SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

Please at the very least switch child benefit into your name: you can point out it makes no difference to your husband's NI stamps but will make a difference to yours. You'd be better off doing that even if it made no difference at all to the cash you get (i.e. because your husband reduced what he gave you accordingly).

Separately, as you've seen here, having this little control over funds puts you in a situation that appears to be financially abusive. As others have said, you should probably contact women's aid so they can help you see next steps for this.

Spending £6 on a bus fare for a day out in the summer holidays isn't an unreasonable use of money unless your whole family is absolutely brassic - rather than just you.

I think this thread must be really hard to read for @Belling112 . People telling you what you should do must feel very overwhelming. And posts saying "Just put your foot down."

Maybe some PPs haven't encountered the sort of narcissistic abuser that the OP is married to. It's really hard to insist your partner does something when he says a flat No. What is the OP going to do?

I wonder if all the concerned MNers on this thread could really help by suggesting small, manageable steps towards freedom for the OP?

She keeps on telling us why she can't do the big things - get back to work, or leave her husband, or insist he shares financial planning with her.

And I can see how it's not that simple. How do you counter someone who's just taken ALL the power away from her?

So what are the small steps? Which are manageable & doable, remembering that @Belling112 is in a fog of being abused & can't see past the box her husband is pushing her into.

But could we stop berating her or telling her what she "must" or "should" do? I know I shouldn't be the thread police, but this thread is sticking in my mind. I feel so so sorry for the OP, and I've had a little experience of a relationship with a man who just says "No." (maybe I'm being triggered, lol?!)

It won't help the OP id we just tell her what she should do. We need to help her from where she is at the moment.

I think posting here is one of the small steps - so @Belling112 you've started the journey.

Another step might be consulting a family lawyer, or doing some research online about your rights & money on separation from your husband. Could you arrange a meeting with a specialist divorce lawyer - one who specialises in coercive control?

Another small step might be some individual therapy - preferably with a female therapist (a feminist ideally!!!)

Can other MNers suggest small, sustainable steps, which are not overwhelming to the OP , but might start to free her up?

Slow and steady, OP ... and good luck

I’m sorry I’m late to this thread and I’ve not read all of it, @Belling112, but I couldn’t bring myself to just skim read and run. I work in finance. One of our training recourses we provide for staff with regards to financial abuse and how to spot it is literally your story. From being a SAHM to the “budget”, to you being unaware about what’s going on with your family finances, to his arguments when the money runs out - and also stopping gift giving and, more importantly, not using trains to see friends. He’s succeeded in isolating you and leaving you with no way out. It’s textbook abuse.

womensaid.org.uk are a good place to start finding your way out of this - here are some of the points they say indicate financial abuse:

• Controlling all of the household income and keeping financial information a secret
• Taking out debts in your name, sometimes without you knowing
• Stopping you from being in work, education or training
• Making you do a certain amount of hours at work, not contributing to any bills
• Having control over spending, checking receipts, having everything in their name

Finally, there is a website called survivingeconomicabuse.org that you can use to plot steps out of your situation, which imho - and I know it’s your choice and hard when kids are involved - you should do. All the best! ❤️‍🩹

£250 is a lot of money and I think you can manage if you budget properly. On that aquarium trip, why didn’t you check costs and your bank balance before going? He paid for the tickets (aquariums are expensive!) and you could have packed sandwiches?

There are so many free/cheap activities for the kids. Libraries, museums, parks, play groups etc. Go to them and always take packed food with you. Buy cheap colouring items and make an activity out of it at the park.

if you struggle being at home, you have to be at work! But you chose to have 3 kids! It’s your choices all the way. Your DH doesn’t sound like a millionaire to just fund your chosen lifestyle. He has to pay for everything and also have some rainy day funds for the family. You want your DSC to go to a private school - would you next insist on the “same treatment” for your own kids too?

£250 is seriously a lot of money. You need to plan things properly and stop doing stuff you cannot afford. You are doing things anyway, getting yourself into situations and making your DH appear bad for not bailing you out.

im amazed you said you had £5 left. How did you not know this before?

FFS read the thread! This is financial abuse.

I’m so sorry to read this. But I’m glad you’re now feeling angry. I hope this has been an eye opener for you. You deserve so much more than £2 per day. You’re a smart, educated woman with a lot to offer. I urge you to take this opportunity to reflect on your worth and take decisive action. You have some great advice here. I wish you all the best.

Your post shows a stunning lack of empathy and indeed reading comprehension. How anyone can be so misogynistic is a mystery to me. The OP is being abused. She is being prevented from re-entering the workforce by her partner refusing to share childcare costs for their children. She didn’t choose to have them. They did.

People like you are the reason that so many women are stuck in hopeless situations. Imagine telling someone to budget and contribute and pull their socks up when every aspect of their lives is being controlled and they are kept isolated, and deliberately in the dark about the family finances. Generally those people’s confidence has been ground down already. Posts like yours aren’t going to help them find the energy to do anything to try and find a way out.

I was a SAHM through choice, three children under four. We had equal access to money. I was very aware that there was only one income coming into our home. My priority was to make sure the bills/mortgage were paid, kids were well fed and clothed and we had a warm home. Both myself and DH rarely treated ourselves, we were happy to cook at home or take picnics to the park. Always packed a lunch on days out.

You don't need to go to cafes or for lunch everything you go out, your children are young so it's not like they are asking.

For us it worked because we both saw the value of me being at home with the kids so we worked together as a family to achieve this and to be honest I never felt we were going without. Being able to spend time with my children was priceless and I don't regret it.

