SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

And it isn't even just the money!!

From your original post you don't seem to have any say on if when where you go on holiday, where you live.
You must realise that this isn't a healthy relationship!

How old are your twins op?

Even if you can't afford travel to get back to your old job, when they get free nursery, which I thought was quite young, then can't you work part time in a local NMW type job and save up secretly?

@YellowAsteroid His DC are not her responsibility ultimately. She needs to tell him that. And why doesn't she qualify for support with childcare costs like everyone else does?

@Belling112 If you're returning to work, why would the cooking, cleaning and childcare be all your sole responsibility? You must put your foot down and tell your husband this is unacceptable and no longer happening.

@SillyOlivePanda That's all well and good, but perhaps OP's husband doesn't earn anywhere near enough to give his wife over a thousand pound month as an "extra?"
For example, my husband earns earns around £1,600 pm working ft. No chance would he be able afford giving me over £1k per month (and not that I would ever expect him to.or be comfortable with accepting it).* *If I want luxuries such as beauty treatments I pay for them out of my own wages!

My DSC was privately educated but DH has pulled him out of private school this year due to the government's VAT changes - this would suggest some disposable income?

Well I think we can end the debate that maybe OP doesn’t get much because husband doesn’t earn much.

Not all. Quite often when OP has no idea about family finances, it's because the family is in a lot of debt.

OP has alluded to her DH getting child benefit which puts a maximum on how much he earns. If this is true, and depending on where they live, then paying for private school for a child on a comparatively modest income would potentially have been a huge stretch.

The husband has SAID he gets child benefit. Just said. The op has never seen his bank accounts so has no idea if this is true or not.

OP has alluded to her DH getting child benefit which puts a maximum on how much he earns.

Actually have to disagree with that. A controlling arsehole earning above threshold can claim it anyway to stop the mother having access to the money now or if she leaves (and gateway to proof of who is RP if she leaves) and pay it back through their tax return. Or just lie that he’s claiming it for the same reasons.

Ok so lets say private (day) school (not boarding) is £7k a term x3 terms in a school year is £21k

?the max you can earn in a year to be able to claim child benefit is £60k

So the question is, how much does he earn and if hes now £21k a year better off, why the hell is he just giving op £250 a month???

What makes you think you’re not contributing financially?
Have him look up childcare costs in your area, the per day cost per child, and add it up for the days you’d work then multiply by the 52 weeks you’d have to pay for.

How much does a weekly cleaner cost?

What about a housekeeper, who does all the things you take care of while he gets to work outside the home?

Now add it up, and add the rate of tax he pays on top of it, because all of those expenses come out of your net earnings. That is how much you financially contribute, and never mind the fact that you provide the children a lovely upbringing. Then ask him why he thinks £250 a month is reasonable and why he thinks you don’t get an opinion on where you live.

OP if you’re not prepared to leave you have to put your foot down. Tell him that you are going back to work and you will divorce him and walk away if he doesn’t support that or pay the first month of childcare and travel. That might shock him into listening to you.

@BigGhatt So the question is, how much does he earn and if hes now £21k a year better off, why the hell is he just giving op £250 a month???

That’s a great question! Plenty of people find they cannot afford school fees any more, and the VAT is a hike - although pre-emptive removal, as it hasn’t happened yet… but… where is the money he was spending on them?

My DSC school fees were around 8-9k a year. I encouraged DH to enroll him at this school, and advised him not to pull him out if he's able to continue paying. Knowing my DSC, he will struggle with the alternative school options available.

Thats very low compared to whats quoted online (~£5-7k per term)?

that aside, wheres that extra family money?

You need to make this claim because it is what keeps your national insurance contributions going. Without it you won’t be entitled to the state pension when that time comes. I’m not even sure if it affects your access to the NHS. Please do get this done urgently!

Well your DSC may struggle but if you can't afford to work, then you have to prioritise childcare that enables you to work so that you can get out of this trap you've set yourself.

OP, I have just read your posts since yesterday and I have to be honest with you, it's frightening to see how passive you are.

Please go to a doctor, call Womens Aid or something. Because this is beyond ridiculous.

NO SAHMs do not think the way you do, NO your family is not normal - AT ALL. And YES - your husband is guilty of financial abuse - of the highest order..

You are being ABUSED by him OP. No ifs, no buts, no excuses.

If you don't have the psychological or emotional strength to see this for yourself, you need help.

He has broken you and your children are being raised by a broken mother.

I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but you really do need help. I can't believe you even need to ask these questions.

You say you used to work for a university? Remember who you once were. How has it come to this - you, an intelligent adult woman needing to ask strangers on the internet if it's unreasonable to ask for a bus fare!

This is shocking.

Please please wake up from this OP. Do it for your children. Call Womens Aid now. Go to your GP. Tell them everything. Please. Do it for your children. They deserve better.

For me as a stay at home parent, we both have full financial transparency. We probably didn't have this to such a degree when younger, but we also took a long time to get married and have kids. I developed an interested in finance shows and the belief of being financially "all in" in marriage. Obviously this doesn't work in situations of abuse or messy breakups. We still have separate accounts but are transparent. I have some savings from when I was working and my H sends me some money with every check.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation op, and that you had to lose your savings to your parental situation. You sound like an awesome, very capable person and I hope things improve for you.

Yet another MN case of financial abuse.

My father did this to my mum and I'll never forget the looks on her face when her card would decline (whilst he had money for his hobbies etc).

Leave DH, go back to work and he will be forced to pay half of childcare.

He doesn't sound like he cares about you at all.

Op huge hugs. I’d never ever ever recommend anyone to become a sahp. It starts as ‘it’s family money’ and then there’s a slide until you’re like a little kid begging for scraps. I’ve been a sahm then returned to work then left due to all the arguments over covering sick days (both of us with managers). Dh hugely bitter when I left second time and I honestly don’t think he loves me any more. Scrambling to find a job. You’re not recognising yourself rings so true to me. Hope things get easier x

He's not king of the cancel just because he earns the money. £250 is a pittance as well to cover direct debits and all the other things you mention. No way is this fair or healthy! You need access to the money and you BOTH need to make financial decisions together. You're a couple not a live in Nanny!

Also to add I am another SAHP and me and my husband share money entirely, we have joint accounts. It's ours and I have full access. We make all financial decisions together and we both know very clearly what our income and expenditure is.

I don’t think the question of is £250 enough or even ‘reasonable given his earnings’.

You are married, so financial decisions should be made together, regardless of who earns and who stays at home. Income is joint, expenses are joint…and any spending money left over needs a joint decision about how to use it or share it.

This is a fundamental part of agreeing to be a SAHP - it doesn’t mean all financial things are ‘his’ and all caring things are ‘yours’.

i agree with some other comments here - this is bordering on financial control, unless perhaps his motivations are somehow wholesome (I can’t think of any).

The conversation you need to have is about how the two of you manage your joint income - not whether £250 a month is enough. If that’s hard there are family mediators out there who support these types of discussions (completely away from any suggestion of divorce).

Have you considered getting a weekend job OP? Maybe a local cafe or shop within walking distance?

You could put some money aside each week until you have enough to spend on bus fare to and from your regular job - at least until you get paid. Don't tell your husband how much you earn - get it paid into your sole bank account.

Have you started the Child benefit claim in your name yet?