SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

Yes but if I were OP I’d call his bluff and say yes I will pay for the childcare from my salary and he can continue paying rent and bills and food. She needs to go back to work anyway to get away from this twat - I doubt he will change his ways.

👹 ⚠️ 📢 🚨 ⚠️

Don't fall for it @MrsTerryPratchett

Some how, some way, you must get the child benefit.
I absolutely get the problem of dc dad refusing to pay for childcare. My exh told me point blank he wasn't paying towards it, if I wanted to work ft I was paying for childcare. No bending, no compromise, no negotiating.

Could you explore the chance of getting a weekend job, an evening job, an online job?
I got a two evenings a week shelf stacking job. He sulked that he couldn't go to the pub but liked me bringing in a little extra money.
Would your dh like the idea of you being a little more independant financially? Could you sell it to him as a good thing for everyone?

Also @Belling112 I don't think it's good in this context context to buy dsc food in a cafe and not your other two or yourself, I'd make sure this didn't happen again.

You're engaged a bad dynamic where you are martyring yourself - I do understand how, I feel when we have children we are very at risk of unconsciously repeating patterns and need to make an effort to break free.

And it sounds as though your 'd' h has no real idea of what a healthy relationship looks like, no good template.

I think we need to be realistic , that if OP gets the CB, her DH will stop the £250

You desperately need the support of Women's aid.
You are being controlled and financially abused, coercively controlled by being denied the ability to work, and used for free childcare whilst he pockets child benefit.

These are crimes.
Spell them out to Women's aid and ask for advice and support.

You poor woman, you deserve so much better.

Very possibly. But she'll be no worse off than now, but plus get her pension credits, and a sliver of control.

No of course it isn’t. Try reading posts.

OP - if you could go back to work tomorrow would you? Because as an adult you absolutely should be able to. It is not up to your husband to dictate to you that you should be a SAHM.
Tbh I would never choose to become a SAHM within a marriage, even if my husband was a millionaire. I think it creates far too much of a potentially horrendous power imbalance.

Re your husband's salary - he must be on less than £60k if he's receiving CB and not paying back any. And that's the very most he can be earning. £50k before April of this year.
Best case scenario even that is not a huge salary to be supporting a family of 5 on.

That’s still no reason to treat @Belling112 in the way he’s behaving @Youthiswastedontheyoung If money is tight, that’s all the more reason to approach budgeting, earning, and family costs as an equal partnership.

No matter what his salary is, he’s being abusive.

@YellowAsteroid But what if he genuinely can't afford to give her more than £250 a month once all bills etc paid?
If money is indeed tight wouldn't OP be better going to work too so they can both financially support their children?

The problem is she has no visibility on what he can afford, and no agency to have a say in how the household costs are managed.

@SleepPrettyDarling I agree. But surely she must have known his salary before agreeing to become a SAHM? Otherwise how could she know it was a financially viable option or weigh up if she felt it was going to be manageable?

Indeed. But her husband is gaslighting her and exercising a rather scary level of coercive control through money.

This thread is reminding me of a relationship I had where my ex was devoted to saying No.

Until you’ve been stonewalled like that by someone that you have the misfortune to love, you don’t know the utterly implacable power of No in a relationship. It’s horrible.

And there’s very little you can do to counter it, other than withdraw. (Or maybe it was just me not knowing how to counter a stonewalling No?) I left, but there were no children involved and I had more money than him actually.

I rarely say this but you need to leave this controlling prick. I am a sahm. My husband gave me full access to all of his account, plus credit cards. He has never once questioned my spending and would be mortified if he ever thought that I was worrying about whether or not I could buy myself a treat, never mind buying the children a snack when we are out!

This is financial abuse and I would urge you to speak to someone about it. Hopefully another poster can recommend someone to talk to - I am overseas so can’t help. You are welcome to PM me if you just need a hand hold though.

I am so very cross and upset on your behalf!

Bloody hell. You'd be better off leaving him - literally. You'd be able to claim universal credit, he'd have to pay child maintenance, you'd be able to access funded nursery hours.

OP, things must be really really bad if you honestly think that £62.50 a week is an acceptable amount of money for you to live on, and out of that you are funding all of the kids' activities including for your step-son?

Try not to condone financial abuse.

Maybe he should let her work then?

You clearly haven't read my posts. Or your comprehension is zero ...

Have you not read the OP's posts, @IVFmumoftwo - where she says that if she works, her husband refuses to pay anything towards the childcare for HIS DC? And that she was offered some part-time work, and had her mother do some (paid, I think) childcare but all the costs of working - commute, childcare - ended up costing more than the amount she earned?

You seem to be blaming the OP for her husband's financial abuse of her.

I despair when I read posts like yours OP, this isn't a partnership at all I imagine other SAHP manage because they aren't with someone who is financially abusing them.

OP for comparison, I’m a SAHM my wonderful DH gives me £550 a fortnight. From this I pay for food for the house, less expensive kids clubs (eg beavers, ad hoc school payments), my clothes and beauty stuff, treats in the holidays and the DC clothes. DH pays for everything else including more expensive kids clubs, takeaways, more expensive days out (theme park/zoo), all bills! He will give me extra if needed for things like uniform, birthday presents, Christmas etc.

I don't think it should be a question of allowances
Equally Shared money and access to finances should be the norm

I hope you're OK @Belling112

This is such a sad sad thread.

Can you take steps - small steps - to get back into the job you love? What would it take to start that process?

Don't think about childcare costs - they can be sorted by a full-time salary. Think about getting back into a job you love, and worry about the finances later. A full-time job in academia/administration/teaching will cover childcare expenses.

See it as an investment in yourself.

Maybe have a chat with a good friend? Maybe not the whole thing, but if you asked a friend who knows you the question you asked us above about going to the museum - you said But then again, should I have left the house in the first place? I paid 6£ for the bus, museum was free admission, took snacks for the kids, and wasn't planning on having lunch out. This is why I'm asking other SAHP how they manage.

What do you think they'd say? You need to start to tell someone about what's going on - you sound so deflated and passive. It's so sad reading your posts.

As I said upthread, I was once in a relationship (only for a year & that was too long when I look back) where my ex would just stonewall me on some things if he didn't want to do them - ordinary things. He would just say No. Saying No in a relationship can sometimes be awful - when it's used in an abusive way that exerts power of one partner over the other. I left, but I was financially independent & there were no children. It's hard when the person who you care for most in the world (after your DC) and who should care for you, fundamentally, says No, and blames you for his abuse. Big unMumsNetty hugs