it has good disability support and it's a quieter station than the one in Paris.

PfishFood · 05/09/2024 12:51

What an arse your "friend" is!

If you can't change the reg on the ferry, I'd be telling her you cancelled it for a refund, even if you didn't/can't.

Make her think she's going to have to pay for it again, even if she isn't.

What kind of person just abandons someone else in a foreign country with no means of travelling? I don't often break out the C word to describe someone, but I make an exception in this case!

oakleaffy · 05/09/2024 12:52

PfishFood · 05/09/2024 12:51

What an arse your "friend" is!

If you can't change the reg on the ferry, I'd be telling her you cancelled it for a refund, even if you didn't/can't.

Make her think she's going to have to pay for it again, even if she isn't.

What kind of person just abandons someone else in a foreign country with no means of travelling? I don't often break out the C word to describe someone, but I make an exception in this case!

Yeah me too.

She takes “Cunty” to another level.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 05/09/2024 12:54

Ah you are right SuperLoud, but yes getting the train from Disneyland and changing in Lille would be a lot easier than faffing about trying to cross Paris. OP could even do it with her stuff in the bags she has. You can request special assistance on Eurostar FWIW to help with bags etc and they are very very helpful. Honestly I would just hop in a taxi to Disneyland and do that.

oakleaffy · 05/09/2024 12:55

The friend has entered the chat!

🐈‍⬛😹

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:56

The whole deal though was that she would also be transporting the OP and her DD. The crossing was bought for all four of them, not just the friend.

maddening · 05/09/2024 12:58

I would message her and say the least she could do is take you on the ferry - she is so out of order!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/09/2024 12:58

I would concentrate on you, and you and your daughter.

Decide if you are going to continue the holiday in the accommodation you are in, or are you going to leave early and return home.

Decide if you and your daughter can cope with a visit to Disney, the journey there and back.
Be prepared to have to purchase tickets - is that affordable to you ?

Decide how you are going to travel home, and start to make the bookings you need to do so.

Forget about the car and the ferry, if she has paid for the ferry then it would be spiteful to cancel it. It is not really relevant if there was a discount.

Just concentrate on yourselves.

It is unfortunate that you did travel without a suitcase, I really would have thought a car with 2 adults and 2 children would have fitted a suitcase for each family, even if one had to use the foot wells in the back as well as the boot of the car. But hey ho that's done now and you need to find a way for you to repack for yourselves.

As for leaving the car seat for your daughter, of course she did - you have said it's not yours and it was borrowed by you. It would have been spiteful if your friend had taken that with her esp as it's not yours.

sandyhappypeople · 05/09/2024 13:03

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:33

I think it's important to be clear on the friend's position, now that she's had time to reflect on her actions. People often do things that they regret and she might appreciate an opportunity to make it right.

But could she trust her even if she agreed to be civil? I certainly wouldn't after what's happened.. and I personally wouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking I'm relying on her to get home.

I know there's always two sides to a story but the friend has chosen to leave OP in the lurch here, knowing that she will be full of anxiety about getting home with her daughter, at best she's done it to frighten her after being obviously furious with her, at worst she fully intends to leave her there and travel home without her, and I wouldn't rely on her either way now as both behaviours are awful.

OP can't cancel or change the ferry crossing, so chances are the friend will be fine to travel back as she already has the tickets issued, if she isn't and there's a problem now OP isn't with her, it really isn't on OP to sort that out for her, or forewarn her, or anything really, she's chosen this course of action, I would give her no choice now but to see it through to the end. If the friend want's to be 100% sure she can travel back she can re-book a place on the ferry anytime between now and then. Worst case scenario she can't get on a ferry, she can book accommodation and try again for the next day/next crossing.. she has chosen to split off so it is up to her to sort herself out now as OP is doing.

afrikat · 05/09/2024 13:05

12345mummy · 05/09/2024 12:28

Exactly this.

4th Option:
“I’m sorry if you’ve felt that you needed to leave. We are intending on coming to Disney. Please could I ask that following this we travel in the car with you onto the ferry as planned. We can sit separately on the ferry to give us both space. As you can appreciate travelling with daughter plus all our luggage and carrying a car seat will be almost impossible.”

Also be firm about the Disney tickets if they were your tickets. Don’t give her a story about a friend wanting to use them. “With regards to the Disney tickets, we are intending on still going to Disney and we will use the tickets, as they were given to me. So please don’t use them before we arrive.”

I hope you get sorted!

Agree with this post, especially the bit about travel.

I don't think it's inviting drama to send a short, neutral message confirming if she is driving you home

montelbano · 05/09/2024 13:10

afrikat · 05/09/2024 13:05

Agree with this post, especially the bit about travel.

