SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

I never said he was a victim or a hero, but the reality is that right now he holds all of the strings and so getting petty about “he can’t have a biscuit” could very quickly become him saying she can’t have her meal, she can’t have a shower etc. She can refuse, and still he holds all of those strings!

OP needs to get a job and have some of her own money, that is quite literally the only way round this.

OP also needs to know how much money there actually is. For all we know there is only £500 left after paying all of the bills.

Ashamedly, I do sometimes hide such nice things for myself, especially if I know if it might be a while before I can buy them again. I'm in no way a frivolous spender. I budget, I'm a smart shopper, and I hate wastefulness. My clothes are predominantly second hand but branded for example. Always wait for the sales to make certain purchases.

He arranged for us to go away for a few days over the summer (in the UK), and I pushed him to tell me the cost of accommodation, petrol etc. I worked out that the entire trip would exceed 1000£ and mentioned that there had other priorities (that I got the impression he was putting off buying, like kitchen stuff and stuff for the baby), and that perhaps we should address those necessities first. But we went ahead with the trip anyway.

Maybe he can't afford anymore and it's your choice to be a sahp.

Your situation was exactly like mine so I took a weekend job for 16 hours....it means I've over £1100 per month that's just for spending on anything I want or need
..gives me adult conversation, time away from kids and the way I see it, I'm still present during the week for school and everything else.
Now we do trips away Monday to Friday and during school holidays we get to do alot.

Totally agree @Naunet - @Belling112 you need to get some back up lined up in real life and get some change and control over your life back.

I would not accept my dcs' dad saying he won't pay any money for childcare, yet another bad sign.

Yes DSC lives with us.

What happened to mum?

So you're fully looking after three kids, one of whom isn't yours, and he's taking all the child benefit and exploiting you.

So he's saving on childcare for the dsc too through you. No wonder he didn't want you to work...

She isn't in the picture. They married young, married for a very short time. DSC has always been with my DH.

OP, the more you write, the worse this is. Please contact Women’s Aid. You clearly don’t believe us that you’re being abused, so please talk to them.

No no no no no to this!!!

Claiming child benefit ensures your NI credits remain intact for your pension - you absolutely need to change this so you receive it, like, yesterday!!

This is one of the things in these situations that annoys me the most - absolutely no reason for men, who remain in work, to be the ones to claim.

I bloody bet he thinks it was "easier" - "easier to hoard and control it is what he really means

And she just walked away? ….never wanted contact with her child? ……do you not find that odd?

No he doesn’t hold all the strings. OP can refuse to care for his child, or better still, she can leave the pig. Him stopping her from eating would be a crime and she could go to the police.

How is OP meant to work when he refuses to share childcare?

How old is the youngest?

I presume that you do, in fact, have a job already in that you're raising kids. If DH won't pay for childcare then you're stuck.

You need to get out.

Have to agree, it’s highly unusual.

This must all be hard to read @Belling112 do please please talk to someone in real life. Your mother, a sister, a friend.

You’re an academic? I assume this means you’re highly qualified and skilled and used to working autonomously in an atmosphere where people respect you.

Your passivity in your posts is really scary. Please talk to someone and get some real life support.

Your husband is abusing you. It’s not your fault.

It’s not your fault.

Doubt it if he is buying himself nice things.

I am imagining his ex wife was gaslighted to fuck about her ability to mother. Bullying happens in so many ways

OP needs support from Womens Aid at a minimum, because yes unfortunately he does hold the strings right now.

How do you think that looks in practice? He’s going to leave for work in the morning and she does… what? Just leave as well and leave the kids? She could, but I can’t imagine she would.

Fighting petty is pointless and also dangerous here while OP has no access to money or any financial independence.

Depending on the age of the children from this month all kids 9mnths+ can get 15 hours free. That would at least allow for some part time work to have some of her own money to start putting to one side.

It’s an awful situation, but approaching it in this way with tit for tat is not going to end well for OP.

Will it help you to think of it this way op.....

You are cheaper than an au pair. If you were an au pair living in his house, he would pay all the bills, AND he would pay you far more than £250 per month to include the kids stuff. As an au pair only really has to do light childcare duties and no cleaning he would also have to pay out for full time child care - say £200 a day for his 3 kids, and a cleaner/housekeeper/chef at say £50 a day.

You are saving him an absolute fortune.

I'm very sorry for you, because I don't think anyone can help you until you realise it yourself.

If I were you, and I understand you don't want to take the majority advice on this thread because it's easier to bury your head in the sand; but what you could do is little steps which won't affect your life as it is to get towards working it out.

Call women's aid. You don't have to do anything else there.

Ask him for the child benefit because of the pension contributions. Note carefully how he responds.

OP wrote:

but does on occasions splash out on numerous pieces if clothing, and a new phone

How do you think that looks in practice? He’s going to leave for work in the morning and she does… what? Just leave as well and leave the kids? She could, but I can’t imagine she would.

Exactly so how does she work?! Does he sound like man on the bones of his arse desperate for his wife to financially contribute, or does he sound like an abusive prick? I’m not suggesting tit for tat by the way, I’m simply pointing out that he doesn’t actually hold all the power here, and OP does have choices, no matter how unattractive they may be.

I do agree that Womens Aid would be a good start though OP.

So it is okay for him to stop her going out or refusing to help pay for childcare for his kids?

You H is abusing you. He is controling you.
The only way out of this is to leave him. You need to remove his control and his power over you. You will be a single mum with 2 children but at least you'll choose what you eat, where you go and how you spend your money I imagine you already do all the cleaning, cooking and childcare so that won't make any difference to you. I don't think you will be any worse off financially. You will be able to apply for UC, get the child benifit it your name and he can pay for childs maintenance. Check on turn to us and see what support you can get. You can look at what rent is and just do a mock calculation to give you an idea. Also look at the rules for free childcare. It's changes depending on your circumstances.

Does he use your MH against you? Is he suggesting he will get full custody or you are unfit to look after them. Remember, these suggestions reflect badly on him. If you are not well enough to look after the kids then he has a responsibility to safeguard them. You are their primary caregiver and he's even entrusting you with his other child (who he can sort out childcare for once you leave him, don't get sucked into that).

No man more in love than one that wants someone to parent their child and take on their responsibility. I imagine he will pick up someone else very quickly.

As I say Womens Aid first, 15hrs free childcare depending on age of children would be a start, I think OP mentioned her mum doing some childcare initially so that could be an option for a day short term.

Womens Aid can provide better support but what OP needs is some financial independence so that hopefully she is able to make steps, get ducks in a row, and get out.

As an aside OP at a very minimum you really need to get the child benefit in your name. If he is working then he already gets his NI, claiming the child benefit will give you yours, so it’s far more useful for you to have in your name than it is for him to have it in his name.

To clarify, he doesn't spend much in himself frequently. If I was working, I'd be spending a lot more in myself. It's more his financial autonomy I resent and envy. He can go to a grocery shop or visit a market and buy whatever he fancies. Whereas I feel constrained and restricted. There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£.