SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

The fact that he won't disclose his financial arrangements is a massive red flag.

He could be earning thousands and putting it all away so you don't know about it or he could be drowning in credit card debt

It's abusive.

Get a job, get legal advice, consider leaving him.

Well, he's done well finding someone who voluntarily walked into slavery.

Honestly I would be so annoyed that I would rather divorce and go on benefits (temporarily) than allow myself to be degraded like this any longer.

When Child Benefit was bought in in the current manner, wasn't it Barbara Castle who insisted it be paid to the mother? Precisely so that women in just @Belling112 's position wouldn't be left in this dependency on an abusive man.

Just seen that it's paid to your husband. This is wrong on all levels. As others have said please get this changed today as it will affect your pension later.

This in spades.

OP get your autonomy back.

Get back to work.

The most important thing for women is financial independence.

He then sorts his DC and you split the childcare costs.

He is taking the piss.

@Viviennemary She cant do paid work because DH won't contribute to the cost of childcare.

It seems that's the financial control your husband exerts is just the tip
of the iceberg. I would be reevaluating the whole 'relationship' if I were you OP.

D

You need to be getting the child benefit so that you are keeping up your NI contributions!
Pointless it going to him

My DH is SAHD and all our money is shared and visible

You are currently being financially abused. He doesn't respect you enough to have a sensible discussion

You need to consider going back to work part-time

£250 is nothing nowadays especially if you are paying some bills out of it and if you don’t get child benefit for any of the children’s expenses

@Viviennemary
Did you completely miss the ops posts where she details that he buys himself plenty of things like phones and clothes which she has no money for? Or the bit that the child benefit goes in to his account? Or the bit that the op has no idea how much he earns?

She wants to work. He is refusing to pay for / towards childcare. He is forcing her into a position that she has to stay at home. The childcare costs for two children and cost associated with work like travel, uniform/ clothing would probably leave her with nothing left over.

He is claiming the child benefit so she doesn't even get her national insurance stamp.

He isn't transparent about their financial position. She doesn't know know much he earns and he set the allowance amount.

He is absolutely financially abusing her.

She does want a magic money tree. She wants a partner.

Take him at his word that you need to budget. You need a household/family budget. Suggest you do it together one evening.

List everything coming in, including child benefit.
What needs to come out (bills, car/petrol, kids stuff, food, etc)
Decide what pot things should come out (kids clubs, snacks, clothes from the child benefit for example)
What’s missing? Particularly if you’re not getting the child benefit, you need regular monthly savings into a private pension. Savings account for a rainy day? Savings pot for household repairs etc?

See where that leaves you. If he won’t cooperate then I’m afraid he’s being financially abusive and you’ll need to leave him and go back to work to gain any autonomy over your finances.

You're being financially abused. Your partner either doesn't trust you with the joint finances or he doesn't want you to see how much he earns (and therefore spends), both of these are totally unacceptable in a partnership with children. You are caring for his kids, as he won't pay for childcare, therefore his job is to support you all. £250 simply is not enough when children deserve to leave the house and learn about the world around them (these things cost money!) Has he ever tried to spend a day in the house with the kids without going out? It's hell especially if you don't have much space and they are particularly little.

He views you as inferior-if my partner ever suggested I need to budget more because my card declined trying to support our kids I'd hit the roof. Life is expensive sometimes. It doesn't sound like you are being frivolous or selfish. He's infantilising you. Unfortunately it would have been a good idea to discuss all this before the children were born so you knew you were on the same page and that he wasn't going to put conditions on his support but it's too late now-still a conversation needs to be had around why he has a mistrust of you.

The child benefit is £224 pm, he's giving you £25 out of his wage!!
Surely you know what he earns, this is no way to live.
I'd pack up and leave.

How come he receives the child benefit for his child? Does the child live with you? Wheres mum in all this? Be interested to hear about their relationship/reasons why they split up (his truth and THE truth)

this all might come as shocking to you op. It does sound like hes cut you off from friends, family and hes got you struggling along on £250 a month with no independence. Please call Womens Aid just to chat it all through and they will give you professional advice to move forwards

Why's you not buy a house before giving up your job to have kids? It's more difficult to do after.

He is financially abusing you. The money he earns is not HIS money, it is the familys money when one person is a stay-at-home-parent. The money is there to support you all, equally. As it is now you are his live-in maid and nanny with benefits. And your salary is £250.

I would bet more money that there is plenty of money. Just he doesn't want to give it to her.

So, you agreed to give up a job you loved and become a SAHM, entirely reliant on your DH - but you have no idea how much he earns or what his outgoings are? Did you not have any discussions beforehand?

You’re being financially abused. I’m very sorry. There’s an element of passivity to your comments that is worrying. You don’t need to just accept all of this. It’s not ‘easier’ for him to collect CB, he doesn’t get to arbitrarily decide £250 is ‘enough’ and you don’t have to be SAHM if it isn’t working.

Does your SC live with you?

You absolutely must get Child Benefit put into your name and paid into your bank account.
You are the main carer for your children and you should be receiving the CB - not him.
As a recipient of Child Benefit your National Insurance contribution towards your state pension will be protected.
If you don’t do this your pension will be affected.

Also, you don’t know his income. Is it possible he is a high earner and earning over the threshold for CB and says he is claiming CB as a way of hiding his income from you?

You need to change your mindset. There is no such thing as his money and your money. You are married and raising a family together. And I say this as someone who has never had a joint bank account with my DH. But if I need my DH to transfer money into my account, I tell him, I don’t ask. The money in his bank account is as much mine as the money in my account is his.

It is your business how much he earns and how much your household lifestyle costs. Please change your mindset and don’t settle for anything less than full transparency over your finances. This is too important to ignore.

You could hazard a guess what his salary is surely? I mean if he works in the care sector then he isn’t going to be earning a fortune and money probably is tight. But if he is a hospital consultant you know his £250 is a piss take..