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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:09

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 12:07

When we came through Dover I think we just showed our passports and the booking on one of our phones and they printed out a return ticket and handed to us. İt's in her car.

But if you're the only one who can change and amend the booking, I think that makes you lead passenger. Haven't travelled by ferry for a while but it used to be difficult if one person booked the crossing but then couldn't travel.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/09/2024 12:09

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:07

I would message her without mentioning the present logistics and ask, could she please confirm what she wants to do?

  • Keep the original ferry booking and come and pick you guys up.
  • Keep the original ferry booking and travel without you, in which case could she please transfer you the full cost of the ferry booking, so you can book separate travel home for you and your DD.
  • Organise and paying for her own transport home separately, in which case you'll be cancelling the booking and trying to get your money back to pay for your own travel home.

This is a good idea.

48Hourss · 05/09/2024 12:11

She has the tickets for a particular crossing? Phone them and tell them you've lost the tickets can you get a replacement ticket.

halava · 05/09/2024 12:11

I doubt "friend" will reply to anything now. She has gone mute on messages from OP so far as I can make out.

Ardrahan · 05/09/2024 12:11

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:07

I would message her without mentioning the present logistics and ask, could she please confirm what she wants to do?

  • Keep the original ferry booking and come and pick you guys up.
  • Keep the original ferry booking and travel without you, in which case could she please transfer you the full cost of the ferry booking, so you can book separate travel home for you and your DD.
  • Organise and paying for her own transport home separately, in which case you'll be cancelling the booking and trying to get your money back to pay for your own travel home.

Yes, I think that’s a good next step.

Dreamskies · 05/09/2024 12:16

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 12:07

When we came through Dover I think we just showed our passports and the booking on one of our phones and they printed out a return ticket and handed to us. İt's in her car.

If you’re registered as a passenger can’t you just meet at the ferry port and find her so at least you can get on board? Then get yourself a train or taxi at the other end?

Mikunia · 05/09/2024 12:16

MiddleParking · 05/09/2024 09:47

She’d better not dare to use those Disney tickets.

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis you need to contact Disney and tell them that someone has your tickets and that they need to be blocked from using them. I'm sure they will be able to help so that only you will be able to use them but you need to do that or your friend is undoubtedly going to use them and screw you over.

You could even use it as a tool to get her to talk to you in that if she meets you at Disney then you will let her in and then you would be able to have a conversation with her about how you are going to get home. It's appalling that she has done this to you.

whynotwhatknot · 05/09/2024 12:17

i dont know what sort of tiket you giave her for disney bu you cant buy anthing on the gate anymore just bear that in mind before making your way

Mikunia · 05/09/2024 12:17

Dreamskies · 05/09/2024 12:16

If you’re registered as a passenger can’t you just meet at the ferry port and find her so at least you can get on board? Then get yourself a train or taxi at the other end?

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis I would contact the fairy people and explore your options about this. This looks like a good idea that you could turn up and still be allowed on and then you only need to get there somehow.

I would definitely be speaking to everyone official and making the situation clear and I am sure that people will do their best to help you and make sure you can get home.

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:18

halava · 05/09/2024 12:11

I doubt "friend" will reply to anything now. She has gone mute on messages from OP so far as I can make out.

In which case, my next step would be to message telling her that she needs to get in touch if she wants to use the ferry crossing, otherwise it will be unavailable for use.

Catandsquirrel · 05/09/2024 12:20

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:07

I would message her without mentioning the present logistics and ask, could she please confirm what she wants to do?

  • Keep the original ferry booking and come and pick you guys up.
  • Keep the original ferry booking and travel without you, in which case could she please transfer you the full cost of the ferry booking, so you can book separate travel home for you and your DD.
  • Organise and paying for her own transport home separately, in which case you'll be cancelling the booking and trying to get your money back to pay for your own travel home.

Yes this.

Ask for a response. Aside from logistics I think if nothing else, given that you'll have to cross paths locally, there's no ambiguity about her leaving you (if it can't be resolved). She can't say 'well I didn't hear from you' (bollocks but this way it's watertight).

If no response, try calling. You don't need to do so 5 times, just be able to truthfully say you tried to clear this up.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 05/09/2024 12:21

Op look at trains to lille to get the eurostar. Much more straightforward than crossing Paris or getting to the ferry or airport. in fact I am pretty sure therr ate trains from Disney to Lille and even London.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 05/09/2024 12:23

I've got the direct train from lille to disneyland a few times.
It's dead easy. You have to watch what kind of train you book - one is nice and one is like ryanair and doesn't allow suitcases. Inoui is the good one.

curtaintwitcher78 · 05/09/2024 12:24

I've nothing useful to say and it seems you've done really well in figuring out alternatives for you and your daughter anyway, so well done you.
I just want to say that what she has done is monstrous. You can fall out, but to leave someone stranded like this is unforgivable.

schloss · 05/09/2024 12:25

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 12:00

She's just booked into a 300 a euro a night disney hotel for four nights so it doesn't seem it would be a pain for her to have to pay to get onto the ferry. İt's my booking and my discount for paying for this accomodation and she would be using without me being able to use it, so it wouldn't be fair for her to use my booking whilst I'm not able to. You can only book one set of crossings per holiday with the discount.

