SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

Have you suggesting a joint account?

His ex-wife is a separate thread. She's been emotionally abusive towards my DSC, and she doesn't pay a penny in CMS despite a high flying career.

I will look into free childcare options again. The last time I checked I was not eligible for it due to my DC's ages. Thanks

How old are they?

As of Sept 2024 children 9 months and over are eligible for 15 free hours a week, next year that increases again to 30 hours so it’s definitely worth checking

Read your posts and he sounds financially abusive to me. He needs to go through CMS to get CM payments from his ex wife and you need to either get a joint account so you both have access to the money or you need to change the child benefit so you receive it.

£250 a month doesn’t go far for anyone, not in the least someone with 3 children to support. The fact your card declined in the supermarket and he blamed you for not managing the pittance he gives you each month is just awful. He should want you all to be supported well, he definitely shouldn’t want his children to struggle in any way.

So you sat in a cafe eating nothing cos you had no money….whilst he sat there and fed his face? Is this what you are saying? So what did he say when you asked for money to get a brew and a snack? Did he refuse?

'There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£.'

Can you clarify this op? Do you mean you were hungry too and he knew this?

This has been very overwhelming for me. I suppose I started the thread mostly to figure out how other SAHP were managing financially.

Yes I have been passive, and far too tolerant, and perhaps even complicit in my own financial destruction.

I grew up in an abusive environment. My mother was/is being abusived by my father is the most horrific ways, and I was struggling under the weight of expectation to resolve ongoing issues and financially support my family. I've spoken to numerous women's charities on behalf of my mum, dealt with legal aid. I never anticipated the same thing for myself. I clung onto this relationship/my DH as a means of escape.

Thank you all for your responses and advice.

'She's been emotionally abusive towards my DSC, and she doesn't pay a penny in CMS despite a high flying career.'

Do you just have his word for this op? For both comments. The second one you can't know for sure as he hides his bank accounts from you.

Why on earth is he not perusing maintenance if money is so tight? I guess he doesn’t care because the costs for his child come from your pocket.

I wonder then op, if he's not 'as bad' as your father, that it's harder to spot that it's still abusive. Take some time to process this all.

We'd stopped for lunch after a trip to a museum. I only had £5 cash left (and pennies in my bank account) and my DSC was hungry.

You must get the child benefit paid in your name, to you.
Because it also pays some National Insurance "stamps" towards your state pension if you are not working, for a certain amount of years.

I was thinking it was financial abuse anyway, now I know it is.

Awful, awful man.

OP, I too had an abusive childhood and let me share one piece of knowledge I’ve gained from it: never, ever expect someone else to save you, learn to save yourself. It’s the most empowering thing you can do.

'We'd stopped for lunch after a trip to a museum. I only had £5 cash left (and pennies in my bank account) and my DSC was hungry.'

And he didn't buy his child some food?

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit

My DH wasn't with us, it was just me and the kids.

Would he eat in a cafe and buy himself food and not buy anything for you and the kids? Would you be expected to pay for yourself and them while their dad munches away without a care in the world?

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

I've seen how she speaks to my DSC- she's emotionally manipulative. Regarding CMS, I only have my DH's word, but I am pretty certain of it given my dealings with her.

No, when we got out together to eat or have a coffee he always asks me what I want and pays for everything.

First priority is to get the CB for your children paid into your account. You need it for NI.

You need to get back into work . Your H is proving that he won’t share and won’t support you. Look long term. Even if childcare costs are a struggle now, you need to find a way for it to work, because career options don’t remain open forever.

To be blunt, it sounds like your husband wanted free childcare for his child and is punishing you for daring to have ideas above your station. You have to be prepared to become totally independent. If you were to separate, he’d have to figure out childcare for DSC.

For a marriage to work, there needs to be honesty .

It was OP in a cafe with the kids. She’s saying she got her DSS lunch with her last £5, not that the DH sits and eats lunch in front of her.

You need to go back to work. If he’s paying all outgoings then you can pay childcare from your salary. He needs to pay for his own child obviously. While you might not have loads left, it’s still worth it and you will have more than £250. Eventually costs will drop too. This seems quite financially abusive but he probably thinks he’s being generous. You definitely need the CB too because once that’s added in, he’s not actually giving you much at all, if anything, if he’s pocketing it.

What does he do for a job as this can help us gauge what sort of salary he is on? If he’s on 45k in London and paying high rent then maybe 250 is all he can afford. If he’s on 70k, it’s a different story and you still need to be given access to funds or a credit card that he pays off. He sounds like a knob for the most part.