SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

Google salaries for the type of job he does, then you may have an idea.

Stop buying food etc. Ask him for money for that. Stop buying school stuff for your DSC. Ask him for money for that.

I suspect if you take away your household spend, you'd be able to budget better, but honestly £250 is a ridiculously small amount. Talk to him about how much he has as pocket money, challenge when he buys a new phone etc.

I don’t know if this has already been said but if you don’t claim your child benefit then you will not be getting national insurance credits for the time you are being a SAHM. This may well negatively affect your state pension in the future. You need to get your husband to sign this over to you ASAP!

I don’t think he objects to paying childcare, you are the childcare and all for £250 a month.

But then again, should I have left the house in the first place? I paid 6£ for the bus, museum was free admission, took snacks for the kids, and wasn't planning on having lunch out. This is why I'm asking other SAHP how they manage.

Should you have gone out? For goodness sake you are giving the kids some lovely experiences, trying to feed them and cant even make it a special treat with lunch out. Why on earth are you wondering if you "should have left the house?"

Your husband has clearly completely confused your thinking if you are questioning your own behaviour in this way doing normal things with the kids.

I feel so angry on your behalf! 💐

Other SAHP manage because they are in a proper partnership, ot being controlled financially by a controlling man who appears not to think that ALL aspects of your children's upbringing is his as well as your responsibility.

All this "benevolence" on expensive treat holidays whilst refusing to give you enough to live normally and look after the kids with NORMAL expenses is just a way of controlling you and confusing you. Please please get advice from.a counsellor/Womens Aid asap 💐

Suggestions for her to get a pt job, to save this man money and shell out what little she earns on childcare, OP needs to sit him down and be brutally honest that this needs to change or there will not be a marriage.
For him to possibly have £20k squirrelled away whilst his wife scrimps and doesn't eat is despicable

Divorce him, take half and let him sort his own childcare half the time. He’ll soon realise what you do for the family. OP it’s a form of control and abuse. I speak from experience as a SAHM, we don’t have pots of cash we have a family bank account.

You should both have full access to finances . For all you know he could have double that for himself. Plus I'm assuming you have no pension/savings.

This is financial abuse.

As someone who has a lot of experience within the world of Domestic abuse, this sounds very much like coercive control and financial abuse. Have you spoken to anyone else about this?

Many thanks for your responses.

I am honestly stumped and really overwhelmed. I knew I was being passive- not denying that I wouls have preferred better for myself, but more due to a lack of options available to me.

I'm not sure how to respond to the suggestions of coercive control, and even calling this financial abuse.

My father financially abused my mum. He forced her to hand over her salary to him, he took her jewellery and sold it without her knowledge. Refused to add her name to the property deed when he purchased the house while they were together even though she was paying bills with him, refused even to have their" marriage" recognised legally in a civil ceremony.

Well I would say that if he was previously paying say £800/month private school fees he is on a decent salary. So £250 seems a bit tight.

I would say go back to work. I'm pretty sure a childminder would be more affordable than nursery.

I was the same when mine were tiny - I used to go to zoo with the annual pass and spend about £2.50 on a mini milk & a go on the carousel! I think the only way is to work more.

I think he is giving you the child benefit as spends - ours has gone up to £170/month for 2 children. So with a third that would I think be £238.

Just go back & suck up the cost as it won't be long until you get free hours.

@Belling112

Are you named on the deeds of the house?

You need to get the child benefit in your name! This means you are not getting national insurance credits towards your state pension. Regardless of whether you think you will work enough yrs etc you honestly don't know what's around the corner! Your partner does not need them whilst working and he gets child benefit anyway for his child...!

Before I even read the thread, just from the title I knew this would be a case of financial abuse. It's frightening how common this is and many women don't seem to realise that it's coercive control.

You are being financially abused OP. I know it's hard to accept when he's driven you so low that you can't even trust your own mind. But this is REAL - it's happening. To you. To your children.

I imagine nobody ever envisages themselves in this situation. - until they're so far gone that it seems normal and they have lost all sense of normality.

How dare he!

You need to stop questioning yourself and get angry.

Think of it this way -

You BOTH had children.

Who the f**k made him God of all things financial?

Who the f**k does he think he is?

How DARE he?

All the money he earns is YOURS ffs! You are married!

How dare he give you any form of 'allowance'.

Don't 'ask' him for anything! TELL HIM ffs. It's YOURS as much as his! He has no right to keep you in the dark about money. No right at all.

You are even looking after HIS child from a previous woman. Ffs!