It is not about the cost though, whilst appreciating the situation you find yourself in, unless you will 100% tell your friend she no longer has the ferry booking when she turns up to return to the UK, she will not know about it until she arrives at the ferry port. I think that is not right and is just making the situation worse.

Why do you not just contact her and see if the situation can be resolved. It is waht adults should do.

sandyhappypeople · 05/09/2024 12:27

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:18

In which case, my next step would be to message telling her that she needs to get in touch if she wants to use the ferry crossing, otherwise it will be unavailable for use.

What's the point of empty threats?

OP should should just forget her 'friend' and concentrate on getting herself and her daughter home next week, there is literally no point messaging or threatening or demanding anything from this friend, who obviously has no intention of responding now.

At best the friend could want space for a few days and fully intends to pick OP up to take her home, but if I was OP I would tell her to shove it up her arse and just get on with the holiday without her, there are so many transport options available to OP, she really doesn't need her friend to help her now.

Normallynumb · 05/09/2024 12:27

What a callous and vile person she is
You sound really resourceful and sounds like you and DD have had a lovely time so far, so if your plans needed to change, DD hopefully will cope with the change ok
Think about the easiest, most direct plan DD will cope with and frame it as an adventure for her.
TGV to Paris then Eurostar
Bus
Personally I would discount ferry on foot as you'd have to change the tickets( but cancel if it will inconvenience the nasty bitch)
SNCF have such good networks in rural areas, so it's great there's a station nearby.
If it a cheap car seat I would actually leave it behind and buy another on your return.
Keep trips very local for DD to keep stress down for you both
( going to a bakery for a cake etc)
Keep posting for support as posters are a mine of information!
Sending you and DD love

12345mummy · 05/09/2024 12:28

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:07

I would message her without mentioning the present logistics and ask, could she please confirm what she wants to do?

  • Keep the original ferry booking and come and pick you guys up.
  • Keep the original ferry booking and travel without you, in which case could she please transfer you the full cost of the ferry booking, so you can book separate travel home for you and your DD.
  • Organise and paying for her own transport home separately, in which case you'll be cancelling the booking and trying to get your money back to pay for your own travel home.

Exactly this.

4th Option:
“I’m sorry if you’ve felt that you needed to leave. We are intending on coming to Disney. Please could I ask that following this we travel in the car with you onto the ferry as planned. We can sit separately on the ferry to give us both space. As you can appreciate travelling with daughter plus all our luggage and carrying a car seat will be almost impossible.”

Also be firm about the Disney tickets if they were your tickets. Don’t give her a story about a friend wanting to use them. “With regards to the Disney tickets, we are intending on still going to Disney and we will use the tickets, as they were given to me. So please don’t use them before we arrive.”

I hope you get sorted!

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:31

I agree with telling her before she gets to the ferry that the crossing will not be available for her.

She's left you in a shitty situation, for sure, but at least you have accommodation booked for the next few days while you work out how to get home. If you just let her turn up, then she'll be in a worse position as no accommodation booked. Now perhaps she deserves that but at the risk of being preachy, OP, I'm sure you want to be the bigger person. No so big that I'd blame you for "spiking" the ferry crossing though 😅.

Though if it turns out that she can't actually travel without you because you're lead passenger and the booking is in your name, that would feel like karma!

Bollindger · 05/09/2024 12:31

Post on Facebook, that your stranded in France.
See if anyone will help you....
Be the one who posts first, so she can't twist it....

Apolloneuro · 05/09/2024 12:31

I could just about understand her threatening to go, when she was stressed and in shock at her child hurting herself, but to actually go!

Honestly, if your child doesn’t mention it again, I think I’d give Disney a miss. You could plan another trip when you can get the easy pass. I was there last year and some of queues were really long. It will also be really tiring.

All of this has been so stressful for you. I’d have a nice couple of days locally whilst you work out the easiest way home.

You might have to abandon the car seat and replace it for the person you borrowed it from. I suspect it would cost more to ship it home.

She will 💯 definitely use those tickets.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 05/09/2024 12:31

Don't cancel the ferry, the friend ia travelling with a recently injured 5 yr old with additional needs, that would be spectacularly shitty

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 12:33

sandyhappypeople · 05/09/2024 12:27

What's the point of empty threats?

OP should should just forget her 'friend' and concentrate on getting herself and her daughter home next week, there is literally no point messaging or threatening or demanding anything from this friend, who obviously has no intention of responding now.

At best the friend could want space for a few days and fully intends to pick OP up to take her home, but if I was OP I would tell her to shove it up her arse and just get on with the holiday without her, there are so many transport options available to OP, she really doesn't need her friend to help her now.

I think it's important to be clear on the friend's position, now that she's had time to reflect on her actions. People often do things that they regret and she might appreciate an opportunity to make it right.

BlueBlahBlah · 05/09/2024 12:41

Have you not heard from the friend at all since she left?

AuxArmesCitoyens · 05/09/2024 12:41

OP if you are close to Disneyland just get a taxi / RER there and a direct train to London from there. No need to fanny about going into Paris.