SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

Oh for god sake, why are you tolerating this?! He’s treating you terribly.

For goodness sake. That means you aren't getting your NI contributions either! Have a long hard look at what it actually means when you leave your job to be a SAHM because you're in such a vulnerable position right now!

Who told you this? Was it him?

This!

I certainly don't understand my DH's income or expenditures since he doesn't disclose this with me

How did you make the decision to become entirely financially dependent on someone, without knowing this?

Get the child benefit in your name now. You’ve got the obvious reason - for your NI credits. He’ll no doubt reduce your pocket money accordingly, but at you’ll (a) have your NI credit and (b) be administratively a step towards leaving him.

I wonder this. In which case I am being unreasonable in expecting more than he is providing me. But my standard of life now is markedly poorer than before, and I'm going without so much I am used to. The thought of not being able to take a bus and sit in a cafe with the kids is depressing.

what did you agree before you became a sahm? And get CB into your name!

The thing is op, so might his be, as there is one less wage and two more mouths, he is supporting five people on his one wage. Now it maybe he can well afford it, or it might be he can’t. So until you know it is impossible for anyone to advice.

He doesn't believe my top up shops are necessary. I buy nice things that he sometimes doesn't get in the main shop, or isn't available when we do the main shop vut might be available in Lidl for example. He thinks such shops are surplus to our needs (although consumes everything I purchase).

For a start, just stop feeding him from your £250. You buy someone nice (is this the Italian biscuits you mention?) then you buy them when out with the kids, and he never goes near them, doesn’t know about them.

Your passivity is startling. This is not the cost of motherhood. This is an abusive arsehole taking advantage quite knowingly of your poor decisions.

Oh I absolutely bloody knew it.
@Viviennemary please be more careful about what you write. Your other comments have been deleted with good reason. Women who are being abused will cling on to stupid posts like yours for comfort in familiarity. Like the op has just done two minutes ago.

Well there’s every chance your standard of life is just factually going to be worse than when there were two incomes coming in. Plenty of jobs wouldn’t be able to support a nice lifestyle for a family of 5 on a single wage. Thats not to say that’s the case for your DH, we obviously have no idea but it’s alarming that you don’t either.

And this is the key thing you need to know! Is there any spare money, or isn't there?

Unless couples are extremely wealthy, then their standard of life does drop when they have children. Either they take a drop in wages and/or they have increased spending on childcare particularly.

It's unrealistic to expect to do afford to do all the things you did pre-children.

It’s telling that you pick out the one ignorant, arsehole comment and decide it’s probably right.

Not sure refusing to share a pack of biscuits bought with money he sent her is the best way to approach this, considering this is the man who pays every single household bill, keeps a roof over their heads, buys the main food shops, keeps the heating and electric on. That kind of petty tit for tat becomes very bad for OP if he decides to go the same way, “no pasta for you, no hot shower for you” for example.

Thank you @arethereanyleftatall I was just looking for @Viviennemary ’s post to quote it!

@Viviennemary how likely is it that’s really the case, when he’s buying new clothes and a phone and telling her off like a 13yo who spent their bus money on sweets?

There are households where there is no bloody money. In those households, both adults are fully aware of this, budget together - and if one has the embarrassment of a declined card, they get sympathy.

I have noticed you before with that kind of nonsense.

You need to claim CB as this will 'pay' your NI stamp whilst you are not wokrign

Oh let me find my violin for the poor man who refuses to share childcare costs so that OP can work and financially contribute. What a poor little victim/hero he is. She can refuse to care for his child/her step child, then what? She doesn’t have to cower to him.

I actually did a bit of work immediately after DC were born (8 weeks after in fact). I got my mum to look after the kids, but after paying for my own transport, and my mum's transport, I was pocketing very little.

We broached the topic again recently. I had an offer of work (I work in academia) and I found a lady I was comfortable to be left with my kids, we met, I let her know about DC's routine etc, but try as I may, my DH just refused to fund the costs.

@Mrsttcno1 I take your point, but that’s not what I was suggesting. Obviously not clear though!
I don’t mean that she should start saying, “I bought these biscuits from my £250, you can’t have one.”
He shouldn’t even know about the biscuits!
I mean, she should stop using her £250 on the extras that he says aren’t needed, and then consumes anyway.

It’s not the most important thing here. The most important thing is probably OP talking to Women’s Aid.

It’s related to OP waking up from her passivity and finding her anger - she should be outraged that he’s eating things she has paid and he’s criticised. She should be outraged by a lot. Sometimes it starts small - like deciding the fuck is this prick having the biscuits too.

The report changes to child benefit appears to be this link:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/child-benefit-change-of-family-circumstances

I obviously don’t mean to generalise about this for everyone but IME friend who have been most postnatally depressed have tended to be the ones with the most unhelpful and unsupportive partners. I don’t know why people above are suggesting you not buying any biscuits for your husband is the same as a man with access to money preventing you having hot water and food. It’s crazy if you can’t afford to take a bus.

Do you know why your husband is claiming for Child Benefit for your step child? Do they live with you full time and is the mother involved?

Would you have afforded to give him 250/month out of your wages?

Then you tell him he’s being controlling and you WILL leave him if he’s going to be so unreasonable. You are not his prisoner, you are entitled to work if you want to.