I don't think it's inviting drama to send a short, neutral message confirming if she is driving you home

As if she refuses , take a screen shot and send it to everyone you know with a short explanation.

sandyhappypeople · 05/09/2024 13:11

afrikat · 05/09/2024 13:05

Agree with this post, especially the bit about travel.

I don't think it's inviting drama to send a short, neutral message confirming if she is driving you home

So the friend is obviously furious with OP.

So what if she says "yes, we'll come and pick you up on x date and time at your accommodation and all travel home together" .. but then doesn't show up? OP will really be in the shit then because she would have to pay through the nose for transport/accommodation on the day.. as it stands she's got 4/5 days to organise home travel for herself, which is plenty of time to sort something out with reasonable costs involved.

I personally think leaving the car seat speaks volumes and she has no intention of coming back for OP, why would she leave the car seat otherwise?

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 13:17

Thank you for the information about Lille, I'll look at that also. I like Lille and I can even go to Calais from there if the eurostar is too expensive, so I might try that and I know a reasonable hotel there to break up homeward travel.

I've decided not to do anything or chase or try and get involved in any conversation with her about Disney or ferry tickets. Me and DD had a little laugh about the car seat. I told her my ex friend just forgot it and she said she will carry it. I might get a really big suitcase and chuck it on top if I can find a route with minimal walking between trains. İt's a Disney car seat with a back so I doubt it's cheap and I don't want to give the person who borrowed it any trouble. They live a ten min drive from my ex friend so she could have just dropped it off on her way home but she's being spiteful. She knows the address as we picked it up on the way.

The annoying thing is I was originally planning to travel over on train to begin with as my friend said she had work the first couple of days and I would have got an interail ticket with Eurostar discounts so it's only 30 each way for a seat reservation and could have seen a bit more of the area with but she insisted she get the days booked off work and drive as over at that was her preferred method of travel so I've only got the car seat with me because it suited her to drive. İf I had taken my original plan everything would be all booked and sorted and id know what I was doing. Had a look and even the suitcases here are over 100 euro. I'm trying to just see this as a solo trip now and costing me as much as it costs me to get home. I don't want to let her ruin this for me which she is clearly trying to do. I can't think straight but Mumsnet you are a godsend right now for helping me to focus and feel back to my centre.

OP posts:
SoMentallyDrained · 05/09/2024 13:23

@notsurehowtoprocessthis If it helps OP, she will have got disney tickets included with her disney hotel, so there's a chance she hasn't used your ones?

YoucancallmeBettyDraper · 05/09/2024 13:24

Have you tried contacting Disney to tell them the situation about your daughter’s autism and the stolen tickets? If they are a decent company they will help and hopefully give you a queue jump pass as well? Ask to speak to a manager dealing with accessibility.

What your friend has done is unforgivable, btw. Shame on her.

Agapornis · 05/09/2024 13:27

Amazon.fr has suitcases (valise) from about €60.

https://www.amazon.fr/s?k=valise

Though I think you're getting far too hung up about having a suitcase. Can you get a big rucksack instead? Or even an Ikea bag. Stuff a pillowcase. There must be something in lost property. Use bungee cords and straps to attach the seat.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 13:30

Even if she did show up and say she will take us home, she was texting whilst driving on the way here about some drama she was involved with back home and now with her bad mood even worse I don't know if I'd feel safe with her in the car for all those hours. Plus she's already been horrible to DD last night and I feel she will kick off with my DD. My DD was talking about self harm she was so overwhelmed by it all.

The other thing is that I had to tell my dd that the mum just was tired and they went home. İf she shows up and DD realises they've been local all this time and went to Disney which I'm sure will slip out, my DD will be heartbroken and most likely meltdown in the car. I have to think now for my DD and her needs even if that costs me a small fortune to salvage.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 13:32

SoMentallyDrained · 05/09/2024 13:23

@notsurehowtoprocessthis If it helps OP, she will have got disney tickets included with her disney hotel, so there's a chance she hasn't used your ones?

I'm really hoping this is the case. İf we see them at Disney I'm just going to have to quickly shield them from view of my DD or she will be hurt.

OP posts:
afrikat · 05/09/2024 13:32

OP, definitely visit guest services if you go to Disney. We got a Disability Access Pass for my son 2 years ago even thought we had zero evidence of his ASD. We just explained the difficulties he would have with queuing. I know they have tightened things up in the last few years but it's worth a shot

https://disneyland.disney.go.com/guest-services/disability-access-service/

https://disneyland.disney.go.com/guest-services/disability-access-service