This is beyond ridiculous. It's actually scary how he has conditioned you.

Ni woman in her right mind would accept this for 5 mins OP.

That money is YOURS.

You are his WIFE. The mother of his children. You are supposed to be his equal partner - making decisions together in the interests of your children.

He treats you like a paid help. Worse - he treats you as a child.

How fucking dare he!

As I said, please get help. Talk to Womens Aid or the GP - a family member - anyone. This is ABUSE. Financial and psychological. How dare he treat you and your children like this.

Do you have child benefits to top it up a bit? Between maternity pay end and going back to work I could access the joint account, is this a possibility? X

Do you have any friends or family you can tell OP. You need to start talking to people irk. Stop suffering in silenced Tell people what he is doing to you. They will be appalled. Support and help is out there. You can't go on like this.

£250 per month is about £8.30 per day.

For you and three children.

So about £2 each per day.

A 5 year-old child gets more than that for lunch money. Or a bus fare.

Is he insane?

Fair enough if your family were genuinely on the breadline and he was open and honest with you.

This is not the case though.

He had (until recently) a son in an independent school.

Yet he gives his wife £2 per day. For the privilege of giving up her job as an academic to look after HIS two children, plus HIS son from a previous relationship.

And you are on here asking if this is reasonable???

There is a line...and that's it right there.
What a horrible creature.

Just because your father was even more abusive, doesn't mean your husband isn't abusive.

Belling I hate to say this again but ignore the money for a moment.

Did you mum have a say on holidays, where you went & when because you seem to think your situation isn't as bad as your mum's but maybe it is in different ways!

He hasn't sold your jewellery but by claiming the child benefit he's stealing your right to a State Pension!

Just a thought, but your mum's situation sounds like she had a nikah not a legal marriage, is yours the same?

Financial abuse: what is it and what are the signs? - Stowe Family Law

Financial abuse in marriage
This occurs when someone controls, restricts, or exploits their spouse or partner’s financial resources or undermines their financial independence.
It may involve withholding money, coercive financial decisions, or preventing access to financial information, creating an imbalance of power and jeopardising the victim’s financial freedom.
Narcissist financial abuse
Narcissistic individuals can manipulate and exploit another person for financial gain. Connected to their desire for dominance, money is a tool for inflating the narcissist’s ego and destroying their victim’s financial wellbeing.
Is financial abuse a crime?
Domestic abuse is a crime in England and Wales and can take many forms, including physical, sexual, psychological/emotional, and financial.
As well as being a form of domestic abuse, financial abuse can include additional criminal activity including theft, fraud and extortion.
How is financial abuse different to economic abuse?
Financial abuse is often linked to a larger category of abuse known as economic abuse.
Economic abuse goes beyond financial control and can include preventing you from attending work, college, or university, preventing you from receiving benefits by limiting appointments or job applications, and restricting your access to essential resources such as food, clothing, or transportation.
You can find more information about economic abuse here.

I'm really sorry @Belling112 but you are absolutely being financially abused here. The child benefit thing has appalled me. Child Benefit is for the main carer, which is YOU, as it keeps your stamp/NI contributions going whilst you're not working/working part-time etc. He's ruining your State Pension entitlement.

I know this is incredibly difficult for you, but he absolutely is abusing you. I'm now wondering if his abuse was so bad towards his first wife, that he made her leave and that she had no choice but to abandon/leave her child behind. It honestly wouldn't surprise me. It wouldn't be the first time an abusive man has forced his wife away and kept the children.

So many alarm bells here. Please, you cannot live like this. Please seek help and get out of this marriage, but even before that, first thing on Monday, get that Child Benefit put into your account.

Financial abuse: spotting the signs and leaving safely (moneyhelper.org.uk)

When does that not ever sound so fucking UNREASONABLE I want to hit him over the head with an iron pan?! He works, and gets childcare for free. So has lots of money. You want to work, but he doesn’t think childcare should be his problem. Why not?? It’s your problem when he works. He is abusive op, and you can’t reason with abusive. They don’t care about fair or whether it works for you or how you feel. They care about what suits them and makes them feel in control and they will use whatever words they can find to get to what they call a successful outcome; they don’t care if what they say is true or not.

1. go claim the child benefit, he’s robbing you of your pension. I wouldn’t bother telling him, and certainly don’t ask him.
2. csn you find an evening job, that you can walk out of the house and go too? He gets to walk out to work without worrying about the children, tell him you are going to have a tiny bit of what he has.
3. plan your departure.