What value does this post give to the OP? Seriously? Utterly useless.

I hear you and appreciate what Ur saying and why. However I just think that he is a dominant bully...and the only thing bullies respond to is someone bigger and scarier than them.
Bet he has no respect for his OP ..sees her as a weak woman..who he can throw his weight around with. So unless she does outright square up to him with ultimatum or family behind her to demand change or suffer a consequence I doubt any amount of small tinkering around the edges will make any difference. Just my thoughts 🤔

Exactly this.

Why do people feel entitled to get lunches and coffees when out and about? If you can’t afford it, you can’t! with single income, finances will be tight for most people. Op seems to want more money, the guy is already working full time. He can’t just magic up money because OP is feeling financially abused.

OP’s partner isn’t refusing to share childcare costs, he is probably refusing to pay it 100%. OP said in her first post that after paying her own transportation costs and her mums, she had nothing left from her income. How will OP pay 50% childcare costs for 3 children? Is it a possibility that OP’s husband cannot afford too? Or just because he is a man, he should magic up money?

OP clearly cannot get a high paid job. Her husband is the highest earner and is feeding and housing the family. £250 is a healthy budget, OP needs to stop doing things they can’t afford to do. There are plenty of free things to do with the kids.

saving for a deposit, retirement savings, uni fees savings for the kids?

When you combine the PND and the financial abuse of your mother by your father it suggests this is way more complicated than the question of ‘Is this enough’. Please reflect on this thread and find some time and courage to speak to an organisation like Women’s Aid. Let them support you through this, maybe just to have informed conversations with DH, maybe some mediation, whatever they feel would help you - you shouldn’t be in this position of financial dependence and perhaps your parents relationship is making it hard for you to know what ‘normal’ and healthy expectations are in a relationship about finances.

@Newname5565 I don't understand why "clearly OP cannot get a high paid job"? The fact her husband is also working shouldn't make a difference. It so often appears that a woman is seen as the "default carer" and absolutely no reason at all why that should be the case. One child is his, the other two are theirs.

Also she cannot afford the bus fare to get to her previous highly paid job as she has NOTHING left after the kids (one not even hers) are seen to. I've suggested getting a weekend/evening job to save up for this.

She would probably need clothes as well (even charity shops are expensive these days).

Her husband is refusing to give her childcare money, she may actually need something for the first month her kids are in nursery.

Can you find a job in the evening, weekend or when he is home? You should at the very least be receiving child benefit and the £250 if finances are tight.

Jesus OP you need to look critically at your own posts.

(D)H gives you £250 a month

but could afford £XXXX for private school

has potentially £30k in savings

and you have no access to any of the family finances besides the £250

You need to open your eyes. Save every penny of that £250. Don’t buy top up food shops see a lawyer and get yourself out of this abusive relationship

If you split and claim UC they will pay upfront for the childcare fees for a new job. Just thought you might like to know.

DFOD.

Ok, I missed the 30k savings part. Op’s partner absolutely needs to pay his share of childcare expenses. I’m not saying OP must be the default carer.
Also, I think he must use his savings to pay 100% for childcare for the first 3-6 months until OP settles in her new job and save a bit.

OP, Sit down with him and TELL him you are going to start working. Lay down fair rules (regarding expenses, house work and life admin). tell him DSS is his responsibility. Help as a favour.

Once you get back to work, you will budget and spend better.

Ffs some people on here.

Do you really think this man is going to look after the kids while OP gets 'an evening job?'

If OP feels she can't even ask her own husband to see the full bank account, she's hardly going to have the strength to go out and find a job.

I agree with the PP that tinkering around the edges with this type of man won't work. She needs people on her side - family members or friends, bolstered by advice and support from Womens Aid or a similar organisation for financially abused women.

It's very hard when you have children because you feel like you don't want to disrupt their norm. And I guess it's the start of the new school term on top of everything else. Often the easiest route is Stockholm Syndrome - put your head in the sand and carry on.

At the very minimum, she needs to have financial transparency. If he won't even share this with her - then what is the point? How is that a family?

So OP, if you can't ask him yourself, do you have a friend or relative who could be there when you do? For moral support?

What is your fear with this? Do you feel he might get aggressive if pushed?

Its very hard, but you have to start pushing back. Imagine yourself 20 years down the line - when the kids have left. You deserve so much more OP. Just a normal life. A bit of respect. You have just as much right to financial freedom as him. Are there any family you can confide in? That wouid be a start.

Good to know!

Yeah called the flexible fund.

Why ?, my husband and I both have seperate bank accounts and seperate savings accounts. I would NEVER have a joimt bank account with my husband, or any other partner if we were to divorce. We split the bills and whats left in our accounts at the end of the day, we can spend on what we want with no questions asked. I dont tell him how much savings I have, or how much my pension is worth, and he dosent tell me, becuase its none of our buisness. I know that if anything was to happen then financally I would be ok.

Ive said this so many times before, why do women insist on having joint bank accounts ?, why do they not go out and earn their own money ?, instead of relying on another persons. Op, my advice is to go back to work, evan if only for 8 hours a week. Could your wages cover this ?

You've asked the wrong question IMO.
Women aren't insisting on joint bank accounts with random people. They are building a joint life and joint future with their husbands.
The question is "why do people insist in getting married if they want to continue to live separate lives as if they were single?"
It just seems like muddled thinking to me. Be single or be married, what's the point of confusing the issue? 🤷🏻‍♀️